The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, March 9, 2012

and i'm ready to suffer and i'm ready to hope

expanding on what i wrote on psychotic justice

1. i have read comments upon comments and unfortunately, the problem does not exist at the surface, i have to dig deeper than that. i know that hubungan sejenis melanggar fitrah manusia. i know the in the case of islam, freedom means freedom from hawa nafsu dan pengaruh syaitan. i agree. i agree that the idea that to "become a developed nation, we have to allow anal sex" is-, when you put it into those words (which aren't my words, by the way, cited from somewhere i can't remember), i faham. i am a muslim too. i belajar agama just like all of you guys and i faham what i learned and satu hari nanti i berhasrat untuk mempraktikannya. but. i know that it is against freedom as a word, just that one word, to deny people the right to anything, and especially to deny people whom they can or cannot love. and the issue here is that they place too much stress on the act sex, which is the mistake negara lain buat juga but learn from history la. one step at a time. it should't first and foremost be about sex because the fight for equality has never been about that. nobody ever spoke up 'we fight for our rights to have sex'

2. tapi malangnya, in this country, sodomy is against the law tapi don't they realize that behind closed doors people are breaking every single hukum imaginable. so to even start the fight for equality (which will come, which must come) we have to first mansuhkan this law. and that in itself mungkin akan mengambil about oh i don't know fifty years or so. i know that never in my lifetime i'll ever be able to see the change that i want, but what can ya do.

3. i am in the unfortunate position of not being on the fence but not being completely on a side. i know berdosa. i know masuk neraka. i know that at my tahap right now, i probably dah dilaknat oleh my God. but come on, you tell me what to do? if someone would just understand the situation in its entirety and then come to a conclusion and just dictate my life from here on out, dipersilakan.

4. expanding on what i was saying about barbarism. i know that ramai orang masih menganggap bahawa negara kita ini mengamalkan budaya timur. they shun and menghina the so-called budaya barat. so us, as the future leaders of the country, have to mengamalkan budaya timur secara menyeluruh and well that's what they expect anyways. here's the thing, di sebalik tabir, budaya timur barely BARELY exists anymore. bukannya nak kata golongan yang alim dan unggul dari segi agama dah extinct, but peratusan mereka compared to the so-called 'sesat' people? sangat, sangat sikit. so it's a bit annoying, a bit hypocritical, that i'm expected to ikut this so-called budaya timur that doesn't exist anymore. kalau you tengok pun, orang yang pakai tudung pun make out in public and tak malu nak berdua-duaan with their significant others, which, let's all admit, haram kan? there is no budaya barat or timur, just the assumptions that these things exist and bahaya, yes, and dah dekat nak kiamat, yes, but this whole thing just menyukarkan keadaan. i don't know what to do. please dictate my life.

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