The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

They Ring In Your Ears

So I know this post is going to suck. Without even thinking about it or planning what I'm going to write, I already know it's going to suck. It's not going to be poignant, it's not going to be profound, and basically it's all around useless (not saying that any of my other posts are worth much, but it's just one of those days) so this is just a head's up. If you still want to continue on reading this, I can't be held responsible for your wastage of time.

Anyways, I feel like talking about people today, but people don't seem to like it when I talk about people. So on Monday night, I wasn't in the best of spirits, despite having already received a couple of Happy Birthday wishes. I don't think the fact that I'm not in a very Birthday mood has anything to do with last year (the Bowling Accident) but one does have to wonder. I was very lackluster after all and I sit next to Nisa every day. I have no excuses for being lackluster when it comes to my birthday - she must have infected me with her birthday cheer sometime between those three days of the first week of school. Back to that night, though; I was already under my covers when I realized that people might want to call me at midnight and I had my phone switched off. As soon as I turned it on, I received my first call!

Overall, I didn't get to have Epic Birthday Conversations or anything because it was already midnight and I answered a total of three phone calls that night. I had school in the morning and unfortunately, self-restraint was something that I do possess. So I switched it off again and went to sleep. The next day was all right, birthday-wise. I mean, I think I didn't enjoy Bio, because of some stuff that can't possibly be blamed on us, the class. But nevertheless, some parties (party) do find ways to pile on the blame. And while that, of course, didn't ruin my day, it certainly did put a dent in the whole spirit of things.

I had to stayback that day for the prefects' yearbook photo shoot. They're having it early this year because last year was apparently complications galore. So we had the photo shoot and then the Form 4 YE members (well, not that there currently are any other YE members other than us seven - Amirah is gone!) gathered in the canteen to discuss this year's YE. Everyone except for one person, I can't remember who that was. Left at four without managing to accomplish any homework. Home was a nice and long shower followed by nice and longer conversations with a few people on the phone. It wasn't the best birthday because I think I cried somewhere during that day. Yeah. I cried because my mother asked me what I wanted and I honestly didn't want anything, but I think I already talked about this and man, if this isn't a depressing topic.

Tuesday was a lot of things, but mainly one thing stuck out and I finally made a decision. Well, I mean, I guess if you want to be technical, you can say that I made this decision during the holidays, I just haven't found the willpower to practice it. It's okay for now, though. I've found backup. I've found someone to help me out in case I slip. And that day, boy, did I slip. I honestly didn't mean to say the things that I said. They just come out, you know? And if I could take it back, in a heartbeat, I swear. That night was me stressing out over a lot of things, least of all were school-related things so don't think I'm going back on what I said earlier (that school was not stressful). I think it mostly involved insects in my room and my laptop's crash crash crashing.

Wednesday, I can't remember what happened other than the whole Nisa and Hanna came over thing. Oh, and I was apparently all shades of emo that morning. Oh, well, we can't have it all (especially not emotional stability during that time of the month). We have it settled: we are going to the zoo on Saturday with Intan and Xueh Wei. This is good, right? I mean, I know, sixteen and a year closer to death and all, so why not celebrate it by going to the zoo and regressing to the lowest possible point at which you could regress to? I remember the zoo field trip I had when I was in kindergarten. This is like that. And before you ask, it was purely Nisa's idea, but I am backing the shit out of it. It is a good idea. Like I said, it's good, right? 

Which brings us to today, I guess. Today was what I would like to call the Peak of Nisa's Annoyingness, and it's only been the seventh day of school. I took a nice clean break during Mod Math to go sit next to Aly. It's not we talk much (or at all) but it's always nice to sit next to her, because it reminds me of last year and I've come to not only accept her strong silence, I've come to enjoy it (sometimes she talks, too, okay, it's not like she's made of brick). And plus, I was all blur during Math because teacher just placed some stuff on the board and was like, "Solve it," and Aly took less time interpreting the textbook than I did. Maybe because she's learnt the stuff before but who cares, it was just good siting next to her. I did eventually return to Nisa after finishing the notes. By then, Nadiah had commandeered by seat but we worked something out. Our Math teacher, much like Pn Mashitah last year, doesn't seem to mind much where we place our asses during class (or even much of what we actually do in class because there was like ten minutes in there in which I absolutely was not doing her work at all; I was just talking) as long as we hand in the books on time. Or maybe she doesn't care about that either, but I'm not going to neglect my homework.

A lot of things going on. A lot of things going to go on. Co-curricular activities sign-up tomorrow and I'm going to have to stand in front of the classroom and say something during YE's because I volunteered for some reason. Nisa, Nadiah and I also volunteered to help out with the crew work for the school's PGL production, which Divyia seems to think is funny, but I like backstage work more than I like being onstage, so I don't really care how lame it is, because every morning I step foot inside school and, yes, I realize it's all lame from there, but one day I'll escape. One day soon.

Chris is going to be back for Season 4. I cried when I read about this. When can I quit this, oh, my God? Other than that, there's nothing much going for me on the Internet. I am too tired to actively search for fanfiction, so I just reread oldies but goodies.

Praying to God that tomorrow runs smoothly. Happy birthday to Zayn Malik and if you wish him in your heart of hearts, Hanna will thank you on his behalf.

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