The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, February 13, 2012

A Fuse So Thoroughly Shot

Hello, so today is a Thursday and it's been so long since I've last posted (or at least that's what it feels like for me), so long that I had initially spelt that as "Hellow". This week, which is Friendship Week, has been the most stressful week of the year so far (and it's only February) and it's not even Friday yet. I've got big plans for Friday, super big plans that I hope don't fall through, so fingers crossed that everything will go smoothly (even though it probably won't!). I do pride myself at having only cried two times! I expect a standing ovation for that, really.

Monday was the worst, maybe. I'm not sure, actually. The events of Sunday left me drained and not up to facing the world. I woke up and it was terror on my bones, aching and screaming with every step I take. Still sore from Road Run and all the activities done prior to that. We had Assembly that day, too, and plus, I had the threat of two very important things I was supposed to do the previous week but had never gotten around to it looming over the horizon. It was a dark and cloudy day, emotionally, and of course that was the day when they had the commencement of Friendship Week.

In the morning I cried, perhaps, so maybe that's three, but it was barely-there tears. I've become accustomed to that feeling in the bottom of my stomach on mornings and I have ways to distract myself from it but just for that morning, it was bad. Worse, at any rate, and Assembly was thankfully short and nothing special, so even though I felt like shit the whole way through, it didn't stretch on longer than was hellishly necessary. We had History, followed by Chemistry, and of course my memory doesn't really extend to lessons and classes I had, which is a crying shame, but I've yet to cry about it.

Basically, it was just a busy and confusing morning, with mixed information from a lot of people, so because of the fact that I had so many things to think about and keep track of, I hardly talked to anyone, which suited me just fine, thank you very much. After recess was a bunch of other subjects, and then I had to run all the way to the other side of the school for Some Thing and then I had to run around a few more times until I finally settled at the Serambi with Damia, Nisa and some other people for the YE Friendship Week sales thing. We're selling bookmarks and so far, it's not going all that well. But we're jumping ahead of ourselves. I was hungry, because I didn't have time to eat during recess, so I kept begging Nisa if we could go to the canteen. We ended up going sometime like an hour later, when my stomach was already protesting very painfully.

The YE meeting that day was a snore because we didn't do anything other than settled a few things regarding the Sales and shares. Nisa and Damia played a "One Direction game". After that was basically a cracktastic camwhoring session. It was mildly fun and I was... somewhat happier than I had been in the morning, even though I stank like a skunk and there were a few a more hours left of staying back for Blue House practice. After changing, I found Intan and we headed to the Gallery. House practice that day consisted of lounging around with other people who wanted to be in aerobics and apparently we have to audition, but we're auditioning with "Shots", something I've learned last year, so no problemo. Or at least I'm hoping not. It was a fun time, because I got to at least take my mind off a lot of things, home and Helena and the likes, and I hung around Intan, Sasha, Aqilah, Sam, all those people. It wasn't a bad end to a crappy day, honestly. When I met up with Hanna a little later on, I had a big smile on my face and she asked me why I was so happy.

That night marked the first night of horrors. I stayed up late just to run around the house, looking for stuff to stick on the board. It was not a pretty sight. I also had homework to due, long-overdue ones plus the ones I had just gotten that day that were due the next day, and how I managed to juggle all of that, God knows, but thank you, God, for giving me the strength and wakefulness to do that because I normally would have fallen asleep earlier than I did on that night.


I just wanted to say, in the spirit of Friendship Week, thanks. I know it's not worth much, not for my sake or anyone else's (and we all know who that anyone else is - or at least if you don't, I do, and that makes one of us so it's a sane thing to say, really), but I get it now, I really do. I don't know what blinded me so much last year. Actually, I do know who blinded me so much last year and the year before that. I am dense when it comes to these things, sure, but it doesn't matter anymore, or at least it shouldn't, because there's no point anymore. Oh, man, I really didn't mean for this to end up here. I was gunning for optimistic. So back to that. I understand now on a level I didn't years ago, that it sucks to watch a person you love be sad, that when someone smiles, it makes them infinitely more beautiful. I am ashamed, and most of all angry at the world for not granting me a third chance (but even if I had that, I wouldn't know what to do with it), for unwittingly being the cause of her misery while she truly did care for me, but like I said, nothing that can be done, at least not on my end.

I realized a few days ago that I could blame Nisa for all the jealousy I feel now, sometimes, most of the time. Because if it weren't for her being in the same class as I last year, maybe none of this would have happened, but alas she was and it all did. I also could blame so many other people, but what's the point in that? The point in other things, the way I see it, is this: you guys are good people who genuinely do good things for and to each other, and I can't imagine anything better for the people I love. I can't wish to have done anything different, because if things continued, progressed, linear, then we would all be miserable and I would be clueless as to the source of it. But with the way things have worked out, everything's perfect now.

So thank you for giving her the time of day and being everything I couldn't be. I appreciate every single step, smile, laugh, and blink of your eyes. Even though I sometimes wish I could be in your shoes, I've just got to learn to accept it, something I've been trying and failing to do for two years. There's nothing that can be done, not for us and for you guys to just come in to save the day, it's amazing. You are nothing short of amazing and whatever you may face on a daily basis, I would give anything to be able to go up to you and with confidence thank you for being there. Thank you for being so much better than I am.

And that is friendship, that is love.

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