The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Supervision

If I swim out and the sea takes me,
it's different... I'd be making the choice.
I want to be conscious until I'm gone;
I want to feel something, even if it's the pain
of salt water in my lungs...
I want to feel the fight.
Something huge, and terrifying... and brave.

Helena had this school project thing she's working on in which she had to go around and interview a bunch of random people at shopping malls or something. I wasn't quite clear on the specifics but who cares, because that was basically my Saturday. Problem was that I had made prior arrangements to hang out with Syaz, and before that, I had plans with Elo, so we sort of all ended up hanging out together except not really? The day started with me and my sudden craving for McDonald's, but I didn't get that. I woke up at a pretty reasonable hour, actually, ten something, but still that was later than what I originally had in mind. So Elo picked me up not twenty minutes later, barely enough time to wake up properly, definitely not enough time to eat, so we had breakfast at her house.

Was it awkward? I don't think so? I mean, only her mother was home. Maze was out. I'm not exactly sure why I was there in the first place. I mean, I'd never say no to an invitation over, of course, but circumstances have made my spending an excessive amount of time there just plain old weird. We were supposed to go out but then I guess we just got lazy. We ate some more, flicked through some magazines, talked, she let me listen to some of the new songs she wrote and some she had even gotten around to recording, and we ended up with our feet dipped into the pool at around one in the afternoon. That was when she told me why she was doing this, inviting me over to just hang out. Basically, two reasons, the first being that she didn't want our friendship to be compromised just because of a stupid decision her brother made (and yes, she did say it was a stupid decision and as time progresses, I can't say I agree exactly. I'm not thrilled or ecstatic but I'm not going to call other people out on their decision-making skills either because, honestly, me? Not one to judge) and also, to check up on me.

So of course I told her. I mean, how could I not. She didn't say anything for a bit, just kept splashing some water about, and then she sort of... gave her blessing? I mean, for one thing, Elizah. I know that's water under the bridge and all and I honestly love Elizah as a friend now, but at the time, it was the whole woman scorned thing, the whole nine yards. And I'm not saying I'm going to do anything now of all time, because I definitely have other things occupying my mind, but it's good to know that you've got someone on your side. This whole thing has been about losing things, and taking sides, but we've worked so hard to let everyone else know that we've got their backs. This is petty to others, this is almost inconsequential, and I'm not going to let something that matter so little in the grand scheme of things affect the dynamic that we've been been building up for ages.

I'll admit I was kind of sad when people started taking sides, but then again, we've all got a tiny flair for the dramatic, and just like every other time this has happened, there's no stopping people from treating this like a battle. So maybe I'll find the courage to confront people out on this, because honestly, this is none of anybody's business, it's supposed to be strictly between two people, and as a group of friends, as a so-called 'family', everyone should just be, like, supportive. Regardless. I've strayed a bit, haven't I? I'm just tired, I had planned on writing all of this down on Sunday but time got the better of me and now it's Tuesday and I just fell asleep with my head in between pages of logarithm exercises. I'm not making excuses or shoving the fact that I'm studying in anyone's faces, because me studying sounds just on the wrong side of hilarious right now, but I really don't want to talk about this. Everything just sounds so cliche in my head right now, and puked across a page (or rather, typed hastily in post-form), it just looks stupid and I'm back to plain old disappointed in everything right now.

You'd think I'd be angry. But no. Anyways, after Elo dropped me off at Curve, I met up with Hel and Syaz and had a good day but just thinking about it makes my head hurt so I really don't want to. It's a nice memory, something I'm sure I'd want to look back upon and reflect over later on in my life, but right now, it just feels like a pain in the ass.

I'm not sorry, not really. Allow me this one chance to be petulant and say that you started it. Even though I was the catalyst to the conversation in the first place, the fire fueling every single wrong twist and turn, even though that was what had happened, you still started it. And I'm not sorry this is the what it's come down to, because things have changed, and in this instance, I don't need your permission. I don't need your blessing. And I don't need to know about what you do with your life from here on out.

Although it would be nice to need those things again.

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