The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Catch Me

The thing is, these kinds of things are expected. I don't know how or even why, really, but just like you apparently know, can feel it in the air and on your skin, when you're about to die, it's like that as well. This. To know that something bad is going to happen before it ever really happens, like animals can sense a stampede, an earthquake, a storm. That was Monday for me, but less dramatic than the picture I painted. Or at least, that's what I'd like to think. To be honest, drama's pretty commonplace in my life. I make it so, it does not make me.

So instead of talking about what happened on Monday (because I've done enough of that), let's talk about feelings. I've always hated the term "feelings are so gay" because it makes me want to laugh out loud but then people would ask me why I'm laughing and I have not much of an answer. I mean it's an answer, but it's not, I just haven't had time to think this through, all right? Lately, time's been hard to come by. So back to Monday. It surprises me, rereading through my old blog posts, how much happened, but looking back, it seems like nothing happened, because all of that was nothing compared to what I have to face these days. The challenges are as follows, and I hate myself for listing them out, but what can you do about it? No one's going to read this anyways (which are the final words of most bloggers, I presume):

1. I have to wake up in the morning and it is treacherous. Some people sort their shit out the day before. I choose to take a different approach. Different day, different shit, so I pack my bags in the morning. There are mornings when I simply don't want to wake up and I even pick up my phone sometimes to give off my excuses but most mornings, I am fine. I wake up and go through the motions and things are fine.

2. Mornings are also when I worry about most things, because aside from night time, it's the only time I have spared for thinking and being anxious, so I check my Worry Book like a madwoman and dream up worst case scenarios. All this (plus showering, praying, getting dressed, packing my bag, having breakfast and reading fanfiction) in the span of half an hour, take note. Bitches, this is how you do mornings.

3. Okay, I'm starting to boast now and that wasn't the point of this thing. So I go to school and the car ride is also a challenge because I have to stay awake. If I fall asleep, I will be cranky when I get to school. Because the journey only takes 4 minutes, give or take.

4. I have to step foot inside the school and alter my persona from Awesome Me to Dull, Lifeless, Rule-Abiding Prefect Me, who's not bad, per se, but I prefer the version of me who stays at home, does homework, cleans her room and reads fanfiction, even though on the Nerd Scale, there really isn't that much of a difference between the two.

5. I have to make conversation with people. They are all good friends with each other, and I am just a friend. I have Hanna. She is not a morning person and neither is Thivyaa. Logging in is not a challenge, but going by the sewers in the morning is.

6. I have to make a decision whether I'm going to talk to certain people or not. I have to do it with half a mind, because the other half's still trying to decipher dreams or is still stuck at home dreaming up worst case scenarios or something, so that sucks. Usually I make mistakes in the morning, regarding who and who not to talk to. But it's such a common mistake, it's like one of those sins now. An unerasable black spot, a sin committed so thoroughly that it no longer resembles a sin.

7. (I actually like morning duty, because my relief class is ace and I ring the bell flawlessly.) I have to talk to Nisa in class, which is a moot point if she doesn't come to school (because that is what one would call talking to air) but if she does, it gets hard for me, to forgive or forget or whatever it is these humans do, because of Monday. Everything, because of Monday.

8. Recess duty at the labs is not cruel and unusual punishment. It is punishment, plain and simple, and I know this is the glass is half empty point of view, but when you're stuck under the rays of the scorching Sun and have to listen to Form 1 or 3 classes learning their Form 1 or three syllabuses, the water in the glass evaporates completely, leaving the glass not half full nor empty, but simply empty. I wish I had the reprieve of bell ringing. (But ringing in the morning is also all right.)

9. During this time, I worry about a bunch of other things. Mainly: I suck, I am not good enough, I am going to fail spectacularly, I am a bad prefect, I am a bad Head of Spotcheck, I do not compare to people like Sau Mun or Violet, I am a bad person, so on, so forth, ad nauseum. Puke. (I have counters for these, which I tell myself in the shower sometimes: I am awesome, I am not only good enough I am also the best, I am going to fail but others are going to fail worse, I am a relatively good prefect, I am doing the best as I can as Head of Spotcheck, I am (not technically, but objectively) smarter than Violet and Sau Mun, I am a good person at heart, so on, so forth; they don't work often. They work occasionally, though.)

10. And I think about people again. I think about people a lot. Try going to school and having to face your worst nightmare, try going to school and having to face your past (which is my worst nightmare, by the way). It is not fun. I do not need a reminder of how stupid I was, I know that.

11. Feeling like a fourth wheel, maybe fifth wheel, or maybe sometimes just like that kid who nobody ever wants in their group so they push her aside like a rag doll.

12. Knowing that even after the final bell rings and some assholes skip their dues and go home, you are still staying back.

13. Knowing that after the staying back period, there will be homework.

14. Knowing that there is no way in hell your mother's going to be picking you up early.

I was okay with a lot of things, most of it. I was okay with it because I've gotten used to it. It's no skin off my back, not anymore, and I am totally fine with living this kind of sad life, as you so call it. I can be pathetic. I can be pitiful. You can pity me and feel sorry for me and talk about me all you want. But why bring it up? And why not bring it up in the first place, when things were just barely there ideas in the back of your mind?

I'll never get over it. It's sad because they've all moved on, but what can I do? I'll just stay and wallow in the past and listen to sad songs. It's fine because I'm used to it. Any objections to this sort of lifestyle?

Nisa?

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