The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Fourth Wheel

Monday started with me forgetting to ring the bell, and after feeling completely empty the night prior because of school and how much I hate school and how much I hate people and especially about how much I hate people in school, that wasn't exactly the best start to a day, if you know what I'm saying. Which you should, because I'm being very straightforward here. So of course the Assembly passed by in a blur, with people telling me to sit down every few minutes and I don't want to sit down, damnit, but I do sit down when the Headmistress gives her speech because I know we're in for some major rambling. I appreciate that she's trying to treat us like adults who care and want to know about these things that our parents probably would want to know about (well, those nosy parents anyways), but of course the students are leaps and bounds beneath even appearing to be adults so we don't care about those things. Plus, she's probably explained to us the tiniest details about the trials and tribulations faced by a High Performance School a thousand times, as if we don't understand, will never understand, and you'd be right in that, Missy, because none of us actually understand. Nor do we care.

Leaps and bounds beneath, I tell ya. Obviously after almost falling asleep (I shit you not - I really did start to nod off somewhere towards the middle there, but of course I just stood up and that solved the problem instantaneously), I expected the day to go none better, especially considering the first subject following Assembly was the infamous Bio. Apparently people are starting to warm to her because she's started to teach but I am sorry for being the bearer of bad news, she's still not really teaching. In fact, I would place a bet of a lot of money that none of our teachers are quite teaching us, not really, and I bet you I can win that bet safe and sound. Maybe our Chemistry teacher teaches us, but she's the dictionary definition of 'listless'. Pn Yong would insist that she has no mitochondria. I would agree, that being one of the only things I happen to agree with her with. Not to badmouth the teachers or anything (even though I know full well that that is what I am doing), but seriously. If I were a new student, I would expect tons more from the teaching standards of a High Performance School. Leaps and bounds more.

And then we had Islamic Studies, and really, no idea what went on in there. I think the clock being ten minutes earlier gives the illusion that that class is a phony class, not real, a figment of one's imagination. Honestly no idea what went on during Islamic Studies. Oh, dear, more's the pity. We had Maths after recess, which was also a blur of God-what-the-hell-happened, because I think we learned, I'm pretty sure we learned, but you can never be too sure, really. And then Chemistry, in which Miss Foo came in as substitute and apparently I turned my back to her as we greeted her, and she didn't like that one bit, nope. Of course, I could have gone with the 'oh, my God, what crawled up her ass and died?' route and became mad at her, but mostly, I'm used to it (thank you, Form 2, for the little things) and I am also glad (ecstatic, really) that she remembered my name, because in Form 2, when she was my class teacher, she never did. It's the little things that makes life with Miss Foo bearable. People should learn this fact and wholeheartedly embrace it. A lot of other people got scolded as well, but I don't really care about that, so let's move on to the final class of the day, which was English, and God forbid I actually remember what we did during English.

Stayed back that day for YE. Immense confusion with the secretary and treasurer books. Things like that makes me unsure of my position as secretary, and unsure of why the hell I even wanted such a job in the first place, but hey, don't knock it 'til you try it, right? At least now I know that there isn't much fun in being a secretary, but that's life. It's not much fun. Unless you're Michael Jackson. I think he had fun no matter what people said about him. I don't actually know where that came from, it might be because I watched three Michael Jackson themed television show episodes this week. Can't deny it, though, can you? Anyways, yes, YE. After YE, I was as listless as our Chem teacher, because I just wasn't in the mood, and of course running cross country wasn't going to be fun. But like I said, you know, life isn't fun. So I just did it, soldiered through and got out the other end a marginally better person who smelled worse. I like cross country, mainly because it gives me the opportunity to hang out with a bunch of different people. Started off with Sam and Aqilah, and we (and Sasha) had planned on being as slow as possible without actually being last, but once on the road, any pacts made prior to that just sort of dissolves, because it's hot, it's tiring and there's cars driving around, flaunting the fact that they have A/C in there. Then I moved forward through the crowd and somehow found Pri, Khairin and Nadhrah, but of course that only lasted a while because hello, fourth wheel. Finally, around my house, I reunited with Hanna like something out of a Nicholas Sparks novel, and we spent the rest of the walk talking about the SAGs and how Chris was going to wear Vivienne Westwood.

The thing about cross country is that I really do not care about it much. Or at all, really, but I get really sad when I see the leaders of Blue House sad, because that's just a natural reaction, I think, and thank God for small wonders such as these which serves as the occasional one-off reminder that I am not a psychopath. But my apathy (and psychopathness) outweighs my sympathy and sadness-when-other-people-are-sad, so it's hot, it's tiring and there's cars driving around, flaunting the fact that they have A/C in there, and I really don't give a crap about road run, is what I'm trying to get at.

So Tuesday started with Add Math, which is always either first or last, and that's annoying, sure, but once again, this is where my apathy kicks in and I don't even know why I started this sentence this way in the first place if I'm only just going to express the level at which I simply do not give a fuck in the end. That's all one sentence, I bet you're surprised. Then we had Islamic Studies, what a blur, followed by Mod Math and did I even come that day, because I seriously do not remember anything. For History, we did a little presentations thing, and it was fun, I guess, because I could have fallen asleep, but I did not, so it was almost like a victorious moment for me (and for most of my classmates, I'm sure). We had English after that, and God cares what happened during, followed by BM, and I'm starting to think that I hadn't came that day after all. Nisa had nothing to do in between the completion of school and Yellow House practice, so she hung out with us accountants in Accounts, but of course, teacher didn't come because of a meeting, so Zaza and Santra and I just did our Add Math homework and people were randomly stoning in and out of the place, I don't know, don't care. Went home that day and I remember thinking it was nice to go home because I like home and I hate school.

Wednesday was okay. There was a Ridsect's thing about dengue and I should care because of my mother and all the other dead people, but apathy really does seem to be the shining star in my life, and there's a lot of things to actually care about, this being very far down on my list. I nearly fell asleep. Actually, I fell asleep. I would have started sleeping sooner if cameramen hadn't started getting their cameras all up in my face. Obviously, this is the result. When I'm looking perky and alert, they don't film me. They only do it when I look like that, like dengue is so last season, and I should be anywhere but there at the moment, which I guess is true, but I have to give a damn about dengue prevention, because out of all the diseases (diabetes, HIV) this one hits the closest to home. So... there's nothing else I can possibly add to this, other than the fact that a total number of six people texted me just to tell me my face in in that video and one of those people were my Dad.

I was sighing and mooning over A&W the whole day, so after Rangers, Hanna, Nisa and I went on over and then after, they went to my house to chill. And eat. And Nisa needed to utilize my Photoshop. Nadiah was invited but if you thought she would have said yes to that, you would be sorely mistaken and I would have pointed a finger at you and laughed heartily. I would chuckle. I have decided that "it's too far because we have to cross the LDP" is the final straw and never again am I inviting Nadiah to anything because that seems like something you do only when someone has sucked your brains out your ears and stored it in a jar and threw the jar in the ocean. And only then.

Nisa is a scaredy cat. We did not watch the entirety of The Blair Witch project because she had to go home. I did not watch the entirety of the movie because it was spooky and it was dark outside and I am not a scaredy cat, but I am also not stupid.

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