The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

This Mo(u)rning

I wish I could keep this feeling forever. This feeling of knowing, absolutely knowing what comes next, and being okay with it, because that's how I feel this morning after an absolutely traumatising weekend. I'm afraid that if I let go even the slightest bit, I'll forget everything I've resolved to do and every course of action I've decided to take.

Like how much I love Hel. Not like that, of course not like that. I guess during that one period in my life when everything that was up was down and the other way around, I guess I just got so caught up in trying to tell my story, trying to come up with a story to tell, that I got the characters all mixed up and wrong. Pined over all the wrong people and built up sandcastle fantasies about things that never should have even crossed my mind. But now I realized and know, without even a shadow of doubt, that without her, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be the person that I am today and for better or for worse, you know, but Hel taught me everything that was important in my life right now and kept me from making most of the mistakes that she made. She was harsh because she was careful, she made me feel so low most of the time because she knew that there was a possibility for one to sink lower and she singlehandedly prevented me from going there. I know that it's stupid to think of now especially in this very fragile situation but Hel's my family. I trust her with so much more than I can even begin to comprehend. We'd go weeks without talking but at the drop of a hat or a whisper of a disturbance, she'd come running to make s ure I was okay and I've done the same for her.

I can't say for certain whether I love her more than, well, other people, but it's all-encompassing, all-present, and she's honestly the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid right now like beg for forgiveness or cry myself to sleep every night.

I know I probably deserved it, like a slap to the face. And it's, I mean honestly, I was just waiting for the right time to play the victim card but I've done that, I realized. I've fooled myself into thinking that I was the innocent one with the heart of gold and you can sort of tell that all of this was coming. Like, I regret and want to take back most of what I said not because they weren't true but because they were so much better left unsaid. It was demeaning, both to me and everyone else involved because by saying what I did I sort of took away everyone else's choice and those choices weren't mine to make, or take. So, okay, addressing this head on.

Was it stupid that you didn't tell me in the first place, yes it was. That's not even up for debate. Every single time we had a disagreement, it would have been so easy to slip that in. It would have in fact been much easier on me to punch me in the gut with it a couple of Sundays back because that was the sort of wildcard that people saved up for occasions like that. Big news for big occasions. Did I react irrationally, no I don't think so, given the context. I'm not saying I don't understand nor am I unwilling to put myself in your shoes but it was a stupid thing to bring up at a stupid moment. I mean, excuse me for thinking that things were going well and were well on their way back to normal. I thought, okay, small falling out and then that's it, right, we'd talk again, work our way through things, like the sensible people we are and it wasn't so much letting bygones be bygones as trying to Eternal Sunshine the thing from my mind altogether. It's selfish and by this time, it's borderline masochistic of me to try to pretend that it didn't happen, but I was truly convinced that that was the only way out. Not this. Not for you to just spring this up on me out of the fucking blue.

I understand I was asking for it, and maybe planning it was way overboard but it was all a joke. You know that right? And in every future, I always imagined us still talking to each, friends. Getting together for coffee or something or watch the movies and that was always the card I laid on the table. I never took it away. I mean, obviously I meant what I said. Obviously we're doing this backwards and I shouldn't be too attached to a backup plan. But like now you're telling me that you're moving next year?

Am I the only person who thinks this is insane? Like, okay, so maybe we wouldn't hang out as much or call and talk on the phone or do stuff like hang out at each others' houses but when you just up and leave, you took all the cards off the table and I just thought that this year, for just this one year, I wouldn't have to worry about being alone. Because even if my friends at school all suck, I'd still get to talk to you. I thought maybe, find someone else? That can wait till next year. I am sorry if it's worth anything at all and I know it's not. I am sorry about everything from not meaning it enough to saying it too much.

I understand that you left that's fine, I left first whatever. But why are you literally leaving?

I want to keep this forever because right now, this morning, I'm thinking that come what may, I'll figure it out and it's going to be all right. I know it's sort of a must belief that you're the only person you have and trust no one else because nobody is as trustworthy to you as yourself, but I have Hel. So these past few years, I've learned to cope with and without people and however flimsy of a support system I've got, it's still a support system and I still love these people and I'm still going to be okay. Maybe later. Eventually.

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