The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Not Just Today (But Always)

“There are actresses who build themselves, and then there are actresses who are built by others. I want to build myself”.
-Jennifer Lawrence

I am... not an actress. I laugh in the face of people who think I should be an actress. Actually, there probably isn't a person on the face of the planet who thinks that I should, they just say it, to fill the silence. But the point I was trying to get at here is that, that's a good quote, man. Replace 'actress' with 'people', and you've got the gist of this post.

Okay, so I don't actually have a clue how to proceed beyond that. I mean, I don't know how to start. Where is that invisible line that I'm not supposed to cross, where are my invisible boundaries, and how stupid are these questions, really, if said line and boundaries are invisible in the first place? I am veering off to cryptic territories and I hate that. I like to be as straightforward as I can. I also don't want to air out other people's dirty laundry. I don't mind airing mine out, so I guess that's where we start: with the truth, as seen through my eyes.

I had a disagreement with my father and actually, this is as far as I got before my mind sort of just blanks out again. But you know what? Soldier through, march on, born this way, all of that. Technically and mathematically speaking, my parents and I aren't separated by one generation, we're separated by two, which should and does present even more of a problem than your average parent-child relationship. Looking at my mother and her mother, it's no surprise that, as we travel down the family tree, they get more and more liberal. I would consider my mother pretty smashin' liberal, as opposed to conservative, when compared with most of the people in this country. And then there's me, right?

So I weighed my options. I know people who run away from home or got so emotionally harassed that they had to, because of these sorts of disagreements. And, you know, this is just the beginning. We're barely scratching the surface of what I do and do not believe in and what I intend to do with my future. We're only at the base of the pyramid, miles away from the pinnacle, in which the only thing we're discussing is my view on the people of this country. I've said it and thought it a lot of times, I am not going to limit myself to these people. As much as I'm proud of what we've achieved, I'm not going to lump myself in the category of "Malaysian"  and "Malay" and stop at that, because I'm more than that. I've other things to do and see, other places, other people, and to limit myself now at this age, in this day and age? Irresponsible. Thus a disagreement was born with my parents who, well, we don't need to go into this. We really don't.

I could just stop talking to my dad, give him the cold shoulder, be a child, or I could let it be. Not let it slide, not forgive and forget just yet, but just let it be there, suspended in time and space, so I can look back upon it and think about it. Because, well, there's going to be a shitload of people who aren't going to agree with me and that's all right, I'm not going to change my mind. I'm working on molding better thought processes for myself, sure, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to start from scratch. I understand the need to conserve and preserve every last bit of the traditionalist society that once took root in this country, because, well, it's an unquestionable lifestyle based solely on the teachings of the religion. And I hate saying a "but" to this, I really do. But.

I can't sit and have people tell me what's right and what's wrong. I did that once, I went stir-crazy. I don't ever want to pin any of this upon my discovering certain content on the Internet or making certain friends through it, because I never want to blame anyone but myself if I end up making the wrong decisions. Spoon-fed knowledge, to me, doesn't seem like a valid form of knowledge. And you can question or disagree with what I have to say, with what I think, with the way I think or view the world, and you can toss the word "not valid" in my face a thousand and one times, but I'm going to do this by myself. Thanks for raising me and thanks for providing me with everything I could have needed, and letting go and realizing that you've created a fully-realized human being sounds scary and all. It might even seem like you've created a monster and all right. But you really think I'm the one you should be worrying about?

That's right. I'm not. And I'm not even the one you're worrying about, at any rate. I'm not diverting topics, I'm stating facts. And regretfully, I'm going to be doing that for a while yet. I could end up being on the cover of the newspaper crying outlandish remarks or being the hot shit of the day with the insiders that the government's trying to cover up. I could just be that crazy old blogger until the end of my days. Either way, I will end up being heard. I will never stop being outspoken. I will claw and tear and whine and complain and, that's right, cry a path for myself because nobody else is going to do it for me. And if someone else is doing it for me, then that makes me a puppet and no better than any of those politicians standing in the line of fire. I, unlike you, am not afraid to do this thing properly. I, unlike you, go big or go home. I, unlike you, am not actually committing the act so much as thinking it, but I'm going to fight regardless.

You want it more than I do because your life is on the line, not mine. You need it more than I do because your future is on the line, while I'm content to be miserable all my life as long as I'm heard. I'm not doing this for you and I never will. If you want something, go get it yourself. But I will do this, though, because I sincerely want to.

In Form 1, I lived life and I lacked the passion for anything concrete or grounded in reality. Now I'm in Form 4, and I'm going to graduate high school and move on and I'm going to do this, properly. Not play house, I'm going to fight.

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