The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

My Heart is Breaking for My Sister and the Con that She Called 'Love'

Foreword: Anthem of anger and goodbyes.

Week 4

Two noteworthy things happened this week, nothing more and nothing less, and they are both closely related. The first being this and the second being my apparent exit of Stage 2 of the 7 Stages of Grief. It's funny. I thought I had made so much progress in the weeks since my departure from school-life. But after something like six or seven weeks, I'm still at Stage 3. Stage 1 was the ethereal and mind-numbing confusion of the final days of the midyear exams, when my face never quite looked right and my heart was never really in the work that I was doing. And then something seemed to have broke on Chris's birthday and I entered the inevitable depression of Stage 2. Stage 3 is exhausting, mostly because it was triggered by that post Elyna wrote. Well, maybe. It was probably simmering in the silence for a few days before.

On Monday, I went to school with the intention of asking Pn. Hamimah some questions regarding the oratory competition. I forgot when this was, maybe Monday, maybe the Weekend of Week 3, but I do know that when I woke up on Monday, even as I was walking in through the school gates, I had no idea what my decision would be. I was still at a crossroads and I was still waiting for someone else to tell me what to do instead of taking an active seat in my life and taking control of what I've been yearning to take control for ages. Aleena, that smirk-faced scum of Earth, smirked at me as I entered the school and my heart was already pounding as it is but a definite sense of foreboding washed over me after that. I mean, talk about abandon all hope. Hope that I might still have a chance, hope that things could still return to normal. I commended myself so highly on my bravery when I had made a semi-decision to return to school that day, telling myself that Chris would have been proud but there are different kinds of bravery. I could be deemed brave for not running away and facing my fears. But then again, isn't it also brave to run away and save other people from yourself? I don't want to hurt anymore Hanna's, and I don't want to ruin anyone else's lives and I don't want to make anymore Nadiah's confused and harassed. And with all of this sitting heavy in my heart, I went to the canteen to ask people about Pn. Hamimah's whereabouts.

She was in the PR chatting up the new juniors. And to think I was sitting in that spot years ago, lifetimes ago, learning new things everyday and becoming a whole new layer of person. To look at me now, it's pathetic. Khairina said that the teachers all know and have been talking about me, and asking around about what my deal was. And the thing is, I understand the situation from their perspective. Oh, I can be mature about this. I can look at a situation from several different sides. I am in a perfectly reasonable place to recognize that they are just concerned for my well-being and that in instances such as these, adults have the rights to break confidences in order to help people.

Fuck. That. I am aware that that's what adults think, I am aware that they are under the assumption that they've got the whole situation grasped, that they know what's what just because I lied and cried my way through a confidential session with the discipline teachers but humans are nothing if not sickening in their predictability. And it is very predictable for them to come to their own conclusions and remain hard-headed and stubborn, thinking that they know everything there is to know, and that they possess all the solutions available for the current situation, and that I, as a student, am not only expected to listen to their assumptions of me, I am also expected to do what they want me to do. Fact of the matter is that, no, I am not hurt anymore than I have been hurt by Nadiah or Pri, I am just jarred by the outstanding reality of the fact that Hanna was voicing something which I'm sure hundreds of other people have thought before and that she was doing it in a way that was purposely hurtful; even if she never intended it to be a lash-out, she knew full well that it was one. I was just in shock and quite plausible denial of the fact that I am that bad. But time and circumstances have pointed me to the fact that I am, even as I was dissolving into a puddle of tears and snot in front of authoritative figures, I was still that bad because I was never being honest or truthful as to the actual scenario and that brings me back to the question of was my actions at that moment moral or even justifiable? Because I knew that the teachers were going to react and treat me that way, not believing a word I was saying and consuming everything I said but only really listening to what they wanted to hear. And what they wanted to hear was that I was the victim.

No. I was never the victim. Maybe I was the victim of circumstance but I've never been the victim of other people, and they have never been my bullies. The fact that I am an awful person never crossed the minds of the teachers and adults, and the fact that I realize that never crossed the minds of the other students. Since nobody's really listening, and every single 'confidential' session I have with these adults end up as public knowledge, Monday was really the day when my anger sort of boiled over and I came home and cried for the first time since Friday. Another - quite justifiable, in my opinion - reason to be angry? The fact that one little mistake that I don't even consider to be a mistake can change peoples' otherwise pristine opinion of me (and by people, I meant adults, because God knows my slate's tarnished beyond compare in the other students' eyes):
apparently i am a 'troubled kid' now 
i’ve done the whole skip out on school for half a year thing before and while i’m not exactly planning on doing it this time around, it sounds more and more appealing. so i went to school and apparently i am a troubled kid in the eyes of the teachers now just because i don’t like how the school has reduced me into someone who hates studying, and how the teachers barely teach, and because they don’t understand that i just can’t be around people.  
i mean call me what you want, really it’s no bother to me. ‘sensitive’ because i am actually emotionally invested in friendships instead of going from one mindless group of friends to another. ‘selfish’ because i’m not taking into consideration the sacrifices my parents have to make for this (which, by the way, not true. i have taken them into consideration and the way i see it, as long as i uphold my end of the bargain by doing my best, a best that can now flow more freely without the school to hinder my natural progress, there’s no reason i can’t pay them back in some form, financially or something else). i mean, school is not for everyone, and just because i’m different, i’m now ‘troubled’. it’s ridiculously motherfucking stupid.  
you create a system that is flawed beyond belief, that raises children who are nothing but shallow and mindless and fixated on studies instead of developing self worth or opinions worth a damn, and you question why someone would want to get out of that? i mean, if the catalyst to my wanting an out was because i had fight with a friend, that does not automatically render every single defect of the system invalid. if anything, it further proves my point that the educational system is not equipped to handle different sorts of personalities meshing together in a close environment, and instead semi-brainwashes people into being the same. 
i mean looking back at all my past blog posts, i was so lifeless before the midyear exams. just sort of going through the motions, zombie-like. is that what they want from me? to suck out all the fun out of learning and to make me into this shell of a person. i’m not going to attack on the school institution or the government or anyone really but i find it annoying when they invade my privacy, interrogate my friends, and only hear what they want to hear and filter out the rest when it’s my turn to speak.  
 sorry but i am angry.
effie (i'm tired)

To be honest, I don't really back up much of the beliefs I wrote on that day. Most of that text was written out of pure and sheer anger, nothing more added to it, nothing more subtracted. I've already said that I've been so far very rational about this entire business, that I am willing to see things from their points of view, and I don't particularly think that the education system has anything to do with it. My Dad was right, of course; I've constructed this very rational  and fact-based argument for myself and reasoned out my departure with intelligence, but those are all bonus points, those are all marks on the list that make me think that homeschooling is in fact the far superior option. But the true reason, the root of the problem, lies solely in the fact that I am scared of what I'll do next to other people, I am embarrassed to walk among those who are more than I am, who possess more love in themselves than I do in a single hair of my head, and I do not want to live a life that is built on all the lies I had told myself in the years past. And discovering that this week, really brought me out of my depression and elevated each and every emotion I had to downright anger.

Anger that is redirected at every other source, but maybe the main source of it was the universe, and God, and the never answered question of 'Why me?' Out of billions of other creatures crawling the Earth and ruling it under the human name, why is it that I was chosen to hate it all?

In Standard Four, when I came back to school, I was of course bombarded with questions. What was more, I was no longer on speaking terms with my Siamese twin of four years. But people seemed to not care as much, their attention span never really fixating on something for longer than a few seconds. That's kids for you, the least judgmental of the human race. They were so open to things back then, so accepting of the fact that sometimes, someone just has to take a little time out. But now that I'm surrounded by sixteen year olds, it's sad to admit that they've narrowed down their perspective. I mean one would hope that people would be more understanding when they grow up but they just become more set in their ways and have their own views of what’s wrong and right. And that in itself is neither wrong or right, it's just the way things are. I have a surprising knack for rationalizing things for someone who hates everything so much.
“sometimes i don’t think you have friends, you just have people you conquer”  
you’re wrong  
there’s a lot of things i have to learn to come to terms with but one of them is definitely the fact that not everyone shares the same view as you do. you’re probably just tired and i can’t say i don’t understand because i was always looking for an alternative way to settle the score between me and farhana back in standard 4. but what you said was just your opinion alone and i shouldn’t take it so much to heart because you’re just one person who’s speaking out of hurt and tiredness. 
if the past two weeks have shown me anything, it’s that i do have friends. and they’re not people i conquer.
This wasn't really written out of anger, mostly out of sadness really, and a strange sense of wistfulness for the easy days when things were black and white and happy, even. effie (i'm tired)

On Wednesday was my mother's and Zaza's birthday. My mother went out to look into changing the upholstery on our lounge chairs. As usual, it started out fine but ended with my mother acting like a douche to the saleperson, which prompted me to become consumed with rage and hatred and further strengthened my decision of not ever wanting to have children of my own. I mean, I get the urge or excitement for kids sometimes but it's all pretty much blown like ash in the wind the minute I remember that I am not the kindest of souls or the nicest of persons, and I am not going to the trouble of raising someone just to have them hate me. Also, I am sixteen and what kind of topic of conversation is this for a teenager? We went to Paradigm that evening and I bought my O-Level books. My sister was set to return the next day and that was something to look forward to.

Smokey followed us on the ride to pick up my sister at the airport and he shed fur all over the black interior like the big douchebag that he is.

In my state of boredom at home (I have yet to start my study regime mainly because I reasoned that it was all going to shit when my sister came anyways), I've taken to StumblingUpon wedding websites so the entire weekend, I was kind of obsessed with this future of mine in which I get married with a splendid reception planned by me and then continue to live the fabulous life of no-kids. Which led me to prompt my sister with questions regarding her future in front of my mother, just to rile both of them up. Sometimes I have doubts about my innate evilness. These moments perish quite fast after doing something as devilish as that. I know both parties (my sister versus my parents) are having a hard time out of this, but this is honestly none of my concern, they're just making it my concern by telling me things and bugging me about things respectively. I would never have placed myself in a position to be so vulnerable to someone as to be stupid enough to go to hell for them (I know, I know, Pri. In my defense, she has never and will never reciprocate, so those kind of feelings are safe and even though I know that I am more than ready to give it all up, it will never happen so there has never been anything wrong in indulging in a little impossibility). And I never would have told my Satanic sister about it even if I was stupid enough.




Sorry for the chicken bones lying around.

We had dinner in celebration of my mother's birthday at the same authentic Indonesian restaurant we went to ages ago. It was one of the few family gatherings I've attended at which I was not being in a state of utter melancholy, so overall it wasn't all that bad. The following day, we headed over to my maternal grandparents' place before going to my paternal grandparents' on Saturday. My sister's flight back was on Sunday morning so we made our way home, exhausted, on Saturday night. Friday night was when I read Elyna's blog post and I lost my shit and felt like crying and pulling my hair out but the initial feeling was surprising in and of itself.

It's no secret that I'm not a very compassionate person and I pretty much only look out for myself but when I read Elyna's post, I was just surprisingly and overwhelmingly angry because I thought she called Khairina a busybody (she was actually talking about Gloria). So that was a shock. But after we had cleared up the whole Gloria business, I just got insanely angry at first, the teachers, because to me, the source, they sound like they have no fucking clue what they're talking about. I need to prioritize? Are you promoting my selfishness? Because if I were to prioritize, I would have continued to go to that school and hurt even more of my friends. At least now, my friendships with Zaza and Khairina, while not at a total end, has been somewhat subdued by the fact that we don't see each other everyday and there's no way for me to possibly ruin that (but I don't want to sound like I'm jinxing it). Me prioritizing would be to put me first and foremost and I don't think education plays an at all important part in that, and I don't think you have any idea what you're telling me to do when you tell me to prioritize because you don't know me and I had no idea you even knew my name before all of this.

Out of all this anger, I managed to write this, in which I insulted the crap out of Elyna and called her Princess Sugaryaoi somewhere in there (which is, sadly, admittedly, a very cool name). I've been very self-righteous lately, which annoys me insanely, but I really do believe it's none of Elyna's business to judge me, of all people, mainly because she's never bothered to talk to me, and because she knew (she said so herself, not exaggerating) that I was having a problem in Form 2 and did nothing to offer to help and instead chose to judge me, two years later. I am very self-righteous. I have multiple sticks up my ass. But I am seriously not down with this judging people you don't know business. I've read her blog religiously (whenever I'm bored) for the past two years or so and I've never so much as judged her once because I don't know her. I've never talked to her. And I respected her enough, as a person I have neutral feelings towards, to not speculate about her on my blog even though I've done so with countless friends of mine. I've always felt that was justifiable, because I know my friends and I know what they're like and their actions affect me directly, thus I have a reason to assume things about them. Elyna has no rights to assume anything about me, let alone pass judgment, let alone speculate rude and negative things about me and my life  in a public forum. At least talk to me first, hey?

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