The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Demi (It's Good to Be Me)

So today during prefects' meeting, everyone was all "So what did you learn from camp?" and my answer's probably not what you're expecting. A lot of people went overboard during camp and I, personally, don't really understand? I mean, I wouldn't call it overboard because most of the time, I can see their true personalities shining through. I'd call it... uncontrollable. Because during the 'Bang' game when we got the facilitators to join, everyone was so uncontrollable, I wanted to cry. When you're a prefect, you'd be very familiar with a certain type of headache: it's the headache you get when everyone around you is supposed to be quiet but they're not and you're trying to make them keep quiet but the noise level just skyrockets and your head starts pounding. It was like that, only worse, because we all know that prefects have louder voices than normal students.

Also during prefects' meeting today, they mentioned a specific unnamed someone who totally did a 180 on their personality. And here's the thing, really, I mean, it could be anyone, sure, but at the same time, it couldn't? That didn't make any sense, so I'll just go with this. I wasn't on my best behavior during camp, I'd admit that. I mean, I have a conscience, I know, and it bites back with a ton of guilt on occasions but by saying 'no' so many times during camp, I felt really lost. If you're looking from the outside in, then you'd probably see a self-centered person who's not pulling their weight in the group (although I tried a little harder on the third day). But every single decision I made was calculated, thought through, and I had a reason, honest to God.

What I guess I'm trying to say here is that if you look at someone and you see one thing, your observations, your assumptions, carry as much weight as a false accusation. Power only exists in a space in which everyone involved cares, right? So if the person you're looking at doesn't care, then you have no power in your observations, and you have no power to make them change. There are a million and one ways you can interpret a situation, a person. Like (and I hate name dropping, really, especially when it's about a friend, but it's just an example, and it's the least exposing) what people say about Khairina. You view things from different lenses and you get different results. A person's actions and words don't reflect a person's thoughts and feelings, and vice versa.

I just think that so much of what we do and are encouraged to do at school (and in life) is all just smokes and mirrors, trying to put up a pretense and build up an image that might not even be who we are. To be a 'well-rounded' person sounds great and all, and I know this sounds stupid, but what if I don't want to be well-rounded. I'm not saying I'm short on potential, I'm not saying anyone is, but (and how do I put this delicately) I don't give a fuck about sports or the environment. Oh, wow, that sounds bad. But yeah. There are people out there who would lay down their life to save the environment, and I'm not saying I don't respect that, I'm just saying that I have other causes I'd rather devote my life to, and it's not a competition of which causes are the best ones. Sports, though, I just don't get. Individual sports I get a little, but organized or team sports just completely flies over my head. I don't play well with others and I just really don't understand any of it.

I guess that's why I really look up to some people (hint: Chris Colfer) (but more than him, really, I have a list) who have a great image, a sublime public personality, but you can tell, you can just tell that they're achieving that while managing to stay true to themselves.

I'm not exactly sure where I was going with this. I think I just thought up of some stuff and threw it together in a mess of words. If I was one of the people acting so-called 'overboard' at camp, then I'm sorry, because that truly wasn't my intention. And I say this with full realization that intent does not justify outcome, just like the ends don't really justify the means. But for what it is worth, even if it's just a false accusation, I didn't mean to come off however you had negatively me to come off as, because I had always wished for the best. Sometimes you don't really realize how you come off to other people, so I'd take any opportunity I can to just say sorry, you know.

And as for everyone's little camp crush, I found it... embarrassing. I mean, I guess you could say that the reporter from the religious integration event thing was worse, but this time it spread out over three days. It's good to be me, because right now, boys are the last thing on my mind. Well, not really. Sports is. But then, boys. I mean, again, sorry if I came off as one of the love struck camp-goers, but not my intention? Never my intention for that one. Like I said, I like personalities, not... boys. And I don't really have anything to say for those who were willing to, well, put themselves out there, for lack of better words. It's your life, completely up to you, I really don't want to hear people moan about the fact that he has a girlfriend, and also, apparently now teachers can ban you from being friends with someone.

A day in the life.

No comments:

Post a Comment