The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

heaven calling in the distance so I packed my things and ran

Q: Maybe it's the period talking but i've come to the realization that i've no real friends except for you. All i wanted was to keep those i thoughts was still mine together but obviously no one actually cares except for me. Maybe you too or others but rn i feel it's only me. Just now i had no intention to cancel on you guys. I just wanted to sound dramatic. We just got back from kelantan this morn so i understand why they're tired but nevertheless knowing it was just the 3 of you and fighting a losing battle with the parents, i still tried to keep what i still have together. So yeah i know it will never be the same again because i give up at keeping us all together. If it was meant to be it'll be. Yes i sound cheesy but you don't know how hard i've fought. But now i'll stop trying. Let her be with her tkc people. I'm just so tired. I've realized i tend to lose friends when not in the same class so i won't be surprised if this happens to you too. Please don't let it. I'll try too. I'll deny this if we ever talk about this again bye.

A: look, i know i've taken you for granted. in fact, in my life, you're the only person i take for granted. maybe because you're the only one who stands up to me or maybe because we became friends in unusual circumstances, pushed together because raihan and afreena always wanted to be friends. i know you want the 'golden age' back, i've known since you cried during dare to speak. i regret saying i can't relate because i don't. i don't keep friends. i never have. and it's something that i need to work on. that's why i'm seeing a therapist.

i am leaving because of hanna. i haven't admitted it to my parents, or myself, but i've never in all my years imagined this to be my life. i am not this. i am an optimistic person but lately i haven't been because everything in my future, i've always imagined hanna to have something to do with it. like i said, i took you for granted and i don't even know why. i don't think that life's going to be easier now that i've made this decision, i don't think i'm not going to regret this because i am. i am in love with the people of sri aman, in my own little way. they don't love me back and that's not their fault.

i know you want this to keep but you have no power over other people. you can't control them. things change and people drift and i very much regret not hugging the fuck out of you guys every moment in the past. when we went to midvalley and the toys r us guy gave afreena his number. when we slept over at raihan's a few nights before pmr results. when the four of us were at my house and we played with my old makeup and skyped afreena. the night before upsr results. these things don't keep. they have a used by date.

i am sorry i'm not trying. i'm sorry i gave up way earlier than any of you guys did. somehow, even though i've thought about it, i never really imagined my future to be anything like it is today and i got my wish. i hope you can come to terms with things but it's hard. i'm not going to pretend like i can relate. and i'm not going to lie and say you're my only friend because my only friend is myself. and i'm sorry for leaving you. i'll always be sorry.

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