The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Parallel

If this were last year, I would have been all up in your face and you know it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am irrationally angry about this, just like I would have been last year, and I am fully aware of what is up and what is down and what sorts of crimes I've committed against the ones that you have. Maybe it's the fact that I've lost too much in the past couple of weeks to properly care, or maybe it's because this time, I have no one to blame, not even myself. A lot of things have been slipping through the cracks lately: my studies, my focus, my study schedule, my eating habits, my sanity probably. The only thing that's getting any form of benefit out of this is perhaps my phone bill.

I know it gets tiring. I know that at this rate, the chances of things getting better is something like nil. But if this is the price that one has to pay to do whatever the fuck one wants to, then so be it. I'm not going to pin the blame on you here because I know that after all this time, I've never been able to fully know you, much less understand you, so who cares, you know. If this is all it amounts to, then who am I to try? I still don't want to waste it all away, I'm still too wrapped up in 'habit' and 'the natural order of things' to properly comprehend what I stand to lose in this bargain. Or non-bargain, depending on how you look at it. And just like last year, I'm not the kind of person to want to throw it all away for something as simple as a petty fight. Friendship is blood, sweat and tears and no one's ever told me otherwise so after all of that effort, obviously, I see something to salvage.

She was wrong. I don't hold grudges and I probably never will. So many things I know I should not forgive people for, and yet I still try my hardest to forget. Water under the bridge is like everything everyone's ever done to me. So be it, you know. So be it if I have to let this go because you're stubborn. And I care, of course, and I'd fix it if you'd let me, of course, but there's only so many things I can and am willing to do under the circumstances. So it's fine, if you want to cut the cord. I'll hand you the scissors.

I may not understand what things look like from your point of view, but just know that I never will unless you set me on the right path. And I may not be the best person on the planet, but I'll always be willing to try, to give things a shot, something that not a lot of people have the guts to do. So what if everyone pities me, so what if no one really cares? I may not respect you, but I respect myself and I'm not going to put myself, nor you, through that again. Not if you're unwilling.

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