The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Tuesday Is My Day Off

I really wish that I didn't have to go to school. I know how often I've said this before but you know how they say cliches only becomes cliches because they happen so often? I only say this because it is a feeling that is constantly in me, a ball in my stomach that never goes away, that feeds and feeds on the negativity around me and especially the negativity around me when I'm at school. It's in part the people, and in part the education system. It hit me for the thousandth time in what has felt like forever (but in reality is only a few very short months, probably five or seven at most) that I would very much enjoy exploring the wealth of knowledge that the books and websites and other resources of the world have to offer were it not for the fact that I get shovel-fed a wealth of pretty useless information at school.

I wanted to study on Tuesday because it was my day off. I was still sick, so I thought I better cash in on the sick before it faded away into oblivion (technically, it has yet to fade. I could still plead off school because of my still sore throat and still blocked nose. But it could be worse. I could still have an inflamed throat and a runny, watery nose, for instance). But just the thought of the word itself, 'study' put me off that mood. There's so many negative stuff associated with that one word. 'Study' to me basically equals to nothing more than 'compete'. And while I understand, seriously, it's a competitive job market out there, I don't much care.

Other than that, it was boring day because I did nothing. When I came back to school on Wednesday, I discovered that Nisa once again decided to take another day off. Since I just pulled one of those on Tuesday, I thought it was a bad idea to be pissed at her for it, so I let her off the hook even though I really did not want to answer the phone every time it rang when I got back. So I sat next to Nadiah. I think that there were a lot of subjects in which we did nothing much. Physics was actually fun because we did two pretty much useless experiments. Mostly, I asked around for suggestions of new things for me to be obsessed with and the general consensus is that I should find my own things to be obsessed with, in my own time and space.

Bullshit. I do not care from which source my obsession comes from. I just want something to do in my life other than read fanfiction about characters I no longer care about or characters who make my eyes bleed with tears. But I guess they were right about one thing. I would save no cares for their suggestions because most of them didn't sound interesting enough to pursue. So for the past few days, instead of fanfiction, I've just been on YouTube a lot. I also managed to rewatch Ugly Betty after being hooked on it again from on and off watching it on TV. I also managed to rewatch a few of my bookmarked vlogbrothers videos. I also just downloaded a shitload of albums and have yet to transfer them to my iPod, which I should get to soon.

And the post started off so well, too. Shame.

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