The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Insouciant

I hate how my life goes unrecorded now but when I get back from exams (or heck now, we can start now), I am going to sucker punch myself in the you-know-where-that-I-don't-actually-have-considering-I'm-a-girl every day I fail to write something on here. I mean, it doesn't have to be entertaining. God knows nothing on this blog was entertaining, like, ever. But it would be nice to reread all of my thoughts and know I was in that place once, and now I'm out of it. Or back there again.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling utterly dejected and aimless because it seemed as though nobody was talking to me except for Nisa (and myself and Helena occasionally). Like, barely a week later things started going back to normal. I mean, a lot of people surprisingly do not actually talk to me unless I approach them first. In my ennui, I must have forgotten that. Nadiah and I have talked quite a lot these past few weeks, mainly owing to the fact that Nisa never actually goes to school when there's anything going on. I would somewhat envy her her luck (whenever I'm at school, there's always a shit ton of homework) but then again, she's missed a lot.

I know I owe Khairina the meeting minutes and all, and isn't that just the story of my life, but take a step back and just chill for a moment, bask in the glory that we have this kind of, no scratch that, very odd friendship. I mean, the finger snapping, booty shaking thing is insane. Like, on a whole other level of insane. The other day, we had a sort of meeting that comprised of Nisa and I eating guava and Zaza, Kharina and I lazily going through Tasawwur. This is irrelevant to the whole insane finger snapping thing, but it's still about the Fix You gang, so I figured it counts. When Nisa left for her PRS meeting about fifteen minutes late, Loginy came and sat down and started talking about her interest in taking Tasawwur. Did I mention I had a Tasawwur exam today? Also, I quit accounts. Yeah, I know Violet and everyone else, everyone knows. But my blog doesn't know. And my blog deserves to know. I figured if I ever need help balancing a cashbook or whatever, I'll just pay Divya to do it. Encik Yusof thought I was moving and that was why I had quit. I had expressly told him I thought the subject was basically useless for my future. Tasawwur is kind applicable. Anyways, if only I could drop BM now, right? 

Contrary to popular belief and changing the subject drastically, I am not short a lung or two due to having spent the better part of two weeks hacking it out. Nisa seems to think I have some old woman disease. The doctor seems to have nothing to say except to offer me medicine and nod a lot at what I was saying. I wonder if there exists a doctor out there who actually says things like 'get well soon' or something? Doubtful. I will refer to my sister on this. Or is that like, too personal a thing to say to a patient you're treating? These protocols are way beyond me. Oh, but speaking of, I would like to give you guys all of my sincerest apology for tomorrow, because I know I will be coughing in fits for the two hours of mind bending stress of basically all of our subjects. Because basically all of our subjects are two hours long now!

Well reading through my blog for the posts I had written pre-March tests, I can't say I'm not disappointed in myself a lot. I mean, I studied two weeks earlier for that son of a bitch. And what did I do yesterday? Eat pizza, read fanfiction, buff my nails. I also watched Scott Pilgrim twice this weekend. I mean, I don't know. I don't know where all of my energy's at and I don't even know if I want to know the answer to that. It's a scary thought, going into this knowing that you haven't done your best (which, like I said, is not even half of my potential) but it's the eleventh hour. What can you do? I know I should stop like reading fanfiction at this point and all but... so much has been going on in my life that this just feels like a blip. Whatever's on the other side's just going to have to be faced. There's literally no way out but though.

And to be scared of this? To be scared of failure or of success? Sounds pretty dumb to me.

But yeah I should probably stop it with the fanfiction.

No comments:

Post a Comment