The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, May 18, 2012

We Dig Our Own Graves

Routine is so boring. But then again, if I weren't a prefect, I would still have some form of routine, because I am slightly anal like that, and because I suck at pretending not to care about being late to things. At the very least, being a prefect has given me an outline of everyday, so there's never any real deviation from routine unless I don't go to school. Of course sometimes one yearns to color outside of the lines. But those days are few and far between for me because I just don't like school to care about it anymore than I already do.

So the routine this week, which is exams week, is basically the same as prior weeks, but with added problems. I still have duty in the morning, and the fact that I can't read or study during that period is of no consequence because... I'll get back to that. And then recess. Oy, recess. When the seniors who inhabit my recess duty class leave, I will gladly roll out the red carpet out the gate and throw flower petals at them as they make their exit. I mean, it's not that they're particularly all that rude and I pick which battles to fight wisely so it's no extra pressure or anything, but they're just really noisy. And thus, kind of disrespectful to the other people trying to study. Um, well, that's a bit hypocritical because I'm sure I was noisy at one point or another in the hall, but at least I acknowledge my hypocrisy. I, like, literally can't do anything else. Going home, I'll be drained, absolutely drained with no ounce of energy left in me (except to go online and read fanfiction, of course) so by the third day, I got the message strong and clear and opted to sleep as soon as I got home (and updated myself with the latest goings on in cyber reality) and study into the wee hours of the night/morning. Also, my sister in law is now babysitting a pair of kids and God. Living with my nephew and all, I didn't think it could get worse than that. I don't see why anyone would ever find kids a particularly good idea (I'd only do it so I could dress them up and pass on my awesome and all of that). They are monstrous.

It gives me cramps and I wake up crankier than usual, but I have nobody to please lately. Exams week and everyone's so self-absorbed to notice I'm in a fouler mood than usual. I don't blame them. I am selfishly only worrying for myself and I'm all for not giving a damn about anyone else, too. Monday was by far the busiest day, and I say that because, as usual, even though I'm pretty sure the effort I've put forth for midyear is less than half of the March tests (and that's okay, as far as I'm concerned - I did too well last time). So no stress. Only a mild disappointment in myself for today. But it's not just me, though! Everyone's energy seemed to have been sucked out of their very souls, too, and I guess it's just because of everything going on right now. Things have been so shaky and the dust haven't even had time to settle yet before, boom, exams. So I hardly think you could blame me for not wanting to care.

But about Monday. The BM paper, which was both the 250 word essay and general essay, was better than I had expected, but then again I always expect the worst when it comes to BM. So set your sights low, kids, and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised one day. I certainly was. I finished it with some spare time and recess was nerve wracking, all that trying to stuff last minute information into my brain. I am simply not built for that. The paper itself was slightly worse than I expected (I only set my sights low for BM) but I got through it and hopefully I can get some spare crumbs of marks from whatever crap I managed to spew all over the page. Minimal contact with Nisa and Nadiah (or Khairina or Zaza or whoever) because everyone (me included) were in their own world filled with Buddhism and Hinduism and whatever the crap Chapter 3 was about. I was pretty upset with my History paper, considering, but I think I managed to answer most of the questions with at least an intelligent guess.

When I got home, it was havoc. Everything was going on online so I sort of couldn't tear myself away from the computer. I ended up staying up until three to cover mostly everything I'm supposed to. I don't think there was anything all that bad with that day's Agama paper. I know it's not flawless (neither am I, so not that big of a loss for me, overall) and I only got really stuck on one question, so I'd consider that a success. During recess, I pretended to study Physics even though I wasn't exactly but I don't really want to not be appearing as if I'm not studying because then I'd look cocky. Trust me, cocky is the farthest thing from what I think I am. Apathetic, sure, indifferent, maybe, but cocky? Nope.

Before English, everyone was oddly enough trying to study idioms and stuff. I don't know I mean, I'm not a fan of idioms but I slip it in ironically into my blog posts enough that I'm pretty much familiar with most of the common ones (and some of the not-so common probably thanks to the idiot box), plus people sound really stupid when they use them most of the time so I mostly just hung around people and talked to myself. I comically fell down while jumping over Chris' birthday (next Sunday!). I think mostly Nisa, Damia, Violet and I sat around and read through some idioms. The paper itself was nice. I mean, I can never stick directed writing, and I've long since given up on which part of my English usage is slang and which is 'proper'. I'm kind of into my continuous writing. I mean, I don't care if teacher 'gets it' or not, I honestly don't. I like it. That's enough. I know it's probably not the best thing anyone's ever written (gosh) but it was a pretty ace concept and something if, given more time, I could've made it actually good by actual writing standards.

The next day was Physics and even though I barely covered the (two) chapters, the paper was surprisingly chill. We had three hours of nothing after that, because Physics was the only paper for us for the day. Instead of studying Chemistry or, like, whatever, I sat with Nadiah, Nisa and Damia with books open in front of us until Nisa managed to piss me off and away. Then I just sort of started migrating from table to table. At Khairina's table, we talked about who should be Head Girl next year (Maryam wants either Divyia or Pri G). Lana and Elia talked to me about being cousins, journalism class and Grant Gustin. Divyia told me about what she wrote for her English paper (fanfiction - the type I read once maybe circa 2008). Xueh Wei gave me a kitty on a book... thing, which was so nice of her.

Even after three hours yesterday, the entire time I had at home, and two hours today morning, Chemistry still left me feeling pretty stupid. I mean, on the one hand, I'm not one to care much to say that it was all that hard and cry and worry about it or whatever, but on the other, I'm not going to nonchalantly proclaim my love for that paper or anything. My History and Chemistry teachers are kind of crazy. Still waters run deep. And crazy. But it was a nice enough day, with me teaching Nisa and Damia how to balance equations and other calculations from that chapter. Pretty useless in the longrun, since I basically choked through the whole paper, but whatever. I don't need marks to feed my self-esteem. Intelligence is not about that.

I am hungry now.

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