The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

We Could Leave (This Town)

I can't remember what happened on Saturday. It was probably something, though. I think maybe I saw Hanna that day, because I feel like I saw her, but I probably didn't. We had the annual PTA meeting at school, which neither I nor my parents attended. So I assumed there was a reason for my non-attendance, but nothing actually springs to mind. I would probably have jumped at the chance to volunteer to duty for the day, because I am inherently built to volunteer, but something must have been in my way, but I honestly can't remember what. I probably studied a bit and sulked around the house a lot. Maybe I woke up at one. Maybe earlier. Maybe I went out? This is a nice game of maybes and all, but I'd much rather move on to a concrete memory, which is Sunday.

On Sunday, I got my Dad to teach me some Physics and I finally understood like everything. There's still a few things I need to work on, like small little inconsequential memorization stuff, but at least I got the basics down. Like, my Dad can be a little... well, it gets grating sometimes, but there is no denying that he's an ace teacher, better than most of my teachers put together, if he remembers what he's talking about. So there really isn't an excuse for me to get Physics or Chemistry tuition, and with my mother and all, there's really no excuse to get Bio tuition, so that's a hell of a lot of money saved. I want to get all of the information I'm learning down pat so that one day, I'll be able to teach my children too and my partner and I don't have to waste money on tuition for them because tuition really is quite useless unless it's one-on-one (and even then it could go sour). But I'm straying from the path I've set, and really, I'm speaking from personal experience for the most part, and others might have success at tuition centers, I couldn't care less. Back to Sunday.

Hanna had wanted me to come over and teach her some Physics and Chemistry, and we covered the basics within the first hour she was there, so after that we just lolled around my sister's bedroom with them cats. I have a feeling that Smokey is autistic, whatever form of autism exists in cats, because he doesn't seem to actually recognize people. I think he thinks we're just objects that move to feed him and occasionally scratch his chin and belly. Caesar realizes we're human, but he's a cold one, and it took me weeks to finally hear him purr.

As per usual when Hanna and I get together, we talk. We talk about what people might term "deep" stuff like the future, mostly, and what we hate about society and people, more in a general and abstract sense from what I talk to Nisa about (we mock people, is basically what I talk to her about). It really puts these two friendships on different planes, because I feel really adult when I'm talking to Hanna (and no gutter minds, please) whereas when I'm with Nisa, I feel like she has regressed me to a five year old. After talking, I have come to the conclusion that I shared with this here blog on March first.
about a week ago or something, i realized something. i was coming home from school at 6 (almost daily) and at school, i see some of my other friends like sau mun or violet who seem so busy with all their extra curriculars and yet they manage to still maintain in their studies and then there’s me who’s barely involved in anything and yet i still find time to complain about not having enough time. so i was unhappy with everything going on, the fact that the teachers we have this year suck, the fact that i go to school and waste 6 hours of my life, the fact that the education system in this country sucks, the fact that i am neither sociable, good at sports, or lately all that particularly great in academics, and i had a sort of breakdown.

in form 1, i told myself that i hope the day never comes in which i separate my happiness from my academic success, but the day came and went in form 2 (maybe 3) and now i realized that i’m not violet or sau mun. i’m not friendly, i’m rude and cold and introverted. i’m not sporty, i can’t run or do long jumps or have great stamina or am flexible. i’m not even that smart anymore compared to other people, because i am such a lazy person and i don’t see the point in studying anymore, and i certainly am not involved in a hell of a lot of extra curriculars. but i realized that that’s okay. because i’m not them, i’m just me. and i hate any sort of competitive sports or team sports. i don’t like people invading my space and personal bubble. i like learning but i hate rote learning and i can’t do maths under pressure. and as for extra curriculars, all of the above basically equals to a very short list of involvement in extra curricular activities.

it’s not that i don’t care anymore, it’s that i would rather be happy. and i am right now, even though there’s an exam in 5 days. in form 1, i was still under the impression that i had to fit in that mold, that good at everything mold - sports, academics, social, etc. i was friendlier in form 1, volunteered for a lot of things, introduced myself to everyone, became a prefect because i thought i was expected to do it. and really what the fuck. i did a lot of things because i thought that was what people expected of me, but now i don’t give a fuck anymore. because for the past year, in form 3, i did things my way. so what if i lost a lot of friends, so what if i dropped in my studies, so what if i suck compared to all of these people who fit the ‘mold’, i became head of spotcheck last year because i was me. not because i was someone that i thought i was expected to be.

so i am nervous for the exams, sure, but if i suck at this, it doesn’t matter, because i still have the things that i enjoy doing, and i’ll figure out which area i can improve upon, and honestly this is the worst plan, but when the time comes for me to worry about college and uni, then i’ll worry about it. i don’t want to be unhappy all my high school life just so i can get a scholarship and then be unhappy in uni and proceed to be unhappy in my working life.

i don’t want any kind of competition now, because when i compete and i lose, i become unhappy. i just want to do things my way, and if the teachers and last year’s top 3 in prefects board saw something in me that they elected me as a head then all the better because that just means that being me works for me. i don’t care if i lose the title of ‘oh, hfzh, she’s the smart one’ because i haven’t really deserved that title for the past 2 years anyways.
So I guess that that is all out in the open now. Let me stress: I do care. But I've just realized that who I'm meant to be, who I want to be, is not equivalent to who everyone else expects me to be. I know that it's not something that's only strictly attributed to Asians (although the stereotype does exist), but it does feel like there's this unnecessary pressure that's especially prevalent in the society that I live in, here in Malaysia, to be this well-rounded individual. And they stress upon this so much that sometimes I think what they forget to take into consideration on the journey to create the perfect and holistic student is the students themselves, and the fact that these students have whims and desires completely different from each other and that you can't make a formula, stick a label on it and call it quality education and expect it to work with every single individual. Um. So that became a rant pretty quickly. But I'm not ranting against anything in particular here. I'm not blaming the so-called institution, the government, or "The Man", I'm just simply stating that I've come to a place in my life that I have set priorities for myself by myself and I'm hoping that whatever effort I choose to put forth from this point on will reflect the person that I want to be, and not... well, I'll just leave it at that.

Hanna and I wondered whether certain people who has conform as conformed as a conformist can conform to the "mold" are actually happy and we were wrong to make assumptions, of course, although we did, because there are more than one answer to this, more than standard and typical A, B and C options. A) They're unhappy. B) They realize perfectly well that they are conforming to a ready-made mold and they are happy with it because their happiness is a hundred percent reliant on their success. C) They're happy because they have been conditioned from the very start that this is the one and true and righteous path to trump other so-called one and true and righteous paths and they really don't know what life is outside of this.

After, Hanna and I headed downstairs. My appetite has been increasing lately, praise God, and I not only had a total of 4 Pop Tarts that morning (In Which I Almost Puked My Guts Out), I also got my maid to cook us a bunch of sausages that Hanna had a few off and I practically polished the plate clean. While we ate and I read a little bit of fanfiction here and there, I kicked up the old sound system downstairs and we played One Direction's Up All Night album (my copy of it). Mostly to appease Hanna but somewhat because I felt bad for owning a CD and not having listened to it three weeks or so after purchase. It felt like bad ownership etiquette.

She went home soon after, and I busied myself with homework. Ah homework. The bane of my school life. Anyways, the day ended on a whatever-note because I just can't remember what happened.

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