The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Back, And Here Again


I guess I'm sorry, but not really, for not making the time or finding the time to write more. It's sad, in a lot of ways, which I think I'll expand on later, not just the fact that I've ceased to have a life worth writing about, but also, the fact that I can't bring myself to create stuff up to write about. It's not like I'm some Award Winning blog or anything, but I used to have standards.

Well, all right, I never had standards, but I had a routine. And it was a nice one too and damn it all to hell that it's been broken. Life's unfair, though. Comically unfair. So while I'm taking part of the blame here, I'd also like to point a big fat finger at Life for not giving me some time out to blog. Naturally, I have no idea what's been happening and when I look back upon these days of plenty, I'm going to mourn and weep over the fact that there's this seemingly gigantic hole of nothingness for the past couple of weeks that had apparently sucked all goings-on out of my life like a big black hole. I started a few drafts here and there, some that made it and most went to the chopping block.

I guess in a way, this is good. This is exactly what I need to move on and stuff and start a whole new chapter in my life and who am I kidding, I am not ready for this, and it's been three weeks, you'd think I'd be somewhat ready for this. I am not. I do not really want to. I really literally cannot move on from this and the people I had expected to be there for me just aren't. Either I pushed them away or something or I've been such a huge pain in the ass for the past few years that said friendships literally meant nothing and could diminish at the drop of a hat. Anyways, when I'm sad, I say 'literally' a lot. I don't mean it in a literal fashion, though. Or at least I don't think so. Back to all of this being good. There were a lot of things that happened that I don't want to remember. But just the fact that several weeks of my life's gone just like that, seemingly erased from time and space with no record of it, is odd. I'm just not used to my thoughts and feelings not being archived.

1. School and what goes on at school and the people at school and how basically I will never forgive any of you, ever, for making me go to school.

I've been feeling less and less motivated to do stuff. I know people say that I've got 'spirit' or whatever and be that as it may, or rather as it was, but I've been seriously quitting things left and right here. It's not so much the fact that I can't handle the pressure or stress or whatever because I just don't get stressed, it's just that I don't want to. Like I said, be whatever form of perfection you think perfection takes, but I just want to do me, and live my life happy that way. If everyone didn't side eye me for no good reason other than the fact that 'Oh, she got good grades last time, she must be good at other stuff as well', then I would courteously bow out of every single thing and let others, who actually want to even if they don't deserve to, take my spot in whatever the fuck they want to do in their pathologically insane race to the 'top of the pyramid'.

Which got me to wondering whether, as I sit on my disintegrating swivel chair in front of my computer, crying buckets over Chris Colfer interviews and pirating music and reading fanfiction, someone out there is studying their behinds off with the very intentional intent of beating me in exams. I mean, I don't think so, because in class, I am honestly so dumb, it's not even funny (although unlike some people, I take a chill pill and don't feel the need to cry when I'm unable to understand a lesson. I just go to sleep or something). Quick run through: History, Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Add Math, Math and Islamic Studies, I am clueless at. English isn't even a class and BM, I'm not even good at during exams. That covers all of the subjects. And I am clueless about all of them. So it's no strange feat that I don't appear as a threat or anything.

It's not that I want to be, because I don't want to be a Violet or Santralega or whatever, it just tickles my curiosity. I mean, obviously I study. But I do it with the maximum amount of chill a person who's studying can muster. Like, I don't study the shit out of stuff like Santra, Divya, Zaza or Fatihah. Heck, even Divyia studies in her own way, even if she doesn't really believe in the education system as much. I literally feel like one of those deadbeats who don't do anything with their lives other than surf the net and yet I get good grades and I feel so weird. I mean not saying that, like, for example, Nisa doesn't get good grades even though she studies probably about just a tad bit less than I do, but, like, I don't know. It's just when I look at my grades, I am impressed. Not at myself, though. I am literally perennially disappointed in myself. For like, no good reason other than the fact that I don't want to study like Santra, Divya, Zaza or Fatihah do. And I don't.

School is getting more and more ridiculous, though. I mean, at this point, I have no advice to give to my maybe-existent-maybe-non-existent junior other than, "People suck. You're not going to get over it, you're going to learn something out of it, but that is literally your life until you find some new people after school, and even then, according to some of my friends who are already in college or university, chances are people will still suck" and that's not even advice, much less one that I'm going to willingly give to someone. There are all these ridiculous activities everyday, like speeches or whatever and the teachers barely come in and they're telling us, not even with the decency to be polite, mind you, that we're not supposed to complain about the school on the Internet. Oh, sorry, little High Performance School or whatever, I lost respect for you (and like, everything else basically) ages ago and check yourself before you wreck yourself, I've ceased to care.

I am sorry for being a disappointment or whatever to, like, YE or Blue House or basically whatever, but you offer the stupidest choices available when it comes to extra-curricular activities. Kind of wishing I had joined like Choir or Orchestra or whatever, but Choir like sucks really bad and Orchestra seems like a cesspool of unnecessary... I won't finish this sentence. I have friends from Orchestra. This is not my fault that I've lost interest. I mean, on one hand, yeah, I'm supposed to force myself to be interested in these things for the sake of being a well rounded person, but on the other, you're fifty shades of gray and dull and eating-Clorox-for-breakfast-because-life-is-that-monotonous and not-caring-about-suicide-jokes-right-now-because-extra-curricular-activities-at-school-are-as-boring-as-school-itself.

2. My friends are okay when I'm okay, they kind of suck when I'm sad, and when I'm happy (which is basically never) they are shining beacons of hope for a future I don't really want to step into.

The good thing about the upcoming exams is the fact that the amount of time I'm about to spend with certain friends of mine will increase exponentially. Exhibit A: my cats. I study with my cats. It is my salvation, my daily getaway - memorizing historical facts with Fluffy outside in the dying sun, doing practice Add Maths papers with Fluffy by my side, watching YouTube videos on mitosis and logarithms with Smokey and Caesar curled up at my feet. They're my best friends, no matter what people say (for example, "You have to have human friends," like you can control my life). Exhibit B: And this is kind of a sad one, because I used to be able to just go to like Maze's house and have him and Helena and Elaine teach me stuff like Physics or Add Math, but yeah, situations and shit. And Elaine's no longer hanging out here or if she is, I haven't seen her in ages. But Helena's still up for it, you know. If anything, she'll help me even if she has no clue what she's doing and that is the majority of the time. So maybe in this instance, perhaps I ought to have YouTube as my best friend? Exhibit C: I just hang around Tumblr more when it's exam time, maybe because I need to feed off of other people's energy, even if it's bad energy.

So (and I don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than it is, because it seriously is not that big of a deal) Hanna and I haven't talked in ages and I am surprisingly not bristling in indignation at this. I mean, I wouldn't say I am blameless nor would I say say Hanna's being an unreasonable asshat because she's not. And I sort of am but not really? At any rate, I have bigger fish to fry and also, there's plenty of other fish in the sea, and I've started going to school a tad bit later than usual because I really do not want to hear Divya talk about how happy she is that she's finished covering everything for History. I mean, everyone else is okay. As okay as people are and I am not like pathetically alone in class or anything, even if Nisa's not there. Nadiah is perpetually partner-less ever since that new girl who came and got a massive case of culture shock and then left again, so I'll ask her to come sit next to me when Nisa's taking a leave of absence or finds herself unable to get out of the bed. Khairina and Zaza are in front of me although there's never a guarantee they'll be in class. Everyone else is a given. English class is kind of okay even though Pri still freaks me out sometimes but I should really be used to that.

Speaking of, how about that camp, eh? It was all right, I mean, I guess I don't really want to write about it much because I've never written a full fledged report on a camp before and to start now would just be weird, right? I was in a group with Santra (which was... unfortunate but, of course, undeniably fun), some other people (sorry, other people), Elyza and Hanna. You could say it was the fates for that last one, but I've stopped believing in orchestrations of fate since the end of Form 2. Hanna, Divyia, Pri and I sat at the back of the bus (maybe I've mentioned it?) (also, forget about that fates thing) for the trip going, but the seniors rightfully took that spot for the trip coming back (the spot that will be mine next year, bitches). The activities were geared towards people who go out a lot, which I do not. I mean, of course, the chances of me getting robbed or raped or whatever doesn't necessarily decrease just because I'm a homebody, but on a scale of one to usable-during-uncontrollable-Assemblies, one being really useless to me as a prefect and ten being the Holy Grail of secrets to success as a prefect, it was a negative integer. 

I hung around Khairina a lot during camp, which was a lot less than you think. Basically, if it weren't for Divyia and Xueh Wei, I wouldn't have felt tied to the board at all, and here I am under the very wrong assumption that the board only consists of Form 4s. But, you know, as it goes, there are so many of us that we sort of just take over. And it's not anybody's fault, of course, not individually. What happened on Saturday night can't be blamed on just the one person. But Divyia has a point. Everyone would think the camp as simply subpar if there were different facilitators. Then again, though, as a counterargument to that, if the facilitators are what made the camp awesome, then hats off to you guys. I'm not authorized to police which factors do and do not make camp awesome for you. Personally for me, it was the Sarung Gang and the fact that we had so much free time, it literally dragged, but to each their own, you know.

In unrelated news, picture week was... who cares, some time ago, and the Fix You Gang held papers up with 'The', 'Fix', 'You', 'Gang' written messily and sloppily on them. I can't wait to see these pictures, personally, because I was floundering around trying to make sure I wasn't covering anyone's face with my sign, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't looking at the camera at that time and God, awkward. I hate picture week, like, literally. I like the Fix You Gang. I'm happy we sat the way we do and I'm happy for frequent trips to the library to establish a closer bond between all of us, even though the library makes me sweat like a pig.

3. And that is all my life consists of, because everything else is either sad, irrelevant, or virtual.

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