The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Sledgehammer

I've been studying as much as time permits (which is not much, let me tell you) but I still have a nagging feeling at the back of my thoughts that whatever effort I'm putting in today will be completely wasted and I'll end up not caring at all and maybe my worst nightmare will come true in which I disappoint myself but disappoint myself how, really? I'm trying as hard as I can in mostly everything and insufficient as all of my efforts may be, let it not be said that I didn't at least try. I don't really want to end up remembering high school as that time in which all I did was worry (about high school) but it's looking pretty bleak right now.

I know that most Form 4s probably go through this sort of disillusionment but I couldn't care less. I am in no position to be putting myself in other peoples' shoes - we're all pretty darn different and face night and day different tasks and challenges daily so totally unfair, really. For the moment, I couldn't care less. I'm having a problem, let me have a problem. I guess what I'm saying is that in the grand scheme of things, life's just... too short? And I don't think that doing well in school should be a number one priority at all? I know, it's a bad outlook on life and I am not exactly going to coast by on my brains or ideas or personality or whatever, because I am falling behind in each of those categories (getting worse by the year), but it's just how I feel. It shouldn't. This shouldn't be our lives. Not when there are more important things going on out there. And we're supposed to lead the world with the knowledge we have and what good is knowledge, really, if the application is not pressed upon? If we think with the mind of a scholar, of an academic, but not of a Great Thinker or an Influential Person? It's good to be good at school but... that's not all there is to it and people don't, well, they never seem to acknowledge that. Straight As for SPM is, as far as I can tell, the end all, be all of one's high school career. That and nice and pretty extra curricular activities. That's all there is to it. To get a certificate and to ensure that it's pretty.

I don't really want to worry about this, but I am just one of those freaks of nature that can't stop worrying. I'm not saying I ever actually do anything to quell the worry. I just... I'm just a naturally anxious person and none of this is helping in the slightest. I guess I've improved over the years, worried less, and it's not much of a progress but it's a form of progress nonetheless. So I'll take that over nothing I guess.

Monday started off like normal only because I was so busy attempting to keep the students quiet, I forgot to ring the bell. I was happy earlier on in the day, because hello, Struck By Lightning, but then one thing led to another and my whole mood was blown for the rest of the day. Classes were normal, I guess. I mostly just slumped around because I was tired and Nisa wasn't around to force me to talk to her (laugh with her, more like). During Islamic Studies, I hung around Mas and Damia, and later on during BM, I sat with Zaza and Khairina. It was an odd sort of day, one that I don't much care to remember, really, but I'm mostly glad for what I've got.

I don't know, I guess everyone's just stressed out lately and I understand really, it's harder for some people than for others. I don't know how those flawless people do it, those whose reputation never fall below expectations, but I'm just tired of it, to be honest. All my life, you tell me I'm smart, poisoned me into believing it to be so, and now that I've believed, now that I've been programmed to know nothing else, everything's just a gigantic failure in my eyes. I only somewhat care about what people say, but what I think of myself is my number one worry. And I know, I know; fuck this crazy smart bitch for complaining about being smart like she actually has something to complain about.

Fuck that. Fuck you.

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