The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, March 31, 2012


It's always nice, to me, when I realize something that changes my mind. I mean, it's not necessarily the best feeling in the world. Sometimes I realize what I should've known all along and I feel so stupid. Sometimes I realize that things really could be worse and it leaves me all happy and tranquil. It's a good thing, though, I think, because it means I'm not static. I'm not standing still and not thinking about things. My morals and my ethics have gone up and down but at least they're not a straight line.

In relation to this, I remember something that Ellie told me a while ago about... actually, I can't remember her exact words, but let me go and find them. Okay, it's through this link. I hope she doesn't mind that I'm linking to it because I'd much rather do that than, like, quote the entire wall of text. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say and sort of semi-put off is this: I have come to a different conclusion regarding SFS. And it's all right. This post may be called 'Retraction' but I'm not taking back everything I said. Most of it still stands firm. After being pissed out of my mind that I had to attend and participate and worst of all, buy the tickets for this event, I decided to get childishly cranky. I think that if it weren't for the fact that I was at school, I would have thrown a legit temper tantrum on Friday.

I got home and I asked Hanna where the money for the sales of the ticket actually goes to and (shocker) she had no idea. I asked her to maybe pursue some of the senior Interact club members about this but a few days later and she hadn't gotten back to me yet so I thought maybe I'd take matters into my hands. The numbers of some of the organizing committee members of SFS were plastered all over the school and Internet. I got the answer, though, through some Facebook stalking and the proceeds for the ticket sales of this event goes to the Malaysian Mental Health Association. Thanks for being straightforward about that and telling us all about it on the event blog. And since I've found out about that little bit of information, I'm starting to see things in a slightly different manner. 

I mean, yeah, it's a good cause, I can't exactly deny it. And I mean, as useless as the actual carnival is going to be, maybe this has already raised awareness, you know. I mean, suicide (and I will stop saying 'I mean') is not really as taboo of a subject as they're making it seem. In fact, it's a joke amongst teenagers. People make fun of it all the time. People say "kill yourself" or "I'm going to kill myself" all the time. I'm guilty. I've said that to people so many times, I lost count. (I stopped after last year, though. It was sort of like the year of enlightenment). But so what? It's raising awareness in the media, a little bit. It's raising awareness amongst older people, or slightly older people, who perhaps don't think suicide is a joke, but maybe they think suicide is something that might not affect them directly. So, it's practically no use to 'raise awareness' amongst teenagers, or the group of people that's going to make the majority of those present at the event. They're going to continue making light of an actually very heavy and loaded subject and there's actually, literally, physically nothing anyone can do about that. In the wake of this campaign, I'm not actually seeing a change in peoples' attitudes, they're not exactly being the supportive group of people they make out to, and should, be.

Divyia brought up the issue of how the money would actually be used since, in contrast Autism Walk 20-whatever, they can't exactly give the money to victims of suicide, considering they'd be dead. But that's not really a concern of mine, because raising money for awareness is an honorable cause and it makes up a small fraction of charitable deeds that the Interact Club could get involved in, but I guess considering suicide is something that hits very close to home for a lot of teenagers out there, then it's certainly a very good decision (in fact, I'd go as far as to say that suicide is the number one thing that has a direct relation to teenagers and high school life in general, because school sucks real hard) (although, considering that the effect it has on its actual intended targets - teenagers and school children - is not changing their points of view or the way the act in any way whatsoever as they'll continue to joke around about the matter, you could say that the point of all of this is moot. But just because nobody cares, it still doesn't decrease the value of the event and the cause itself.)

And that's what I should've realized from the start. That just because a bunch of attention whores want to take pictures of themselves with the words 'It Gets Better' on it, it doesn't render the entire campaign useless. There will be money made from it, a very healthy profit, I'd imagine, and all of that money goes to a place that will work its butt off to help people with mental problems. At that point, when the money is where it's supposed to be, the intent behind everything from the buying of the tickets and the attending of the carnival becomes completely irrelevant.

You could argue, as I'm doing now, that when it comes to Islam, intent is the most important thing of all. If people are buying these tickets and attending this event because of a reason other than to support this very worthy cause, then I guess that's their personal problem. Their personal sin for being insincere and it has no ties whatsoever to the cause at all, doesn't decrease its value, like I said.

I am still pissed at the tagline but what can you do? I mean, hopefully people aren't going to actually use this line on people who are suicidal. A lot of people say that they've been suicidal but, to be honest, some of them didn't really truly reach that point. And I can't, you know, judge on the matter because I've always been too afraid of hell to even think about death. I guess when you're suicidal, you feel like you have no choice? But I'm lucky that I've always known that these choices in life? It's mine to make. I make all of it. I run my own life. I know that I rub it in peoples' faces, that I'm confident about who I am, that I like who I am, and that I'm constantly confused at people who aren't like this. I wish I could bottle confidence up and sell it to people because as annoying as they are, if they choose to be that way, then who am I to tell them to change?

Speaking of choices, I've been very disappointed at everything lately, which is a huge difference because usually I'm just angry. But this week, I'm disappointed. See, I don't want to actually walk during the SFS thing. I may have relented a little bit and agreed that it's for a good cause, but I paid the ticket. That's my intent. My intent was to donate that twenty dollars to Malaysian Mental Health Association. I am aware of the growing suicide problems in Malaysia, that's why I want to become a psychiatrist or something in the mental health field. Even though I do not fully understand it, I do not make jokes out of it either (anymore). That, really, is as far as my intent goes. I do not intend to take part in such frivolities as a carnival to raise awareness for this cause, nor do I intend to do the walk because if it's symbolic for 'sharing the pain' or something, then it's just ridiculous. If it isn't symbolic for that, then I don't even know. 

I still don't like the tagline, I don't like the base on which this campaign stands on: "It Gets Better". While it's heading in the right direction and is a relatively huge contribution to the cause, I still think that the whole thing is faulty at heart because of the people who orchestrated it. So, just, no. It's not something I believe in, and I paid the money, you know. You can compare what I'm doing to donating some money to a charity for orphans but not actually wanting to mingle with the orphans, but a) I'm not going to actually mingle with suicide victims and b) a lot of people involved in the project is just really shallow, so if that's supposed to be the reflection of what this project is about, then can you really blame me?

I've told a lot of people that I'm not doing it, I'm not walking, and on Friday (the day of tears and near-temper-tantrums) Azmina said that we actually have to walk. But you know what? If this were a school event that is directly correlative to my academic or co-curricular marks, then I'd be forced to do it, wouldn't I? Because as far as I'm concerned, it's not, and it's not under the jurisdiction of the school, nor is it under the jurisdiction of the Prefectorial Board to make me walk. It's like if they met me at some random ass carnival in the middle of nowhere and forced me to do stuff there. If it weren't for us opening up a booth or stall or whatever, we won't even be required to attend. So I'm giving you guys my energy, my time, my commitment (might I add) and my money as well, although that's more for the Mental Health Association.

And even if they do have the jurisdiction to make me walk, then I still absolutely do not support the event. I support the cause, not the event, check the difference because there is one and I've been so disappointed in everyone lately because it's like they don't even care. It's like they don't even have the guts or... that's not it, really, the want to challenge authority. And I just, I mean, okay, you don't want to, that's fine. I guess. I'm just kind of distressed over the whole thing. Khairina, Nisa and Damia don't care and Divyia doesn't want to 'risk it'.

You know, if I didn't want to do something, you'd be surprised at how nobody really can make me do it.

So, sorry if what I had initially said about SFS caused an accidental increase in world suck instead of doing what I had intended to be the opposite. I mean, if my not wanting to do something which everyone thinks I should just back down on and do anyway again causes the unintentional effect of increasing world suck, then I apologize, but I've thought it through a lot this time.

Until the next time I change my mind!

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