The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Wrap Up: Friendship Week

So ends Friendship Week. You know, Monday was a really bad day for me, so maybe it's because of that that I sort of expected something profound to happen in the span of this week, but nothing much did. I won't deny that it was a busy week, but nevertheless, I feel no different than I had last Sunday, or if we're going deeper, the Sunday before that either.

Nothing's different, nothing's changed. And nothing will continue to change, because I think that where we currently stand, we're each quite happy with the way we fit into our own skins. I know I am. I know I have no inclinations to properly integrate myself with another group other than the one that I'm comfortable with right now. I know that no matter how many times we piss each other off, Nisa will still be my friend, however loosely you want to use that term. I know that Hanna and I are content and we have no plans to change the way things are going. If she leaves, she leaves. If Nisa leaves, she leaves. If I leave, then hell would have frozen over, but these things happen, and I'll make it out on the other side, still alive. Like Hanna said today, it's only another year and eight months left until we all leave.

I have no inclinations to fix what's wrong and to undo what I've done. To get rid of feelings I still have or to gather up feelings that I don't have. I think going with the flow, in Form 4, isn't the safest route you could take, but it's an option. To sit at the helm and take the reigns, to control your destiny and clutch it in the fist of your hands, so absolute, is impossible, at least at this stage. It's come and go and making the best out of what you've got. I've got crappy teachers, then bring it, work harder, just do something. I feel bad, and sad and all around guilty, when I hear people talk about taking extra classes outside of school (I've since refused to use the term "tuition") because I don't and on some level, I want to. Maybe just to fit in or something. But I know that if that's the only reason I want to take it, then it's not much of a reason. It's not a valid one at all. 

I do already fit in, in my own weird way. I may not know all the inside jokes there is to know, I might not be able to talk to some people as fluently as I would have liked, I may feel like the biggest asshole and the hugest fifth wheel ever sometimes, but I make do. I'm okay with sitting at the sidelines watching. I'm okay with being by myself. That's not something that a lot of people can say. I am in no certain terms "emo" or a loner, I just am. And there's some things I can't change, and some things I don't want to change.

So regardless of any feelings I have towards people, or non-feelings, life still rolls on, doesn't it? If you asked me what I'd be doing at this time next year, for Friendship Week next year, I would say that I have no clue. The night's still young, the year's still starting out. And I haven't gotten into any verbal altercations as of yet, but that's definitely not to say that my time's not coming, that anyone's time is not coming.

Because sooner or later, time's going to be up.

No comments:

Post a Comment