The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Who Needs Enemies?

I am sorry but in my defense, I really hate the world more than usual right now. You know what, actually, I don't need anything to defend what I'm about to say, because everything's warranted, I think, so it doesn't even matter if I hurt your feelings or if you're never going to talk to me again or whatever. I think we can call it even if any of you ever read this. I think that's an eye for an eye. It makes the world go round and all of that.

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I forgot what day this was but I remember that it was the Thursday after the Leadership Workshop. So that makes it exactly a week after that. So that makes it last week. Okay, we've got the timeline down. Anyways, Damia gave me this YE shirt to return to someone, I forgot who, so I brought the shirt that day since I told Damia I'd return it for her. I really don't think this has any actual relevance to the story or anything. It just brought me to remember something funny (or rather, stupid) that Nisa did during the workshop so I turned to Hanna and was like, "The other day, at the YE workshop-" and Hanna just completely cut me off with a: "Are you still on about that?" in her annoying faux-whatever accent she's trying to prove she still has voice and continued with, "It was like last week." 

Okay. So I was confused at first because that made as much sense as Ashwini's "read my imaginary fingers" line because if you want to talk to someone about something, as in have a conversation, does your topic of conversation really need a time limit? I mean, for real. I can talk about like World War I or something and it would still be a legit conversation because who the fuck cares when it happened, I can talk about it whenever I want to. I mean, if you honestly did not want to listen to that, then by your leave, you know, Hanna. But that was kind of a douchey thing to say. You sounded like such a huge douche. I mean, I sound like a douche a lot by saying things like, "I don't care," or, "Oh, are you still talking? I wasn't paying attention," but to be fair, those types of things express disinterest instead of... well, snootiness. If we were to have a conversation, I was just trying to come up with a topic. I don't know about you but you talk about a lot of crap erring just on the worse side of ignorance, and I tolerate a lot if not most of it.

Another thing. I was going to tell Hanna and Nisa a funny story that Madam K told me on the ride back from Sunway University or College or whatever and okay, the fact that they didn't hear me at first and sort of ignored me was kind of acceptable. I was just going to leave it and maybe tell them some other time, even though Nisa urged me to go on with my story. I said, "Never mind," not because I was particularly all that annoyed (some part of me was annoyed, of course, but minor compared to what came next). And then, well, out of the actual conversation, this may not seem like much, but I have no means to properly recreate the conversation or anything, so look out below. When Nisa was telling me to go ahead and continue with my story even though I was no longer all that up to it, Hanna said, "She's not going to say it." And that was really annoying, kind of rude of you, because in the first place it was you who didn't listen to what I had to say and I was already chill with forgetting about the whole thing. It was kind of like she was bringing up that whole conversation on Thursday again, just because I didn't want to continue with my story about the YE workshop thing then but what the fuck do you expect, man? You asked me why I was still "on about that". 

I think the main thing that puts me off about her lately is how much she's turned back on her words. I mean, I know she was super close to Cassandra in Form 1 and all, and now they're back to being all great buds and all, and I am not jealous of that, in particular because Cassandra, in all honesty, is cool. She's okay in my book. It's more of how she seems to be choosing all of those other people, like Divya, Priyanka, Jen Li, whoever else that hangs out at that table in the morning, over me. This wouldn't bother me so much if she hadn't expressed her dislike for these people and basically agreeing to what I have to say about them several times over in most of the discussions we've had in the past. I mean, I told her, didn't I? She was like the third person at school whom I told. So I'm not actively looking for people to cut me some slack or something but honestly, if that's the response I get, then wow, what a great friend.

And she doesn't tell me stuff anymore. Like, I get that there are some things I won't understand but there has always been things that I'm not privy to and that's okay. But she doesn't tell me anything at all. And okay, so even if I'm part to blame because I've been unresponsive and distant and aloof these past few weeks but I told her. If this is that whole 'space' thing again, then I swear to God, I'm going to fucking throw a bitch fit. Last year you didn't talk to me for like two days because I didn't tell you something important. Now, you're not telling me anything at all. On a scale of one to telling Lana about that thing in Form 2, how much do you think I regret telling you what I told you before we watched Titanic 3D?

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Razali's mission in life is to ruin other peoples' lives. That is a fact. I'm not going to bother with the "What did I ever do to you?" shtick because so, okay, maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is karma. Maybe I shouldn't have asked that question because only bad things come out of people answering it. To be frank, of course I know how many people I'm hurting, or how badly the wound cuts, because I wouldn't have considered it love if it hadn't hurt that much. But have you ever stopped to think about how useless I've been feeling these last couple of months. It's part, we really shouldn't be doing this, and part, I really do not deserve this, that combined to form the perfect combination of failure.

What I don't understand in the first place is what your opening statement was. What do you mean by "I'm as good as", Razali? Are you implying that there's something wrong with being that, because if that's what you were saying, then there's tons of people we mutually know who would be more than happy to beat some sense into you. Are you implying that I don't deserve to have people on my side just because I'm on the fence about a lot of things? I just don't understand and to this day, I don't understand so you know what, I'm not asking for your explanation. I'm not asking for your apology. What I'm asking for is for you to make things be like they used to be because I personally can't stand this anymore.

It's like the year before last year, but worst. Worst because now I realize things that I never dared to even think of in Form 2. Worst because now I know certain things that never even crossed my mind when I was fourteen. It's worst because for once, in regards to this whole charade, I needed something to validate the fact that I wasn't all that bad, and you took that away from me. You made me feel the worst I've felt since then and the fact that you, a nobody who has no actual ties to the situation at all, can make me feel like that is ridiculous.

I just don't know anymore. I am at such a standstill right now. Last Wednesday, I thought that it would all fall back into place, that this was just some weird little argument we failed to solve and Helena's every encouragement contributed to making everything better instead of worse. Instead, I woke up with something akin to a hangover and everything that was great and miraculous the night before dissolved into a nightmare. Badly, I wanted everything to go back to normal but how could they really when I know that this time, normal has a time limit. 

Maybe now is the time to cut my losses, you know. I mean, by the end of the year, everything would go back to being water under the bridge. And who knows, maybe someone else will pop up and make things better. But then today happened. I mean, out of all things, for God's sake. I realize that every step I choose to retrace will just bring me back to square one but it sounds better than just standing still. I just don't know anymore.

I guess I should ask myself the million dollar question: What do you want? Surprisingly the answer to this hasn't changed much. And it's still not, you know, so maybe this is the right thing to do. Love something, set it free, whatever. But I can't get to that. I can't. I've never had a chance in the first place and if I continue on like this, I'll only end up embarrassing myself further but you know what I can't. 

I can't not. I need a distraction. There's a lot of things I regret about Form 1 but to be honest, that wasn't really one of them. So I've got to say that maybe if we regress back to that, maybe we can arrive at a place in which we're all happy and sated. It sounds like a long shot but it doesn't hurt. I mean, I've been tormented by nightmares for the past several days. What's a few more real action living breathing nightmares?

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Another thing is that I was annoyed at Nisa the other day because she was talking about responsibility of all things and when I told her she knew nothing of it since she's always skipping out on school, she said that I was just jealous. You know what? Shut the fuck up. You sounded so dumb. When people like you talk about responsibility of all things, you just come off as whiny and inconsiderate and uneducated.

The number one thing I'm thankful to the prefect board for is teaching me the meaning of responsibility and doing a job well. Because all of these people think it's okay to just skip out on school at their whims, anytime they feel like it, and I used to be like that, too. And Nisa thinks it's okay to not come to school but attend meeting and Nadiah thinks it's okay to just skip out on meeting altogether but you know what? That's ignorant. Like it or not, we're bound by responsibility, whether they're visible (such as being a prefect and everything that that entails) or slightly less visible (such as being a student), and the mentality that you can just shirk these responsibilities as you please is stupid.

That was a really stupid thing to say, Nisa.

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