The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, April 9, 2012

You Can Get Addicted

look, okay, i didn't want it to come down to this, me writing about you on my blog like some sad pathetic teenager bemoaning her life. it's petty. it's stupid. it's what i do with all of my friends but never you because i told you that i'd always have respect for our friendship first and foremost and broadcasting it to the entire world to read wasn't exactly the level of respect that it deserved. but you're not listening. you're not understanding and to hell with it because i don't understand anything that's going on either.

what r said wasn't true and you've known me for five years now, it shouldn't be this hard for you to choose to side with me rather than someone you've just met this year. you know what i can't stand thinking about it, that leer on his face like he knows more than you and i put together when he knows nothing. he knows nothing about p, for instance. he knows nothing about k. or s. i just these are bad examples, i know, but come the fuck on. i didn't spend an entire year trying to prove something to you, i spent an entire year trying to prove something to myself and you were there for it, weren't you? you encouraged it. me.

i'm going to say upfront that it's not about her, it'll never be about her because i. you, me and her, we exist on totally different corners of the universe. i'm not going to go around wishing for something that is not going to happen because i did that two years ago and look where that got us. if i cry, because of her, it's only because of how angry i am that i was such a bad person, such a bad friend. i don't cry because i'm pining, i don't cry because i want something that i can't have and i've thought of this before, you know, i've thought of how there is always something getting in the way of what i want and at the end of the day, there just isn't. there's nothing there but me and my mind telling me what lines i shouldn't cross.

so let me make this clearer than it already is, if we're going to talk about this now, it isn't about her. and it never will be because you know that story, actually, you're the only one who knows each and every detail of the story so now you want to doubt me? doubt how much i care for you, sure, but doubt what i already figured out about myself and have decided on ages ago?

he said i was as good as. there is no such thing. i mean, honestly, that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard come out of his mouth and trust me, there are plenty. he said i could do better than what i've already done for myself and that's just so ignorant because he doesn't know the half of it. are you honestly letting him dictate your life now because i know that that's not what this, all of this, is all about.

you just want me to choose and here's the thing, i've already made my choice. i know it's stupid, i know it's, heck it's petty, but there isn't a single future that i don't imagine you in. that's like fucking serious right there. there's only four other people in my life right now whom i seriously can't imagine living life without, so count your blessings. so like seriously what more do you want when it comes to this because i don't really have anything else to say.

i know this isn't real. i know this might as well be a figment of my imagination. but you're seeing it from the most pessimistic point of view ever. i'll work on it. i'll get better. i'll completely find myself and things will all fall into place like puzzle pieces fitting together and the world will be tipped right side up again. 

or like i know is probably more probable, it won't. and we'll always do this just because we feel like we have nothing better to do. so the ball for right now is completely in your court. you can fucking have it and keep it forever if you want. if you want to sort your shit out, then fine, but i just don't see the point anymore.

and so he was right about like one out of a thousand of the things he said.

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