The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Figure It Out


First of all, it was Nazureen's birthday a few days ago, which I had planned on writing about but somewhere along the way of work and homework and prefects work, it all just sort of slipped my mind and now I'm six days late. Shame on me. Anyways, when asked, Nazureen seemed to have had a normal birthday, like me (I'll get to that sometime this month), so there's really nothing else to say because that day has passed. I hope she has a good year, though; a better year. Not saying that last year sucked for her. Just saying that I'm hoping she has a better year this year, because better is better than good. God, that sentence sucked.

Second, happy birthday to my nephew, who is now four but still speaks as if he swallowed entire Transformers comics and nothing else. His vocabulary, while lacking, is very... how do you say... robotic, and while that is one of the most annoying things about him, it definitely makes for good entertainment once in a while. Here's to hoping that he's blessed with the gift of speech this year and God, is it going to be weird when he finally does talk because all he does these days is... garble stuff. And gurgle occasionally.

Third, happy birthday to my sister. Her birthday is actually today. I don't have anything to say because there truly is nothing to say and it's an hour past my bedtime (it's now 10 o'clock at night - what do you make of that?) and I am not in the best of moods. Actually, I haven't been in the best of moods the whole week. The whole week which consisted of yesterday, Monday, my birthday, and today, Tuesday. Finally, fourth, happy birthday to Pri's aunt and I don't even know why I'm writing this down but I do know that I feel extremely stupid.

Because this, right there, is basically the root of all my problems. No, that's not true. The root of all my problems is myself and lately, I've been very down on myself. I think it's just because of the whole adjustment from Form 3 to Form 4 stuff, although other factors also seemingly come into play, like my never-diminishing, ever-growing misanthropy. I don't know why it took me sixteen years to finally learn what it means like to have your self-esteem shot down for no gosh darn reason, but here we go. I am becoming every single whiny teenager cliche ever, with the added bonus of being too lazy to place an accent above that e in cliche. Sixteen years. Sixteen years of being perfectly fine with blaming it on the world and now it all just seems to come out and scream at me.

It's annoying, to say the least. I'm finding myself more and more irritating by the day. That's annoying. The fact that I'm annoyed by it, is also irritating. There is only so many words I can use to describe how utterly pissed I am at everything, myself and the whole entire universe. And it's totally not fair. Because this is not the year to get disillusioned or depressed. Because I have everything. Like, literally. I cried the other day because my mother asked me what I want for my birthday and I just didn't know. I didn't want anything. I didn't want to waste money on something that when bought, it's going to lose its value and then I'm going to not care about that thing entirely and then I would feel bad that I had asked my parents to buy me something useless. Maybe if they gave me a cat... but no. Of course not. I neither have the time nor patience to entertain another cat at this point of time.

And I've learned something about myself. Something that's both rather terrifying and annoying at the same time. I really don't learn anything in class. For lack of better words, I just stone. I stare at the teacher, copy stuff down, and if I've already learned the topic beforehand at home, I'll understand and if I haven't, I won't and I'll just stare and no amount of explanation is going to change that. I guess it was less apparent last year, when we only had a few nail-biting subjects and plus, our teachers last year were really... stoned themselves, I think. Now, every time we learn something new in class, all I can honestly do is stare. Some people can do it, learn in that environment. I really, really, really can't. And I really, really hate everything right now and I sound so stupid!

This year, I have one resolution: to devote an entire year to myself, to devote an entire year to 'figure it out'. So figure it out. Figure it out. Figure what out? Well, 'it'. I for one am not willing to live this double life anymore. I can't learn one thing on the Internet, among one group of friends, only to unlearn it all again in school. We literally talked about rape culture today during Islamic Studies, and of course, I've been in countless debates about that. And to think that at school, it's one thing, it's dress to not impress, and at home, I have to maintain this other thing, it's a dress, not a yes, and I am so confused now; someone write a non-condescending book, please! I for one am not willing to spend every single Islamic Studies class crying. I for one am not going to continue on with this for the whole year just because I can't get over a stupid insipid little crush.

It's embarrassing to think and I'm just embarrassing myself. So I've got to figure it out. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I don't have the people who normally help me out to help me out here. Either they're sick of me, or they're sick of talking about this. Because this has been going on for two years and I am so stupid, sometimes I just wonder how could I have let this happen to me?

Figure it out. The age old question.

Why me?

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