The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

And You Can Tell Me How Vile I Already Know that I Am

Foreward: I don't think I can write as much as I did for the previous post, mainly because I had exercised so much of my energy and my mental strength just to finish that particular post. It's not right; to put that much effort in something that's only supposed to be a journal of one week. But what can I say? I felt like a damn social butterfly that weekend, the same can't be said for the weeks following that (because, true to tradition, I am writing this something like three weeks later). So at least something happened this week. Be grateful. Also here, have this song because I'm feeling low and masochistic.

Week 8

So, as previously mentioned, Afreena hadn't even had a couple of extra minutes to breathe post getting off the plane before performing the rather elaborate scheme of pulling the wool over everyone's eyes and scaring the shit out of me. When I saw her, I was seriously so confused. Like, time? Alternate universes? Was that her maid? My Dad asked, "Who's that?" and seriously, Afreena. That conniving little bitch. But I did end up feeling great about it. Eating with her, going to a seriously useless education fair with her, walking around with her. Imagine if she weren't there, I would have to spend an entire day with Raihan. Just the two of us. Nisa said that she couldn't imagine that ever being, since I am awkward in one-on-one situations with anyone save her, and I find that mildly insulting. Mildly, because I'm used to the shit that comes out of her mouth by now. Let's not be surprised that Nisa's this huge bitch to me, because get real. I would just like to add, like, just putting it out there, that I can handle Nadiah just fine. Also, that I happen to have been your friend, Nadiah's friend, Hanna's friend first. I think that counts for something because if it weren't for me, you lot wouldn't even have the luxury of talking about me behind my back. Thanks.

Wow, that ended up more aggressive than I had any intention for it to be. I went to Nisa's house on Monday and was very hungry. I somehow managed to coerce her to cook for me. I love Nisa's mange of a cat, Orange, who loves me, too, maybe because I show her even a morsel of affection. Nisa thinks she's pregnant. My parents would never let me have anymore cats in a million years but if I pretend that I found some outside, stranded and stray... yes, that might work. I think this was one of the shorter visits because Nisa wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy. I don't understand that show. All anyone ever does on it is cry. And then they have to spin it off. It felt just good to be there, knowing that I knew something that she didn't and that she just didn't know. She had no clue that Afreena was in the same time zone as us once again, and that she was just a call away, and that right at that very moment, she was in the same district as us. It was a great distraction from feeling anything, because instead of the usual sadness slash empty hole I call my feelings, I was feeling superior.
you know what you know nisa? you DON'T. you know what you don't? KNOW. 
I gotta tell you, it's nice to feel superior, knowing something that she doesn't. Because I haven't felt superior in a while. I had asked Afreena whether she wanted to accompany me to school the next day because I wanted to give Lady Face her t-shirt and she agreed. It was pure, unharnessed bounce-on-your-toes excitement. It was my turn to execute a meticulous plan. I sent explicit instructions to Intan and Nadiah to stayback a while, lest they wish to regret it for the rest of their lives. We went on Tuesday. Afreena's sister tagged along.

Of course, having very astute and observant friends (eye roll), they figured it out. Mostly because Afreena's sister had spilled the beans to someone or another. It was really stupid, but seeing Hanna really put a damper on the whole thing. I wanted the surprise to be perfect, because it was perfect for me when Afreena just suddenly showed up out of the blue (in front of her house). I just felt really bad after that. The surprise didn't go as planned was one thing. But the fact that the prefects were having practice for Install was another thing completely. I saw (and hugged) Divyia, gave Xueh Wei her present (Nisa told her that it was a t-shirt, motherfucker), and then stalked Pri at a respectable (not really) distance until she finally did a double take. It's nice to know that now that I don't have to see her everyday and vice versa, she deems it acceptable to hug me again. Good to know.

Xueh Wei's present. I figured it would sufficiently cover any trouble or fuss she and her parents had to go through to accommodate me for World Stage.
There was some event or another at school that day and they had extra food. Some guy gave Nisa like a plastic bag filled with food (two plastic bags?) and a cardboard box of boxed drinks. We could have fed a family. We should have fed a starving family, but we decided to take it back to my house and evenly divide it among ourselves. So Afreena, Nisa and Afreena's sister followed me home, where we ate (well, I was fasting - everyone else ate), discussed the stuff going on in my life (because Afreena's sister had trouble believing I was no longer attending school; she thought it was a practical joke), and then played several rounds of Monopoly Deal (in which Nisa was a sucker bitch so I opted out of the last round).

I'm sorry, Afreena. Contrary to what I may have thought, the Asus Transformer really isn't a great camera for panoramic pictures.
There is something more serious to be discussed, though. Namely, The Land of Stories. Okay, look, it wasn't my proudest moment. I was desperate. I needed to get my hands on the book right that instant, right then and now, but my pre-order from Amazon was due to arrive weeks after the initial release. It was basically a whole day of cursing my Malaysian heritage, or rather, the fact that this Goddamned country just doesn't get anything. I became the epitome of a self-hating Malaysian that day. Everywhere, all I could see were Chris interviews, people crying because they had bought his book or their copy had arrived. I remember when Starkid did their SPACE Tour and I felt so insanely jealous of all of these people who get to go (like, Americans, you don't even know how good you've got it - try being me and living my life as a teenage fangirl for a few hours, you wouldn't last!) (I wasn't as infatuated with them for Apocalyptour so that went better). Even worse was Wrockstock a few years back. God, I miss Wizard Rock. Anyways, I went out with my mother the following day because I needed to pick up something from Maze and I guess my mother wanted to buy stuff (or I wanted to, I can never remember these things).

When I met up with Maze, I expected to pick up the revised script for our upcoming third-semester show. I got that but he also (don't get too ahead of yourself because there's a something at the end of the sentence I think everyone should pay very close attention to) presented me with a paperback copy of The Land of Stories! Like, seriously, if this were Tumblr or Twitter, I would stylize the shit out of that sentence and type the thing entirely in caps, but as it stands, I hate doing that sort of injustice to a proper blog post. But Maze! I was so overwhelmed, I started crying, and he was telling me all of these things but I wasn't listening, I just sort of wanted to hug the crap out of him but my mother was right there. But then he said that Syaz asked him to give it to me, because Syaz bought it. He bought it from MPH, because he actually took the initiative to ask a local bookstore instead of relying a hundred percent on Amazon like this ditz!

Syaz's paperback on the left; Amazon's hardback on the right (it took me a while to figure out where the map was for this one.)
Like, I cannot compute. Even to this day, right now, it's still unbelievable, because Syaz. Syaz, my wonderful, loving, caring, perfect in every single way boyfriend who loves me and I cannot. I cannot thank Maze enough, because of course carrier pigeons are important, and I was so happy with the revisions we've done for the script, but I couldn't even process how ridiculous it was, that my really super awesome ex-boyfriend gave me a book that I would've given my brain for at that point, bought by my current (better than everyone else's) boyfriend. I feel like crying just thinking about it.

Anyways, I don't know why but I have no intention of sharing my review of it. It took a while to get used to the simplistic writing style. Syaz told me that there was no way in hell I was going to read that book while I still had half of A Game of Thrones to finish. He gave a fucking lecture on discipline because my boyfriend is actually a tool in a toolbox in disguise. So I finished Game of Thrones in a couple of days. That was a good motivation. I really have so much more to say on the matter. I literally spent the first day spent and depressed as all hell because I couldn't get my hands on the books and then I just felt like crying because I was seemingly so far from being able to read it (I keep my promises - I didn't even look at it much before finishing Game of Thrones. Although I did sleep with it) and also, the book signings just left me feeling listless and all levels of self-hate. Ultimately, the book made me cry, and I enjoy anyone or anything taking me on an adventure, an escapade, and any sort of fairytale (and verily, the majority of fiction) provides just that. Reading's good, man. Reading is the bomb.

I have so much to say but I think in an upcoming post, I'm going to be talking more about Chris and his book, because nothing (literally, not a zip) happens in the next two weeks, so I'll be filling it in with odds and ends (watch me as I desperately scrabble around trying to find things to talk about). Speaking of desperate times calls for desperate measures, another thing I'm not particularly proud of. It was stupid of me in hindsight, although I still detest children. I suppose starting from the beginning would be beneficial. My sister in law's taking care of these two boys who are her students (she works at a kindergarten) and they are annoying as all hell. My nephew on his own is loud, noisy and incoherent, but with the addition of these two boys (who stare at me like I have two heads or something) it's like the fucking apocalypse. I can't take an afternoon nap because they're outside making such a freaking racket. I got super fed up on either Wednesday or some other day and took a Caesar from downstairs and chased my nephew with him (he's afraid of cats). He's also, apparently, allergic to cats. So then my brother and sister in law totally hated on me for all of a week because I couldn't keep my cat to myself. I swear, one day, these little children are going to drive me up the wall insane and I will be accepted into an asylum. I really will.

I still feel terrible and horrible and a mess of all the unfair emotions I've had since I stopped going to school. I guess when it's at this point right now, where my friends are static and the things that are going on with them are also static, I start to wonder what the hell I gain out of this. But then again, it's hard to admit to myself, again and again because I forget often, that that school wasn't really doing me any favors. I didn't belong there, just like I don't belong basically in anything else I've been apart of, family and Drama class included. I guess sometimes I just wish I could go back and pretend again. Well, whatever. It's all behind us now. I guess my friends just plain old don't get it because they've always felt like there was something wrong with themselves, as opposed to something wrong with society. I am pretty much as okay as a teenager can get about herself, and I'm working on being more human, but other than that, I'm not really all that willing to give up anything to satisfy or fulfill other people's idea of who I should be.

It was a bummer to be around Hanna on Friday, when Intan, Afreena, Nisa and I converged at her house for a last day of not fasting kind of party. It was Install that day, and while I don't really give a crap about that, the fact that she got presents from the seniors and was seriously showing it off and sighing and mooning and being happy about it struck a nerve in me. Obviously, I don't expect tact. I don't dole it out either. And obviously, I don't expect her to not talk about something that she's excited about just because I am uncomfortable with the matter, because I am not going to pay other people that courtesy so why even pretend like I find it offensive. But it just sucks. It hurts and it sucks. I am really a writer today, aren't I? All Walt Whitman and Sylvia Plath and shit. I don't really want to go more into it, I barely want to talk about it because I think I've spent so much time and happiness just thinking about it before going to sleep at night. If I had written this earlier, maybe I would have been angrier, but there's no denying that neither me nor Hanna are doing anything wrong here. We're not respecting each other at all as people who used to be really close friends but then again since when did I offer anyone respect just because they are or were my friend.

We ordered Nando's and then walked to a nearby gas station to get bottles of drinks. Nisa has problems crossing the road. I'm glad I found something somewhat social-related that I can do better than her. She's better at talking to store workers and people on the phone, but she can't cross the road. The whole thing reminded me of when I walked with Zaza and Adline to buy Coke for Hanna's birthday party in Form 2. My brain likes to make me miserable. When the Nando's arrived, we watched some prequel to The Exorcist or something. Nisa was a total bitch as usual, big surprise. I mean, I know I can't actually delve into her head and her thoughts and justify any of whatever it is she does, but I'm pretty sure, taking into consideration everything I know about her, that she just lashes out at people because she's self-conscious. I mean, I know me, so I know that the mean things I say, I say just because I'm programmed that way, but Nisa honestly seems to redirect her insecurities in herself towards other people. That's an assumption, or a hypothesis, if you may. I'm not judging. Obviously being a total bitch to me and only me gets her off the hook with other people and people seem to like her just fine. I suppose that is socially acceptable to make one specific person who happens to be your best friend feel like total and utter crap but then put on a smiley face in front of other people because appearances are important, after all. But no matter. Saying shit like "I'm used to it" makes me sound jaded as hell, but I honestly am used to it, and if I still feel a twinge of sadness or hurt, I'm getting used to it, so all in all, I am set up for a life of hurt and practically no support from anybody ever, but that sort of cynicism and pessimism has put me in tight spots before. All the more reason to say that I'm used to it, whatever else I might get myself into in the future because of my negativity, I'll weather through it, because I've done it once, twice, dozens of times and just another one time won't make a wink of difference.

I also hate Hanna a bit, mostly because I know so many things about her and I know her house so well and it's so hard and she's making it hard. I doubt I'll ever come to terms with this, and considering the fact that we hang around the same group of people and she has to see me just as much as I have to see her, I doubt she'll ever truly be at peace with this (only, is that wishful thinking?). I kind of hate her so much for ruining my life, and then I start to hate myself, only less, for even pushing the blame on her because I don't like blaming other people for my train wreck of a life.

Saturday and Sunday were leisure days, and by that I mean, God, what the fuck was I doing? The answer is probably fasting, a verb as opposed to a physical state.

No comments:

Post a Comment