The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Certain Kind of Sadness

there's more to me than this. i know that. this is not what defines me. this is not the entirety of my being, i am not limited to just being this label that you stick on me. i can't stand it because now it feels as if this is all i've got and nobody wants to acknowledge it. nobody, if they ever figure it out, will ever be pleased, or happy, or approving.

let me ask you this, don't you know by now? isn't it obvious? why i don't care, why i care just a bit too much, why i keep on about it and why i disapprove of you and your life so so much. it's because i want that. i want what you have but i don't have the nerve to actually go out and achieve it. i don't, well i'm not like that, not really, you should know how these things work but i just. i have my days. and when i go through those days i just want someone to be there with me.

the worst is of course having the feeling not reciprocated. but for right now because of you and your hot and cold, the worst is just being. i've been on standby mode for an entire week, waiting for something to just give, waiting for someone to just come up and say, hey, i know, and it's okay and i like you anyways.

i don't think it's my fault. i don't think it's your fault either. i am too much of a coward but i know that when the time is right, i'll do it. i'll step out. for now, don't you know? isn't it obvious? do i have to go through it every time crying tears for your battle?

i'm not defined by this one word but you're making it hard for me to be anything other than. i'm not.

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