The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

You Think You Can Do It (You Can't)

We're treated like mutants.


So today was another one of those so-and-so days, in which there was a fair share of good moments and bad moments, all culminating into a mostly bad day but as per usual, I couldn't care less. My dad's been nagging me to get a jump start on studying lately and I know I shouldn't have said anything about the fact that I can't manage to learn anything properly in class and about how crappy more than fifty percent of our teachers are, but there you go. Lesson learnt, I guess. Don't tell your parents anything. And, you know, it's not as if I don't want to study because most of the time, that is honestly the top thing on my mind. But I am tired, and I can barely find the time, and I managed, okay? I've always managed and if I fail miserably this time, I will manage again and again and eventually, "managing" will just have to become a synonym for "excelling". Anyways, it was a bad day.

I was super sad this morning. I woke up and I guess it must have been because I slept later than my usual ten o'clock (eleven at worst), I felt so sleepy and like I hadn't had enough sleep. Blink, and before I knew it, it was already six in the morning. So I was cranky all up until I brushed my teeth after eating. Then, I started to get kind of excited because I had tons of names to suggest for our YE company this year and I'm absurdly proud of all of them. For some reason, Maze called me this morning and that took up about five minutes, so I thought I was running late but as it turns out, my clock was set ten minutes early. So I technically woke up at 5.50. Instead of making me sadder, this made me slightly happy. For some reason.

Violet was asleep in the morning, so I only got to show Cassandra and Jen the ideas for names I've concocted. I am a particularly huge fan of Midas Enterprise because aside from a throwback to some Korean drama or another, Midas was that king whose touch can turn objects into gold. And come on, that is A+ material for a YE company name, if you asked me. So the morning kind of sucked because I was hoping for more excitement and everyone was just wilting away. I didn't use enough hairspray in the morning so all through the day (the earlier parts especially) I was super annoyed at how the longer parts of my hair at the front would keep on droop droop drooping downwards past the shorter parts at the end. But this is irrelevant to what I was saying before. And for that, I apologize.

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And this time around, I'm not going to say things like "you don't know what it feels like" because I admit it. You don't because you're not like that. This. And I'll admit to that now. I can never work up the courage to actually go up and say sorry because how embarrassing is that, honestly? Haven't I done enough to embarrass myself?

Even more embarrassing still is how happy I was afterwards. It's undeniable and inescapable. I was unhappy before and suddenly, like a light switch turned on, my entire mood shifted.

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Back to what I was saying: uneventful morning. When the day actually started, I became really sleepy. So it came as no surprise to anyone that I almost fell asleep during the career personality test thing. I'd hate to say that those things are useless because, well, in the grand scheme of things, they are, but those guys who talked about it with us, as well as counselors, as well a whole slew of other people from other career paths, have jobs dealing with helping people figuring out what jobs they should get, so it's kind of like I'm putting down a perfectly legit career choice here. Not saying that I think that drawing thing was legit. I mean, I know it's psychology and stuff, but I'm starting to see why some people think psychology's crap. 

I didn't fall asleep, so that in itself is an achievement, but I was very, very annoyed at everything. I don't know why I chose today in particular, but I guess it's just because I got off on the wrong start with the hairspray and I was still feeling residual anger at the English class placement thing yesterday. I guess. I mean, that's a possibility. Although after I settled the whole seating arrangements with Divyia, I think my innards calmed down some. Happy, maybe, even. Recess was a whole lot of nothing. I wish I didn't have to deal with recess. I mean, the break's nice, I guess, but I don't need to eat and the last thing I want to do (or, at least, the last thing I wanted to do today) was talk to people. And maybe second to that was watching Nisa watch me. And judging. She's probably judging.

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Because we're all judged and I'm going to live an entire life having to be judged for this one teeny tiny thing that I don't have a problem with. That others do. That I'm apparently expected to just "deal" with. And then I die. And then I get judged some more.

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The school bookshop has yet to receive that essay book I've been needing to buy since last week. Come on, this is getting ridiculous. I suppose I'm not at liberty to say anything. I don't manufacture those books. Towards the end of recess, Nisa and I were just sitting around and then these people walked by (people from INTI, who were later on slated to make us suffer through another talk) and the lady, who's apparently the Dean of Something at INTI, asked us why we weren't in class. Nisa didn't hear, and I was predictably stumped speechless by such a question. The talk itself (about studying methods - which we had to endure pre-PMR) was nothing I've never heard before and I know I'm a kinesthetic learner and I couldn't care less about the notes that they've given expanding that learning technique because I'm sixteen and I've had sixteen years to come up with my own learning technique. Learning techniques which I'm sure should be reviewed and brushed up on sometime soon, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

That concludes the school day itself, although I guess if you were curious enough to know, it's worth mentioning that I slept for about twenty minutes. That was probably the highlight of my day. It was awesome. Some people can't take those power naps at school but that was honestly the best sleep I've gotten this year. After school, we were all at the canteen and it's sweet that there's no need to go around in search for tables anymore. We have a stable table. I had fries. Bad fries. So, you know, don't say it was a surprise that my tummy acted up during Accounts or anything. After, I just followed Nisa around because I think at the time, the Pusat Akses, where we were having Accounts class, was still empty.

I heard Divya's voice from around there sometime later, and that's when I ditched Nisa to head to Accounts. Accounts itself wasn't so bad. I hung out at a table with Divya, Marina, Zaza and Xueh Wei and we sat smack in front and Divya seems to know what she's doing (or at least she actually has a scary passion for the subject considering she wants to be an accountant) so I'd say that that would be a pretty safe place to sit at. And for this instance, I'm going to put my one egg in just the one basket.

Xueh Wei gave me a notebook. Bless! I've been in need of one for a long time (well, a week tops) ever since the last one tore. This one's orange! She also gave me one of the best pens I've ever used, so I can say with utmost certainty right now that I love her. But not like that.

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How fair is it that you want to cure us? How fair is it that you say you want to help us, but we honestly really know what you mean by that? That you want to talk us out of it, that you want us to repent. That you want us to own up to it when there's nothing to own up to. This is my business, not yours, and I don't have to tick a stupid box in a stupid survey just to feel good about myself. I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'll set my own boundaries.

How fair is it that we have to sit through those things? If even one of us owed to it, there will be no change. Our lives will become more miserable. I can handle it, right now, sitting in class, crying sometimes, because I know that the alternative, "talking it out", would be so much worse.

You think I care about being a better person and you're right, I do. But I want to do it on my terms and I'll figure it out myself. I don't care what the rest of us face. Selfish as that may sound, we fight our own battles. I'm still trying to get past this one thing. Just two more years and I can forget all about it. Just two more years.

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We have feelings, too. And contrary to what you may have assumed, we think.

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