The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

We Build Our Own Walls

All the clocks in my house run on different time. I might as well be living in different parts of the world.
I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, ...  
... God has given you one face and you make yourselves another. You jig and amble, and you lisp, you nickname God’s creatures and make your wantonness your ignorance. Go to, I’ll no more on ’t.
Hamlet, Act III, Scene I

On Friday during prefects meeting, we played this game. I can't say for sure whether I've outwardly changed much in the span of a year and five months. At any rate, I know where I stand regarding a few of the more confusing issues I faced last year, but a lot of things are pretty much still up in the air. I don't know who wrote what on my paper (I can only identify Khairina and Xueh Wei and Santra and Divyia and Pri and... well, the people who signed their names). Most of it was expected, one kind of shocking and two really weird ones that should hurt, but don't really. 

Khairina's was hilarious: 'majulah Fix You untuk negara'. She wrote some other stuff. To be honest, it was mostly compliments (some backhanded, don't think I didn't notice) on how honest I am. Also, several (around three or maybe nine) wrote how scary I was and I think those are juniors (I hope those are juniors). Xueh Wei wrote that she hates me. Good. Right back at you, you cretin. Everyday, run off the mill 'you're awesome', 'you're nice' (what a blatant lie), 'I love you' (it brings literal tears to my eyes). There was one that was illegible, quite possibly written in Sanskrit, and one 'you're very capable', which I don't know what to make of.  But mostly it's people saying they're scared of me. A lot of it ended in question marks because I think they were scared of me? And I am Buddha-like in my calm and acceptance of that fact.

People have stopped writing 'smart', which is something to note, really. I mean, hello, I got second in the whole form last time. Maybe if I shout it from the rooftops, then they'd start acknowledging that again. Kidding, by the way. I don't actually care. And only one person wrote I was sarcastic. A bit of a downer, if you know what I'm saying. I guess I just haven't been talking to people much lately, which is sad in some ways, but I have no motivation to do anything this year. Or, at least, as of late. And now to address the kind of shocking one and the two weird ones that I have no idea how to respond to. They say that we should take these things are constructive criticism to help build a better outward image, I guess. I am not really that interested in building an outward image for myself, nor am I particularly all that interested in either 'rehabilitating' that image or 'bettering' it, which is a word, I'm surprised. But in a world full of 'buts' and trying to please people, I guess I owe to myself more than to anyone else to try and fix myself from the inside out.

Shocking: 'Don't be so mean' which ended with a maybe exclamation point, maybe question mark. While on the whole, I sort of expected more of that, it came as a shock because, like I confessed that day, I lied so many times while I was writing on peoples' backs. 'You're nice', 'I love you', 'I'm going to miss you' (okay, so that was directed at the seniors and I guess, yeah, of course, I'm going to miss them, so it was not a total lie). I only wrote a whole truth twice, the rest were just pleasantries. I mean, constructive criticism, sure, but I'm also not one for, almost quite literally this time, stabbing people in the back. Like Kurt said, if I had something to say, I should say it to peoples' faces. This is just another one of those passive aggressive games that I got kind of tired of, just like the 'Dariku Untukmu' thing. 

I think one of the Top 3 wrote that I am 'very sensible at times but don't terasa when we say something' because of the 'we'. I guess that is my outward image. I am apparently easily 'terasa'. I feel like this is a test within a test, in which my reaction to someone saying this is part of the... saying this itself, if that made sense. It probably didn't. So, okay, I'll take it. I mean, what's a girl gotta do to get some concrit up in here? Nothing, apparently. It's all free and anonymous. I'll work at controlling the emotions that flicker across my face, then.

'You're pretty negative, but that makes you who you are! :)' Last year, someone said I was optimistic. I guess, yeah, my outlook has gone sour and downhill, especially these past couple of months. I can't stand school, I hate studying, everything sucks, and I am not afraid to whine about it like some ungrateful little social pariah. I'm not going to blame the school for that. I'm not even going to blame The Man. Whatever I feel, it's because I make myself feel it. There is no blame to share around. If I'm negative, then that's just something that I'm going to have to work on. I mean, I don't think I'm a hundred percent negative. I can get as self-deprecating as it gets, but I know that for the most part, I'm not to fail my exams and fail at life. I guess outward appearances are important, but... I don't know. I mean, don't they say that you are what you think you are. And on a smaller scale (or maybe a larger one, depending on how you look at things), you have no idea how idealistic I am because I am going to make the future into something that I would want to live in. And I know it's something like a lost cause and I know I'm going to pay for it dearly after I die, but I've made up my mind. I'll change myself from the constructive criticism you've all given me, but I would also like to change this country, sometime in the future.

Yes, I know. People view me as aloof because I am. There is simply no one to blame for that but myself, but blame sounds like something pretty negative, and I honestly don't mind the space. When I say I hate people and I hate the world, I mean that as the most base feeling that I get when I look around and think. It's because people are selfish, and ignorant, and a whole mess of other things and these traits are inherent. They're in everyone, myself included. I am not saying I hate people or I hate school because of the little, inconsequential things. I am not saying it because I think a specific person is acting this or being like that, because I am not talking about a specific person. So when I am talking about something that is as general as human nature, I do not expect nor do I particularly like it when Nisa comes back with 'Well, have you ever thought that people hate you, too?' Because that is not general, that is not an inherent human trait, that is neither selfishness or ignorance, that is a jab, plain and simple, at my personality, at my character, and do friends do that, really? I am negative because the Earth and its inhabitants warrants negativity, even if it needs optimism to thrive.

I am aware that the reason I do not mesh well with people, in group dynamics or one-on-one, is because of my negativity, because of my hate for all things human, and I accept that the walls that people put up are there primarily because mine are so much thicker. I accept the conclusion that people hate me because I hate people first, but I do not accept the way that Nisa said it. So to all of the people I've made angry in the past (except for you, Nisa), I'm as sorry as I could be and what you need to know, first and foremost, is that I know. I know I'm like this. I'm not fine, but I'll get there.

Khairina said that it was hard because other people put up walls too. But it's like physics, you know. A balanced force. Something that pulls on both sides. There are those who reach out, actively, to accommodate my misanthropy, and there are those who do not accept anything that differs from normal. And like Divyia said, pity or no pity, I guess that's okay because then I know who my real friends are.

I wanted to make my mark as someone different and I did. I am the brutally honest one. Am I okay with that? Of course. Are other people? No. And that is simply a fact of life. It's like plants making oxygen, people dying after their time's up, television shows coming to a season finale; it's indisputable. The price of being who I want to be is this? Well, I'm not sure if 'so be it' is the right thing to say in this instance. I just know that there are some things I can and will and want to change, and some things that I still need to mull over.

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