The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Present Continuous

It's an introspective week full of tears and fears and... thinking. So excuse me if everything starts becoming repetitive. What do you expect, really, when life's just so monotonous? Tuesday, Big Shot Important Guy came to our school (henceforth known as BSIG) and us Form 4s, the sad losers that we are, fresh out of PMR but not nearly near enough to SPM to be given a crap for, were forced to stayback until 4 for the Big Event. And it was a disheartening day, sad at the start, but then it just gets sadder, really.

There are the small little things that make me smile. Like how I actually like my relief class. They're nice, they listen if I pester them hard enough and to be quite honest, the class next door seems like a nightmare compared to mine. I was wary at first because of the existence of Favorite Junior, but she's not really all that annoying. Heck, she's hardly there and she's the kind of annoying that showcases their annoyingness behind your back instead of straight off the bat, so in small doses (and half an hour each morning is definitely a small dose), I can so handle that. The rest of the students in the class are adequate and there are a few whom I can actually somewhat talk to, as much as it is possible for me to talk to people I don't really know.

BSIG was slated to arrive at ten to two or something. People from other schools were supposed to come, and later on, I am going to philosophize about this a little bit, but for right now, the general gist of the day: it started off with arrangement of shit. I am not surprised at how much I don't care any more when people ask me to do something. I just feel a sense of neutrality that might be my downfall one day but for right now, like, who cares? I've spent three years at that school working tooth and nail behind the scenes and handling people and all for nothing so really, when a simple task such as run around the school to find a stand for a poster thingy that doesn't even apparently exist or something comes up, it's no sweat. No worries. Nothing to even think twice about before I say, "Sure." The other schools came and it was a mess and a confusion and my lack of apathy is astounding, really, I should bottle it and sell it to people with anxiety. If only I can manage to filter my anxiety out and then I'll just be a complete shell of not-caring and maybe then I'll be happy? Or I wouldn't care.

Either way, it seems far more appealing than the position I am currently in. But moving on: after breakfast, there was a forum of some sorts in which guest speakers from separate religions came up to the podium to talk. I wasn't paying attention and neither were anyone else, really, but I guess there was this one point in which the speaker-of-the-moment started talking about sexuality and there were some claps and whoops scattered around the hall. Like, seriously, time and place, guys. Speaking of guys. I have decided that I miss being in a co-ed school, if only because guys are really nice and I prefer them (as friends) over girls. However, there was this group of guys that I semi-knew who got on my fucking nerves. They asked me where the bathroom was and since it was a long way off, I had to lead them there and on the way, they kept, well, for lack of better words, mocking me and making fun of me for being a prefect, and okay, guys, nice. I was only trying to show you to the toilet. It's been a while since I've been graced with the company of male idiots. I get female ones everyday so it's not actually that big a deal. Only difference is genitalia, after all.

So, to rephrase that: I wish I was in a co-ed school, but I could choose which guys get to enroll. And girls as well. Actually, I just want to be principal. Actually, no, I want to become the government and then I'll wipe out the entire education system and start from scratch. I know what you're going to say, it's harder done than said. Who cares? It's perfectly healthy to have goals and dreams and wishes. Anyways, we had lunch after the forum, and I guess I had time to eat and stuff, which can't be said for some other prefects. I saw tons of familiar faces (will get back to this) and talked to some unfamiliar faces but mostly stuck around to myself and people I knew from Sri Aman. I am of the belief that people from other schools could give you diseases?

Um, have we reached the end? Of course not. So afterwards was when BSIG came and by that point, I was seated next to Nisa, near Damia and Meetra and all. It's mostly because I am tired of being a prefect sometimes, and the fact that people expect me to be one 24/7 is ludicrous and may I also add stupid because teenagers are two, three, four, five people at the same time and just screw you and your expectations if you think I can manage being a prefect all the time. I did not clap, I did not smile, but as a progress from the Aedes thing, I did not sleep either. It was mostly just staring into space interspersed with talking. Watching peoples' faces on the big screen thingy also occupied the majority of my time. When the event was officially over (no idea what any of those people talked about) and BSIG went to the tents to have tea, we were officially released for the day, like cattle being let out from their pen. There was that whole thing with that reporter guy and I would like to issue a sincere apology on behalf of, oh, I don't know, SANE PEOPLE. I realized something that day, though, being surrounded by unfamiliars (a situation I haven't put myself in in a long time). I am so not immediately attracted to attractive people.

It's both a relief and a... actually, it's just a relief. A blessing. Something that makes me happy. As much as I have to suffer through whatever it is I mentally suffer from, at least I know that it doesn't take a nice face to reel me in. This makes me feel... secure somehow, on another level than that which I compare, um, certain things to (this makes sense to me because I know what those 'certain things' are, so excuse me for being cryptic). I guess for me to like someone, I just have to... get to know them first. And maybe hate them before that. Aren't learning processes the most interesting things ever?

Which brings me to this. A few people said hello to me throughout the day and honestly, I recognize them, some from my primary, some just from an off-chance, and I was kind of... actually, point blank, I was just rude and short with them. I blinked. Said hi, kind of stilted. Barely smiled... didn't smile at all, actually. Waved. Kind of waved. It was a busy day, and stressful, and every single minute of my day except for the time in which I sat with Nisa and a couple of minutes of sitting with Khairina was filled with doing something for this stupid event and really, people expect me to be happy? All my days are filled with resentment and anger towards an educational system that doesn't serve or benefit me, and this guy, this big shot with a title who works hard, I'm sure, for what he's got, just comes waltzing in, taking even more of my studying time - studying time for a semi-useless exam I don't even want to take but am forced to because it's mandatory - and I'm expected to... be happy? Running away from what I was previously saying, about people saying hi and me being an asshole, but whatever. Feelings have got to be let out and all of that.

I sort of feel kind of sad that I'm not intricately woven into the PJ scene. I don't know them at all, barely  talk to them and I bet that if given a chance, they won't like me anyways. The girls won't because I'm not like them (at all) and the guys won't because I'm not like the girls. I know that I shouldn't be bothered because I'm much closer to people from around about the KL area anyways, but this is closer to home, you know, and mostly everyone I know knows whoever needs to be known and I'm just like, "Okay, I know nobody here."

My... future is not in my past. I don't care if people who used to know me or whatever think that I'm a douche. Similarly, I don't care if anyone thinks that because one day, whatever I'm going through at present will be my past and my future is not in my past. Looking forward, I only see so little of the people I keep close to me right now making a guest appearance in my future. I don't care if I'm a bad person for not forming close bonds and I don't care if I use people and then let them go. Maybe I care a bit for that last one. But still. Being close to someone, we all saw how that turned out, both times, and now I'm tentative. Now I'm careful. Now, there are still days in which I just bulldoze through everything and hope for the best. The best never happens.

I can do it, I know. It's hard and I'll probably die of exhaustion, dehydration, madness, before I get there, but I can do it. I can be that girl again, it's so simple. You see a path and it's the straight and narrow and you should follow it because, well, I know that there's a golden ticket at the end of that road. A ticket out of here, maybe, or just to somewhere better. I don't want to get out of here. I can't leave here unless I know it's in good hands. I am insane. Certifiably insane.

I can do it. I can be that girl with the straight A+s. I can do it the only way I know how, by pushing, shoving everyone else aside, stepping on peoples' heads, by being ruthless. I don't want to. I'm not built to absorb information like this. I'm built to enjoy studying, to enjoy doing what I love doing best which is being better than I currently am, and none of this pressure is even a fraction of an incentive towards being who I'm built to be. I'm not leaning on a stereotype here, I'm not staving things off with an excuse of "oh, I just can't do it. I'm just not meant to do it." It's in part, that, that I really cannot do things the way I am currently doing things, and in part, it's the fact that I don't want to. Because why would I want to succeed if the only way to do it is to be ruthless? I can do it. I can try. I can stop using time and start making time. But I don't want to.

My future is not in my past. The people I used to know, I've said goodbye to a long time ago, and if by some unfortunate twist of fate this means Raihan and Afreena as well, then that's not really a big deal to me, as it is with Nisa. This year, I said I wanted to figure it out and I have. I know what I want and it's none of this. At all.

I am so, so, so sorry for all my my super crazy compound sentences, gosh.

No comments:

Post a Comment