The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Heart Problems

Saturday, I woke up hating a lot of things. See, these things just don't last, do they? First off, I think the bad part of the morning was mostly and solely focused on the fact that I had to go to school on a Saturday, motherfucking hell. The next part of it is that I've been overthinking a lot of things which led to me crying which led to me feeling sad about caring in the first place which led me to feeling lonely because I am so needy and desperate that it really would do nobody any favors to share my problems with people which led me to feeling depressed because, really, snooze, bore, bring in the next teenager with heart problems. I don't think I talked to anyone beyond necessary that morning and then Hanna was sort of all over Xueh Wei, which I get now, I guess. I mean, I would be all over Elia if something... you know what, I'm too tired to make up comparisons right now. Or metaphors. Or... whatever. And Violet said that Hanna and Xueh Wei were like Amira and Anati and I was feeling so lonely that I just sort of cried for the next... well, until after I rung the first bell of the day.

And then there was this thing at the Gallery, which I didn't get. Nadiah didn't come. Nisa didn't. Meetra didn't, which is of no normal consequence to me, but that meant I sat with Divyia for the rest of the day. We did revisions for Chemistry, and History, and Physics and Add Math, and with God's will and a ton of elbow grease, I'll be all ready and set for the tests on Tuesday. Probably not. But as ready as I'll ever be. Not much to say, so I'm thinking of things to talk about to elongate this post...

Oh, right. Hanna. So, anyways, I was wondering why I'm even friends with her, other than the fact that she's really okay and fine when it's just the two of us. I mean, I don't know which is the real her, the one when she's around me, when she's around other friends, when she's around other people, or when she's around boys (although, it's probably highly unlikely to be the last one). It's a little confusing at times, and has been a huge source of thought for me for the past... two days or so, give or take, and I'm getting very annoyed at even having to think about these things because in the grand scheme of things, it does feel a little bit like a betrayal.

It's just that it's so annoying. I understand perspective and all but what I don't understand is how I can be friends with someone who a) thinks One Direction is a good band (musically), b) takes things like Tumblr Followers seriously, and c) interacts with said Tumblr Followers and just practically runs her Tumblr in the manner that she does. Food for thought? Actually, you know what, you can figure this out for me. I am going to relax, chill, forget about it, remember that I have friends outside of school who are awesome and not fake and not a source of worry (other than Helena) and grounded in reality. And when you've figured it out, just drop me a line at my e-mail or something. I am highly looking forward to it!

I think that's it. I went home and fucking slept even though I had tons of crap to study. Thus began my anxiety attack when I woke up at eleven and everything in me refused to cooperate and begged to go back to sleep, so I relented. I tried planning my Sunday study schedule around 8 (because I am that crazy, yes). So I'll maybe make a post about my Sunday. Maybe about 8. We'll see. Sorry this was short by my standards.

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