The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Thank You

Okay, hi. Just a quick update to talk about some things. First of all, I've decided that things are finally going to change and from now onwards, I really don't care about what happens in my studies. It's not that I'm going to coast by on the praises that people have given me in the past, it's just that this time around, if I'm not the best or whatever the standard definition of 'the best' is, I won't beat myself up about it. I'm not making promises about keeping my eyes dry here but just as a reminder to myself: intelligence does not define you. In fact, none of society's standards can define you, because I like where I am right now, who I am right now, and even though I still have insecurities and I pretty much suck in my studies right now, it doesn't matter because being the best is one thing, but being happy is another thing completely.

Adjacent to that is a recent development in my life. Well, maybe this is old news. It's probably old news. But anyways, things have naturally progressed and flourished this week and I am at my wit's end. I can't take it anymore. Last week, I cried because I thought I didn't know what I wanted in my life, and one of the things that I managed to get out of that was the certainty that you were one of the things that I wanted in my life. But now it's within arm's reach and quite frankly, I can't do it, really. I mean, if you know, then that would mean you're really cruel, which I doubt from past experiences. But if you're oblivious, that would mean that you're really stupid. So it's a lose-lose. I realize now that I wasn't after anything more than power and it's sad, really, that power can never exist in this sort of vacuum that's been created as one party is more informed than the other. That... doesn't make sense. So it's not going to get easier after this and everything's an uphill battle, but on the bright side, things are calm for now.

I am particularly happy with a lot of things. I may have to suffer through a few "good luck, not that you need it"s but in the long haul, things are going to get better for me because I've realized a lot of things now. Yesterday I realized something else that made me very happy. I apparently now possess the power to turn any negative situation into a positive and I'm thinking that as long 
as I have this superpower, I'll be all right.

Good place in my life, and March tests are a mere few days away and I'm still not feeling the stress. I am going to be okay no matter what the results.

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