The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

but something good tonight will make me forget about you for now

August 5, 2013: in hindsight, I don't know why I wrote any of this because it's clear to me now that what she wrote was terrible and inexcusable, especially because it was about a girl suffering from depression and anxiety, and I still mostly laugh uproariously every time I think about that time I went to visit SA and Elyna said it was 'nice to see me'.

i've been angry. at a lot of things, myself included of course, but it's always good. to be this angry. when i'm this angry i've never been more sure, ever, that there is a god in the world, because every single act of injustice that goes unpunished will be taken cared of.

=

so I spent agama looking left to see Nuryn who's clearly disinterested and right to see Nadhrah who wouldn't understand. it was an opinion about a classmate who quit school. I'm not really sure of her status right now, but it seems like she had some problem that most teachers know and wouldn't leak to the students. ustazah only said, "sometimes, when we can't get along with someone, you just have to brave through it and know your priorities." (translated summarized version)

oh just say my name why don't you we all know it's me. there is literally no one else you could be talking about. let's take a second here and think about what my priorities are, all right? and well, wow, will you look at that? my list is filled with NOTHING because i don't care about becoming a millionaire under twenty one, i don't care about earning enough money to support children because i don't want any. i just want a job i won't be scared shitless to go to in the morning and how can i get that? by studying, going to any college, going to any university, and becoming something in the medical healthcare sector because apparently that pays pretty well and steady. if i were to prioritize, priority number one would be to take care of myself because ain't no one have my back other than myself, priority number two would be to do well enough in exams for me because i deserve it, and priority number three would be to not think of how selfish i'm being because i don't know anything else.

i would love to play the blame game here and blame all the goddamn people in my past who expected so much out of me, the great big genius with the great big brain, so much so that i really couldn't bear to give a single fuck now. i just want to lead a quiet life, perhaps as far away from my crazy family as possible, and if it weren't for the fact that they wear weird clothes and have to fast a lot more intensely than Muslims do, i would be happy to be a monk or a hermit or a crazy institutionalized person.

and when we can't get along with someone? oh, by someone do you mean the rest of the fucking school? look, i'm not stupid nor blind nor will i belittle what my friends' preconceived notions of me, but i really do not get along with everyone at that school. i've since realized that if hanna and i had remained friends, albeit strained, then i would never have left, i would have been happy to stay but. but. i know i am sixteen. i know i am still young and in the eyes of adults, positively immature and incapable of making my own decisions. but people do this. people go out to seek a change in their lives after something bad has happened. i cannot be the only person in the world who does this, who uses running away as a legit defense mechanism because all of my other ones have failed. i am not.

so here I am to talk about my opinion about this person. I haven't read her blog in awhile and I don't know if she would've blogged about it, really. but I know her. when Pn. Noraini asked us "Dia ada masalah kan?" and someone said "Takde pun cikgu, no" I was like, how is it that you, a close friend (well I assume she's not really a close friend just a smarty pants who thinks she would know everything) wouldn't know and I do? I mean I don't know her problem per say, but in form 2 she did seem like she was having some issues and I've always thought that it was the reason why she's like this now.

you know what does feel like a betrayal, teachers? that after all i've done, all the service i've done for the school, all the good marks i've attained and everything, everything really, i sweep the fucking floors of the hall, after all of that, just because i'm making a decision that is considered far too bold or risque for someone of my position and age, they'd say these things about me. that i'm troubled. that i have a problem. i have worked my ass off for your class, pn noraini, because i fucking suck at bm and even in my state of emotional turmoil during the exams, i still strove to produce the best fucking bm paper i could muster.

oh elyna what the fuck do you know. you don't know me, you never bothered to get to know me other than read my blog, in which i am painted as a horrible person. but you know what? i don't blame you one cent for not getting to know me because i wouldn't either honestly. if i weren't me. but the thing is, now that you've made that decision? well. now that you've made the decision to not get to know me, who the fuck do you think you are to judge me? God? i remember when tabitha was asking hanna why she was still friends with me and that is fucking sick tabitha. i have never spoken thirteen sentences to your fucking face. i did have problems in form 2 thank you for asking. thank you for offering to help and fucking all. thanks a motherfucking lot fuckass. that's people for you, i guess, myself included. there's things that you can change but you don't, and later on you just sit on your fat ass all day complaining about it. after deciding not to get to know me past my online persona, after deciding not to reach out to someone you knew was having problems, how dare you fucking judge me?

while ustazah said "sometimes there are people we just can't stand" I believe that no matter how hard she tried, she would always be this person who no one can ever stand. 

ouch. honey, if i wasn't scared shitless of death and the afterlife, if i was suicidal, i would have killed myself after reading this. cross my heart and bear my own crosses. there is something i learned this year. something i have no one to thank for but khairina. she taught me that there were more than two sides to a story, more than four sides to a person. we're not just mirrors. khairina to me is the kindest thing and yet so many people don't like her. so a) sorry to disappoint princess sugaryaoi but i never tried. least of all for fucking you. and b) some people can stand me. just because you're too weak willed to do so, doesn't mean other people aren't.

I really thought Nadiah was different - she had always tried to help her in form 2, always being so nice. but this year even Nadiah admitted that it was kinda hard to talk to her. personally I tried my best to avoid talking to her. I don't know I guess I knew if I said something wrong I'm screwed forever. #np Juniel - Illa Illa. I never thought badly of her. I never cursed her and I know she doesn't really specifically hate on a person just cuz. I don't know, I guess I've always been contented that she's just like that and the easiest way is to just get out of her way. Ika was different though. she said she had some sort of problem with this person last year, and she would never forget it. when I showed her that the person talked about her in her blog she just laughed it off I guess. I'm talking without point here. 

eh whatever on alya. she's not worth my time. i don't really have anything against her. nisa hated the bejeezus out of her last year so i joined in because i was bored. it's not that hard of a concept to grasp. i don't care about alya at fucking all. and as for nadiah don't even. nadiah was nice, yes, but she's also flaky. her parents don't like me, she doesn't even know whether she wants to be friends with me somedays so you know what, i don't stay where i know i'm not wanted. i made a mistake thinking nadiah could handle me, she made a mistake thinking i was nicer than i looked. mistakes all around. it's cute that you've never thought badly of me, when you just literally said that i'm a person whom no one can stand. you want to know why your fanfic is so bad princess? some people have a way with words that makes everything they write make sense to other people, even if just on the surface. you don't have that. you never will. and i will gladly sit by the sidelines and watch you make a fool of yourself because there are so many badly written fics out there with good reviews and honey yours is just one of them.

I guess what I meant to say is that, I guess there are these type of people who just can't adapt. since I don't really know her situation, I guess I can't say much, I don't know if it's really us the society or her who's maybe emotionally or mentally dented (I'm not trying to be mean but things do happen).

check your definition of 'adapt' and look up assimilate while you're at it as well. i've assimilated to sri aman culture ages ago, i've learned coping mechanisms to adapt. to say something like that is supremely ignorant of you because it's just pure fucking unadulterated speculation on your part and none of it bears any root in the truth at all. check your fucking self. yeah, you can't say much and you really shouldn't but hey, look at all those motherfucking paragraphs you just motherfucking wrote! you're not trying to be mean and again must i commend you on your spectacular grasp on words! of course i would not immediately get the urge to stick you with a machete or jump off a cliff when people tell me i'm mentally dented! and the fact, the utter shocking despicable fact that you even suggested that society was a uniform homogeneous entity? i didn't want to say and honestly i'm not trying to be mean or anything but things do happen and you amigo are a fucking idiot.

i've read your blog long enough to know your weak spots. i know where to hit if i wanted to hit. i know you know all of the things you're saying are hurting me. they would hurt anyone. and are you honestly that mentally dented as to not think before you speak? then i guess we're not all that different after all.

but as I know I think if I was to be thrown somewhere by someone I have no power over (for example, my parents) I would just try my best to survive. a school I hate, in the middle of the desert, I wouldn't be an emotional wreck over it if I know it's good for me. and I know it's good for her - she may not have real friends (I don't know about this but it could be) or maybe she didn't like the teachers or the teaching environment or something, but it was good for her. if she really thinks that highly of herself she can think of it of a way to practice being humble. 

darling the first sentence makes no fucking sense. you, just like me and everyone else on the planet, have no power over anyone. unless you're an all-powerful lord or king or president or whatever. last time i checked you're still pretty ordinary and distinctly dull for a sixteen year old. and you know what? let's do this your way then. i'll dump you in the middle of the fucking desert and let's see the state of your emotions then, okay? i may not have real friends? you think nisa is a figment of my imagination? they might not be loyal and they might not last forever and they may have moments of pure loathing of me but they're tangible. they're there, unlike your intelligence. you think when you love someone that you're going to be happy with them and their actions twenty four seven?

i do not think that highly of myself. i realize that i am different, not better, nor worse. but you know what? i don't need a lesson in humility. i know we're all created equals and i know we've each been given advantages that we have to work with and we're all tested with our own individual challenges. but i don't need a lesson in humility because i'm not here TELLING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT'S FUCKING GOOD FOR THEM. i am not god, i'm not a prophet, i'm not even some overly pious guy and you know what, i have eyes, i can see that you obviously are not either. so stick a sock in it and do me a favor by pricking yourself with a needle a thousand times because i will never ever forgive you for making all those assumptions, for judging where you are not needed, for making assumptions where you know nothing, and for being a motherfucking dumbass all around.

so you see. the words i've said. the words you've said. do you think i meant any of what i've said? do you think you did? the thing is, i've been reading your blog for a long time, and i know what to avoid saying. you in turn have read mine and you know that i say really hurtful things when i'm angry and here's the thing.

you, along with everyone else, will never know whether i actually mean the things i say or not. but it doesn't matter does it? loose lips sink ships. i know that now.

she was a prefect, always in the top five of the form. things were good for her. but yet, she couldn't adapt. I feel like it's a pity, to lose such a classmate. it would make me forget that not everyone is the same. she was not the same. she might try to be nice, but that's sincerely out of her heart to not hurt anyone relatively, because being herself would hurt almost everyone. she wasn't a fake. but the real her wasn't very... likable. not that I hate or dislike her because of that. sometimes it's just the way things are, ya know. not everyone's nice. I guess I've been keeping this to myself a lot so I'll just let it go all in this post. it still itches me that I can't mention her name though.

yeah, not everyone's nice. because niceness is an illusion. you might be doing someone a favor when you're being polite to them, some people just find it annoying. not everyone is the same is the lesson here.

NO WAIT THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING LESSON. THE FUCKING LESSON IS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ME AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE. putting the things i've said about certain people aside, like alya for instance, THE MAJORITY OF MY JUDGMENT IS RESERVED FOR MY FRIENDS AND okay not great and all but at least i KNOW THEM. I KNOW WHAT'S IN THEIR HEARTS. I DON'T GO LEFT AND RIGHT SAYING THINGS LIKE SHE WASN'T A FAKE, SHE MIGHT TRY TO BE NICE TO NOT HURT SOMEONE RELATIVELY (WHICH BY THE WAY ALSO MAKES NO SENSE), ETC ETC EVERYTHING YOU'VE WRITTEN.

i can make assumptions too. i can judge too. in fact i just did. i told you you're not a very good writer and that is a judgment i'm passing on to you. i can assume that you think you're above average in the writing thing and i can assume that my words will hurt you and i can assume you thinking that i'm not all i'm cracked out to be and i must think so highly of myself to say these things.

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