The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

To Old Readers

Dear old readers and old friends, 

It has been the longest of hiatuses. Nobody even called it a hiatus, because I thought I was quitting blogging for good (only I had dropped the narcissistic-dramatic personality that made me write all those emotional goodbye posts, so no one was notified, nor did anyone particularly care). Last year, I gave this old blog a good kick, tried to recreate the halcyon days or something, and that obviously did not work. A lot of the blame can be laid at the door of good old mental illness and subsequent executive dysfunction, but mostly, I've been busy.

So. Am I back? Am I really going to start blogging on the regular again, to a non-existent crowd of readers (I'm being modest - I'll probably force my friends to read so there's that)? How many times can I say this before it loses all meaning? Has it already lost all meaning on account of my having said it four times in the past already? Stay tuned.

In the mean time, let's play catch up!

It's September of 2015. I am 19 and still very much alone. The good news is that I have underwent what 16-year-old me would have called a personality makeover, the whole top-down, left-right, inside-out shebang. I don't fandom anymore. I've actually been attempting to untangle the complicated web of emotions that is my relationship to fandom and the fictional. Efforts made earlier on this year are documented on my Wordpress. I set this up as a sort of personal project, the goal of which was to sever my emotional dependence on virtual realities, and to keep my obsessions and escapism-as-a-coping-mechanism in check, i.e. emotional and psychological health. For the most part, I've made some strides, but due to my insane schedule and unpredictable mental health, it's not been an easy road. Even though I'm no longer attached to Glee fandom (and thank God for that! You can hire me to perform an exorcism if you're still into that shit), I've found solace in small pockets of community across the Internet. Right now? I'm into sports, specifically NHL hockey and NCAA basketball.

I switched paragraphs so you can take a moment to collect yourself. I know. I never imagined myself to be here too. Even 18 year old me would have been hard to convince. But here we are, watching and listening to games almost every morning before work, and reading coverage and news before bed. Speaking of, I now work. I'm on a gap year - it's a long story but basically, it's been doing me a lot of good. People say I changed a lot when I went to INTEC, but a lot the evolution really exploded when I started working at Kumon and freelancing as a private tutor. I teach kids. I've been working with kids aged 4 to teens practically the whole year. I like kids now. I'm not interested in writing up a whole psychological profile of myself, , though, but attempts have been made on my personal Tumblr (I haven't stopped blogging entirely). Again, a lot to take in, so I'll start another paragraph even though I only intended for this to be two, max.

As a blanket disclaimer (more like an apology, really), I only have this to say for myself: I haven't written anything all year. Just those two blog posts on the Wordpress (plus unpublished notes, reports, summaries, and responses I write for personal edification). At least last year, I had a writing internship plus kept a somewhat steady hand on this blog until August. So, I'm not just a little rusty, I'm basically falling apart with disuse. But writing is a muscle, and I don't want to start college having wrung myself out too early. I'm still young! (Actually, I am old now and I have no enthusiasm or capacity to enjoy anything, but that's neither here nor there.) I have a future ahead of me! And for all the regrets I have had about past decisions, I am happy to have a written record of all my mistakes and faults.

Effie Johari

This is a fun game: read what I wrote in this section (previously titled 'Before & After') early last year when I decided to revive this blog for what was probably the third time then. Compare, contrast, sit in shocked silence and perhaps also awe, etc.

Let's play catch up!

My birthday is still January 9th, same as Severus Snape (I used to find this such an amusing tidbit, I would share it with just about anyone who would listen). I am still, for all intents and purposes, loosely connected to the Glee fandom. I still have my cat Fluffy, who's eleven years old now. I keep in contact with a few familiar faces from Tumblr and I'm still basically friends with the same core group of people in real life, ignoring the huge tectonic shifts in our dynamic as of this year. For the most part, I'm still pretty much arrogant and ruthless - a bloodthirsty Slytherin who always gets sorted into Ravenclaw in online sorting quizzes because those are rigged.

The biggest change would have to be that I ship Kurtbastian now. No, really, I do consider that the biggest change. I change my obsessions from one week to another. I don't stan as hard for Chris anymore but he'll always hold a special place in my heart. I am now proud owners of my sister's cats, Smokey and Caesar. I'm no longer active on Tumblr and have a Twitter now (please, take a seat to calm your ass). I don't know how to write properly now apparently because the Internet started to develop this new language and I sort of fell into the trend. I went through an anime phase last year. I'm a feminist. For every person I've ever came out to, I give them a different label for my sexuality. I am for all intents and purposes out to everyone excluding my family excluding my sister. But you can call me the queer that has been baited.

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