The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Antithesis

There were a lot of useless things that happened on Thursday. Nisa came, for one thing. For Wednesday and Thursday, we had a free period for BM in which we did nothing. I understand people wanting to complete their homework and all but I honestly can't with homework at school. It's a complete waste of time while you could be wasting your time. I don't understand it at all. It's okay to procrastinate, it's okay to want to do stuff at the last minute possible, it's okay to just not do it at all. I mean, we are past the development stages of our lives. We know what responsibility is. We know what's right and wrong (although apparently, my Civics marks would say otherwise). So it doesn't hurt, at this stage, to want to not do what we know is right just because. We need no excuses to procrastinate!

The rest of the day sucked pretty bad as well. I don't understand even a single one of our Islamic Studies classes. I guess compared to the teacher for 4SM/J, ours is pretty well and good and all but she doesn't make any sense. She thinks we're very smart, and thus she presents to us a topic and basically snowballs her way through the slideshow because she (very correctly) assumes we won't care and just study before the exams anyway. I mean, rock on and all, and I highly appreciate this fresh new approach to teaching, but I wish I could just doze off. You win some, you lose some, I guess.

I am wasting my time when I could just as well be wasting my time on other, more important things. This is boring. School is boring. The people around me are boring. Overall, this was one of the worst weeks thus far. In the morning, everyone at that table annoys me. I know it's unfair to say that I feel invisible around them when I don't even make the effort to start a conversation but who cares? I shouldn't even care about this because I like different things than they do and it shouldn't bother me so much because that's who I am. I want to talk about things people don't want to talk about. I can't change that, I can't change people. I am at a stalemate. I barely talked to Hanna this week because more and more, I realize that she's one of them and while she puts on this... persona of being better than them, she doesn't act on it, not really. I mean, I would never say any of this to her face because I know how rude and callous she'd be if I did. So I guess here you go. I'm turning into one of them, too. Afraid and too much of a pussy to tell one of my closest friends that she is... she pretty much sucks. I hope you don't read this, Hanna. If it's, you know, any consolation.

I am annoyed at Violet, who talks at a million miles per hour and then has the gall to tell people to "chill, man, chill" (which is actually a lovely catchphrase). I get that these people are busy and other people are sort of putting them on a pedestal just because they have something going on in their lives. Look, I don't care what the real situation is, I'm just telling it like I see it because all week, I've seen people sort of stare at Violet in awe and it irks me to no end because if you want to be like her, then by all means. If you want to idolize her or the version of herself that she's trying to get out there, then sure, okay. But don't make it some sort of standard that everyone has to follow and look up to because not everyone wants to be a smart, active, Head-Girl A-type character. Also, I am annoyed at everyone for being so down on themselves, which is a tiny bit hypocritical because I've been down the whole week but not down on myself!

No. I love myself. I love telling people I love myself and I will continue to love myself until I make a huge mistake that will alter the course of my life. I mean, other than me height, there's pretty much nothing to complain about other than a few minor things which are personal to me and which, I believe, is my own responsibility to sort out and is also 'none of your business'. You'd think that in the wake of this Sirens for Silhouettes thing, there'd be more people running around proclaiming that 'it gets better' or 'you'll get prettier' or 'you'll get smarter' or 'you're going to become a more useful human being in the future' but so far, no luck on that front. People are just so sad nowadays. I guess it's the aftermath of the first test of the year, and those who are dissatisfied are sad and those who are satisfied are gloomily waiting for a time when it gets harder for them and they might not be satisfied with their next set of results. Vicious cycle, much?

On the topic of people who are satisfied with their marks until they jump up and down (which we lightly touched upon up there), I found out my position in class and then proceeded to jump up and down. I have nothing more to say on the subject because I am one of those people who are satisfied and are gloomily waiting for a time when it gets harder for them and they might not be satisfied with their next set of results.

Guys. It gets worse.

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