The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Our Carefully Constructed Plans

Taking a break from my perpetual pity-party to focus on midterms. Not that, you know, focus is actually a thing I can do nowadays. It's not so much that my mind wonders off to undesirable places as it is just a general lack of energy to do anything, partly because I am sick (and what a flimsy excuse that is) and partly because I am not looking forward to much of anything. Okay, so that's a lie. 

I'm looking forward to the midyear holidays, maybe doing something with Nisa on the Thursday after the final midyear papers, Petaling Street with the YE people on that Saturday, reading and getting into Game of Thrones after finishing my previous book that was put on hold because of exam preparations, camping with my friends, and Chris Colfer's birthday. I am not looking forward to a lot of other things, most of them beginning and ending with school, but two things stand out as of right now, and they both have a very traceable source. Should I say? I don't know. Should I, shouldn't I. Fuck it: I am not looking forward to futsal with the prefects because a) I hate sports even more than I can't play sports (but given my past reservations regarding the chosen bonding exercise, i.e. the bowling thing, I can't say it will be that bad because contrary to the assumptions I have made, there are actually, physically people out there who are worse than me at doing stuff, so it's probably not going to be the worse, and this level of optimism actually scares the bejeezus out of me) and b) my position as 'part of the gang' is precarious enough as it is, what with my hating mostly everybody and all (it's okay on most days but when it comes to something like this, they're all going to get competitive and competition also scares the bejeezus out of me, sometimes I wish they would just can it with the whole 'positions in class and the whole form' thing. Seeing your name as the last in the whole form sounds like a pretty lousy incentive for me. It sounds more like 'well, what you've been doing so far hasn't been working up, but what's the point in trying a little harder? You move up a number?') and also (I bet you forgot me mentioning two specific things I am not looking forward to, but, yes, we're continuing with that) I am not looking forward to Hanna's birthday, because things like this leaves me in conflict.

I mean, like, ugh. I've been through something like this before, with someone else, and now things are terrible, and I sometimes feel like (insert whatever word you want to here, because at first, I thought I'd put 'I sometimes feel like killing myself' but that would be a stupid thing to say because I literally have never felt that and it feels like an insult to those who are actually suicidal. So, choose your own word or words). 

But like I said, um, last year, things have a way of working themselves out, even though most things in my life hasn't, but that's okay. No, it's not really. I have nothing to say. Anyways, now that we've covered things to look forward to and things to dread, I'm thinking about exam results and how much I want to care, but can't bring myself to do it because if I get good grades, sure that's going to make me happy, but so is going to drama or hanging out with the Fix You gang. If I get bad grades, sure that's going to make me sad, but so is going to school and looking at people. So I figured, it's more or less the same whichever way you spin it? It's not as if I'm not going to study or, you know, panic, but out of about nine years of experience, here's something that's never failed to amaze me: no matter how little I try, I will literally never not be among the best. And that's not going to happen if I just go 'fuck it' and sleep all day instead of studying, but I'm not going to do that. Okay, so I did that yesterday, but from now on, I'm going to do that.

I've always wondered last what would happen if I channeled all of my energy into studying instead of being on and off, what would happen if I used up a hundred percent of my potential, and you know what? I don't care to find out. Because if I don't care, nobody can make me care. This is just a school-based exam. Marks will be taken down, yeah, it'll be important, yeah, it's a stepping stone to getting good grades for SPM, but I'm saying this knowing that I'll try my best, which is not even half of my potential, and I know there's always room for improvement, next time.

Man, motivating myself is more fun now that I know I won't be crying like a baby if I get a B for something. And admittedly, a B is not a bad grade. I would definitely take a B for BM, for example, although to set your targets low would be an admittance of defeat, and I am not a defeatist, which is a word, by the way. But I'm just sayin', a B's not a bad grade.

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