The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Pride

Hey, so I'm having a good-ish weekend. I mean, I didn't do much. Let's see... yesterday my Dad and I went out to buy groceries and stuff and I managed to buy everything that I needed to buy for school and a little something something extra which you will find out about on Tuesday! Or maybe Wednesday, depends. Sorry, I'm not up for much writing. This is just one of those general updates that I generally hate to write because it doesn't require me to get deep and think about what I'm writing. I'm just updating you guys on what's been happening. And what's been happening was the grocery shopping trip yesterday.

I sort of cried, smack in the middle of Giant, because for some reason, I was thinking about how I'm not going to get to meet Chris Colfer for my birthday. It's sad. I hate all these womanly feelings I have to endure once a month. Last time, it was the sudden and deep need to have babies. Now that my second nephew's grown into his lungs, I think it's safe to say that I'm only up to cats for the moment. Sadly, the motherly feelings have been replaced with woe-I-will-never-be-able-to-meet-Chris feelings. Crying in the middle of the supermarket is never a person's crowning moment of glory so I was happier later on when I went to the bakery and got orders down for my cake.

Me: Can I have a cake?
My Dad: Sure.
Me: Can I have a cake with like pictures and stuff and writing on it?
My Dad: No. Of course not. Why? It's not like there's a birthday or something.
Me: ...

I also felt much better after finishing half a packet of Maltesers but my Dad took it away from me before I could finish the whole thing. It's okay. I finished it today. And speaking of today, it was a nice morning, despite the fact that I have my period, and it's never ever fun to wake up to yourself having your period. I think it's the worst way to wake up in the morning. It feels like I'm... never quite alone. All right then. But a good thing is that I cleaned my room up the night before and waking up to a clean room is definitely fun. It feels like magic fairies came in at night to clean your room but the fact that I cleaned it myself just gave me my own strange sense of pride. I've been priding up all over the place lately. Feeling all grown up and shit.

I spent the morning downstairs with my laptop and iPod and phone and my cat and that was at eleven in the morning and I haven't moved away from the position since. Well, except for now, because I hate writing blog posts on my laptop. Guess it's just another thing to get used to? Or maybe I never will. At any rate, it's not like my desktop's going anywhere and, of course, this is of no interest to anyone. My cat's still asleep. It's past three in the afternoon now. I don't really know what to do. I don't feel up to reading Animal Farm for the book club so I'll just put that on the back burner for next week. I don't feel like making invitations to the zoo thing because it's ridiculous enough that we're going to a zoo and to make invitations...? Whatever. I'm not up to staring at Chris's pictures either because I think I'll just cry? Speaking of things that made me cry!


I'm in a good place in my life right now. I mean, I have friends and stuff. Nice ones, like Ellie. And tonight I'm sleeping over at "Elo's" house and Julia will be there. She hasn't left Malaysia since the twenty-something of December. I wonder what's in it for her (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). And school friends. Funny ones like Nisa and Hanna. And, okay, Nadiah, I guess. Stuff to jump and gloss over but I've been in more awkward situations. Let's see, who else? I just think that for now, things are going good. It's not like I'm not lonely, but that in itself is good because I need my me space, probably more than the average person. And the whole being better thing hasn't affected my relationships with anyone yet (and I know it's only the first week of school and barely past the second week of January, but keep in mind last year, I was basically destroying my own life at this point). And I feel relaxed and chill and kind of scared of the future as usual, but I can store it in my back pocket as rocket fuel for future exams. Plus, I have my Worry Book, and God bless the Worry Book because it's saved my life more times than I can probably think to remember.

Okay, I think that's it and in case you didn't already know, my birthday is tomorrow! Thanks for letting me live a relatively healthy and wealthy life for sixteen years!

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