The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Blind Man's Bluff

Wednesday was a very weird day for me. I can't remember what happened in the morning, I guess because Hanna was absent and I was just kind of floating around there. It was a bad day. During BM, we sort of discussed an essay, but only just because I guess the teacher's okay and all, but half the time, BM is Godawful. Like, what is that class even? Most of my classes are like this, actually. I get that we don't actually pay for the teachers but this is just on the other side of ridiculous.

Biology sucked. Here's a reminder to crazy ass teachers: keep a note of what the fuck you're doing. Like, seriously, start a lesson knowing what's about to go down, knowing where you left off with the class, knowing what the fuck you're about to do because I find it unfair how much certain teachers stress upon how we should be ready, ready, ready, books on the table and ready before a lesson, and yet some teachers just flump into class and have no fucking idea what their lesson plan for the day is. Take Biology, for example. We're expected to know everything that teacher's showing us on the screen, even though she doesn't actually teach us nor does she particularly like it when we ask her questions, and yet she doesn't know where we last left off in the last lesson, doesn't know what we've covered or not, doesn't know what experiments we've done. Don't talk to me about having several classes going on at once. Students do too. And don't talk to me about responsibility when you're not showing even an ounce of it. You want us to be organized? To be prepared before a lesson? To be responsible? Then be it first, teacher.

So, um, I cried during English. It was a hell of a lot of crap, from the fact that I went in that morning and my chair was missing from the classroom because it was still in the hall, to the entire Bio class, to going in for English and discovering that I didn't have a place to sit, again. I had to go out to replace Hanna that day and honestly, I am glad that I duty at the labs now, even though that place is probably the equivalent of the middle of nowhere. At least there's a constant stream of people. At least there's stuff going on around you that you can look at. And other than the occasional "kancing" and "roll down your sleeves", there is like minimal contact with actual people. Plus now that there's the new 'no talking to anyone during duty' rule, being at the labs and saying the occasional 'hi' to people who pass by sounds more appealing than staring at nothing during duty at the class. It puts things into perspective. A very boring perspective.

The rest of the day passed by with extreme mediocrity. Add Maths, followed by Civics, followed by Math in which we did nothing. Perhaps we went to the library but I can't really remember. Our Math teacher's had surgery or something, I can't be sure, and we haven't seen her this week at all. I don't really think it's anyone's lost, since our Math classes are basically copying whatever's on the board and attempting to do the exercises ourselves. If we can manage. If we can't then we'll have to wonder around the classroom to find someone who can. Teacher just sits in front.

Nisa and I were feeling restless so we went out that evening. We had an early dinner, got back home by nine or something and I guess we talked. We talked more than we usually do. Nisa needs a hell of a lot of poking and prodding before she'll admit to things, and I'm basically just very happy to talk (and poke and prod). So, talking got me to thinking about a few things. Not that that's noteworthy or anything. Basically all I do with my life is think. Is there a verifiable occupation for that? 

I guess for right now, I am okay with things. I mean, I wasn't okay on Wednesday, but today's Saturday and by now I've worked through most of the kinks, the plot holes I had on Wednesday, and I've come to a certain peaceful standstill that will probably be ruined on Monday, but that's life. Rocky and shaky and ensures you never quite stay in the same place. I am okay with Darwin, who's gone now anyways. I am okay with Helena, who doesn't bother me as much as she used to. I am okay with Maze. Like, really. And for this week, I am okay with everything else.

It'll change because it doesn't last. I know that the righteous path has and always will be to quit. But it's hard, and it gets harder by the day. There are certain promises to myself that I've never managed to keep, even if I keep on convincing myself each and every day that it's for the best. For right now, though, I'm okay.

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