The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

i just wanted you to know that baby you're the best

I firmly believe it’s possible to care for and be attracted to someone, even though your heart belongs to someone else.
Thinking it through now, I am so baffled, still, by your actions and inactions. I wish I could talk to you about it, because that's really what I want to do, what I've always wanted to do, even though I've left that part of me behind, even though I know I made a mistake in saying the things I said. I wonder, the last day, when there was every possibility that we wouldn't see or talk to each other again, I wonder why you decided your last words to me to be "I think you're pretty" and after everything that you didn't know happened, what was I supposed to say?

So I'm sorry I disappointed you with my lack of humility. I'm sorry that that was the way things ended, not with a bang or a revelation, not with a cliffie or a reveal, but with a self-centered admission of acceptance.

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