The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

With Any Luck

Haha, here have a thousand-word word spew about Darren Criss and I don't know, Broadway or something. (Picture from here.)

I know I've been, well, hard on Darren Criss lately, and honestly, it's not even my fault. I just don't really like stalking or interacting with crazed Klaine fans anymore than Hitler liked Jews. Okay. Really, really bad comparison but bear with my three-a.m.-mind right now. But I have, I'll admit to that. Some days, I hear people talking about how much they hate Darren and I can't even formulate a response, much less feel anything about it. I'm around those people more and more each day and maybe my brain just developed a shield of sorts? To protect mysel from getting hurt when people taunt him or haters hate?

Because of course it hurts. Just like that time I straddled Iylia in the canteen when she told me she thought Chris looked like a- well, I'm not going to be the one to repeat that sentiment. But be that as it may, be all of that as it may, it still doesn't change how much feels I am currently feeling.

Because I've known of Darren for so, so long now. I don't know, in relative time, everything seems really long because I don't hold onto relationships for long. But Form 1 seems like ages ago, doesn't it? It certainly does to me. I've known of Darren way, way before I fell in celebrity worship/hero worship syndrome love with Chris. Way, way before Glee, even. Like, a few weeks or months before Glee. Yeah, that long.

And honestly if you watched AVPM and have had a prior predisposition to guys with curly and/or dark hair and, well, glasses, how can you not fall in love with Darren? Well, celebrity-worship-syndrome love, but still. And so I watched AVPM, and then his YouTube videos. Oh, my God, when he sang Reflection, that was probably when I lost it. My marbles, I mean. And he had to sing Belle and Goddamn Duck Tales and what the heck, it was like he was charming his way to Internet stardom by singing really dopey mushy songs. How can you not? Honestly. And then came Little White Lie, and my obsession with the rest of Starkid and then- that's it. Radio silence for about a year or so.

When I found out Darren was going to be on Glee, I was shocked. Ecstatic. At the time there was no doubt about it: I was a full fledged, Internet-certified Gleek and I watched the show like it was my born duty. But I wasn't excited because Darren was going to be on Glee, because I'd get to see him in it in an episode, maybe two or three. I was excited because Darren freaking Criss was going to be on Glee, because he had made it, because this was his big break and how can I ever resent a character like the one he'd just won, like Blaine, who was sure to become Darren's gateway to many, many more roles.

Like his side role in Imogene. Like How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. Like the sold-out shows he's had since, the other artists he had been honored and privileged to perform with, the thousands of screaming fans who knew him as Blaine and knew him as Darren Criss at sold-out Glee Live events.

Of course, everything went out the window soon after that. I don't know why, but I was a Gleek, I knew that. I watched Glee because it was a fun show. But fandom? That wasn't really for me. I wasn't really ready for anything more. I came into fandom for Darren, because, right? "Fandoms collide", thousands of annoying fangirls typed over and over again on their keyboards (and I will be the first to admit, I was once apart of that particular brand of euphoria as well). Who would've thought? Starkid and Glee, colliding? I came for Darren but I stayed for someone else.

And it was a slow descent from there, I guess. I was elated at first, excited at the prospect of a new fandom. But I wasn't ready. Of course I wasn't. I was going through some hard and confusing times and how can a magazine cover with Darren and Chris on it possibly help with anything? It helped, over there, where the people were different and this was a show straight out of the brains of one of them, but here? I'm not even in Kansas.

When things become hard, you find somewhere to hide. A vessel, an outlet, something that had no hold on reality and sometimes I just lost my tether, is all. Hating Blaine, hating Darren, was never my original intention and neither is me taking this matter so seriously. But is has to be serious, right? Or else it couldn't possibly be so personal.

So I have been giving him a hard time. A while back, I saw a graphic posted where someone had Photoshopped How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying into How to Succeed in Business Without Any Talent. I was horrified. Horrified at how I sort of came to agree. Because while he holds his own pretty well with the Glee cast, Glee's not exactly known for its outstanding actors (or characters, or plot, or anything much as of late, really). Although I'm not saying the Glee cast lack talent, because they must have had talent in spades in order to even remotely pull off most of Season 3 coherently. Coherently-ish. But Darren's a performer. He's a musician. He sings and he writes songs and performs them and he does these things so well and it's different onscreen. I feel like a bad, bad fan, really, because the others are super crazy and see things differently.

But different strokes, I guess. So this is going down the road of no return. I can't take back what I've thought. I thought it. I somewhat agreed with the graphic. But you know what? I have never known of a person as enthusiastic and inherently good as Darren Criss appears to be. He's made it so far and, yeah, a year ago he was nobody. And a year ago I was a completely different person.

And we've come so far, haven't we? From 2009 until now. It's been such a long journey and of course, of course, it's not over yet, not at all anytime soon. I am so very, very happy at this turn of events: who would have fucking thought? Darren Criss of YouTube fame, going on to play the part of the most unstable character on Glee to date and pulling it off... as well as anyone can. And now this. Right on the front steps of Broadway and on the front pages of newspapers (well, the Arts section of the New York Times, but still). Just a few short years, not at all a long trip back to that guy with glasses, the 'fro, the opening lines to a song now considered iconic to a cult of followers, and a single spotlight.

Break everything, Darren Criss. And one day, one day I'm going to meet you (preferably with the rest of the Glee cast as well and Chris, oh, yes, please, Chris) and I am going to love. You. Down.

Or get an autograph and a picture. One or the other.

(Also, I am sobbing; this is not actually part of what I originally wrote but I thought I'd let you know the amount of emotions I'm actually emoting right now. Off the scales.)

(Also also, what is with me lately? I reread this post and my last one and it just seems full of innuendo, the hell.)

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