The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Greatest Comeback Since Jesus

So... here I am. I'm here. I'm queer. And I wrote this list of things for me to remember when life grabs me by the hair and drags me into a pit of depression:

1. Don't feel embarrassed about the size of my body. Even though I'm going to live the rest of my young adult life getting a constant volley of 'you're so small!' and 'you look so young for your age!' comments, it really is none of anybody's business and people passing judgment on my appearances shouldn't make me feel inadequate. It's ridiculous to turn around and tell others to love themselves and their bodies but not actually work on my relationship with my own. Which probably has to include exercise and reduced intake of Coke at some point. Besides, buying children's clothes sometimes is nothing to scoff at because I'll be enjoying stuff at around 20-50% less than what you're paying for your jeans. 

2. Apologize for being rude when it is warranted. And what the hell, we're all trying to live in a civil society here so even though it so often is the case that I'm not in the wrong, if I could tone down my anger a little bit, it'd do a world of wonders for the relationships I have with people around me. What's a little tone policing if it means I can have a- yeah this sounds ridiculous, ten times so written down. Talk first, apologize later. Some people deserve to be on the receiving end of condescension. I guess what I have to work on is making sure my friends do not get hurt by whatever it is I may say to them in the heat of the moment. Some friendships aren't worth salvaging though, and I can only ask God for the clarity to tell the difference. 

3. Stop crying like a little baby about my fandom identity crisis and stop beating myself up for wasting so much time on Glee. My love for the two most prominent fandoms in my life was not a product of force or daily prayers to God asking for some guidance. It was simple serendipity. And the fact that those relationships ended up fizzled and dried up is not something I could have controlled either. The fear that I'll never find something like Harry Potter or Glee to occupy my time and basically become the backbone of my entire existence is alive and strong, as well as the ridiculous fear that without a fandom, I would be somehow inferior to everyone else (that I would be ordinary). Whatever happens will happen naturally and because it's supposed to, not because I forced it to happen. And I won't exactly be making anything happen if I'm too afraid to move forward for fear of making the same mistakes again. My one month re-immersion in Glee as well as Cory's death impacted me deeply, but there is no way to turn back the clock or raise the dead. The one-month relapse was better than memory has served me, because I wrote some pretty great things during that time, and I earned the respect and friendship of some pretty terrific people, even if we never had a chance to talk again after I called it quits. I don't need to be afraid of my past or my future, but concentrating on my present sounds like a good place to start. And right now, I've got a huge project on my hands and plenty of time to finish it in. 

4. Stop lying to myself about being okay if I never find anyone to 'get me' as well as I get and love myself. And don't let My Own Self get in the way of my making connections and having relationships with people, just because I have some irrational fear of damaging my relationship with myself or that no one could ever love me more than I love me. I should be working on my relationships with people. It's so easy to write about my feelings or whisper it to myself or to God in the comforts of my own room, but it's harder to talk about it to my friends and I would be uttering a major lie if I said that this whole communications issue isn't the entire problem with my friendships. On the one hand, it's hard and I should cut myself some slack most days, because it's a hard knock life finding someone in this country open minded enough to understand even half of the things I'm talking about. On the other hand, I can't survive completely on people from the internet. They're real and they're some of my closest friends, but it will never be enough, because I live here, in this country, and making do with the best that I have is something I'm trying to get used to. But I shouldn't chalk everything up to a lost cause because, well, look at my sister. I don't want what she has at all: the apartment, the job, the relationship, the life. But giving up on ever having that, The Dream Life, at 17 seems like jumping the gun a little, don't you think? Being lonely isn't something anyone should have to get used to, and it's going to continue, day in, day out, never rejected, never heartbroken, never really anything because of my inability to find anyone even worth half of what I think I'm worth, but I should stick to what I know. I believe in happiness, not love, and happiness is something so easily attainable, so constantly present, and it would only be my own goddamn fault if I didn't stop long enough to bask in it. 

5. People are going to have the wrong perception of me and knowing when is the right instance to work towards changing that perception, and when a lost cause is staring you in the face is an uphill battle. "'Tis better to be vile than vile esteem'd" is a commentary on perception, and the thing is, I don't have to prove them wrong or go around backwards to prove them right. I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself. And it's going to hurt when people can't see the full picture of me because the image they've got in their head is blurred or distorted, and it hurts that the human instinct in this situation is to try to appease them, try to get them on my side because we're always searching for allies. But there are going to be people who will see me, and there will always be people who will be stubborn and unmoving, reluctant to give me a reevaluation. The people in the former category will help me, carry me through high and lows, while the latter will only hold me back and make me feel like crap. Having faith in myself, and faith in God, as well as the optimistic belief that good does exist out there in the world, is enough to sustain me through anything.

The sixth one is "people who give me shit for liking girls needs a good fuck up the asshole". And ain't no better ending to a comeback post than that.

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