The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Stitch Away From Making It

I'm starting to feel like I'm not even living my own life anymore, like the person who goes to school in the morning and the person who steps foot inside the house half a day later are completely different people altogether. It's disorienting, because everything feels like a dream; not a bad one, necessarily, but definitely not a pleasant one, and definitely not a dream that I feel is happening to myself. More and more, I'm starting to wonder whether this was what the previous years' seniors felt like, like they're just living in somebody else's dream, but they were not eloquent enough to say it in a way other than, "Well, this is stressful."

Because that's not it, not really. It's not stressful. Actually, if you asked me, I enjoy the buttload of work. I like not having free time so I don't feel guilty about wasting my time about doing unproductive stuff. Doing homework is actually the worst motivation to study, but not studying and doing homework is a lot better than not studying, not doing homework, and spending the majority of my day on Tumblr. So there's the win and lose. I'm not stressed, to be perfectly honest. It's not at all what some people think when I tell them how much I am starting to hate school more and more each day, that I'm just unused to it. That I just need time to adapt. Hell, last year I hated that place and the only reason I wasn't going on and on and on about it was because I had a national exam to think about and sit for. And drama, but that's irrelevant. So now I feel stupid all the time, because I'm pretty sure everyone's been through this before, some with the added bonus of actual stress, and adding my name onto the already long list isn't going to do anyone any favors. I mean, isn't there anywhere else I can store my feelings other than in my own head?

I'm sure as time progresses and I get even more busy - because yes that is possible and yes that is going to happen - I'm going to be able to relax and leave more things up to God. Or maybe not. Really, I have no fucking clue what's going on right now, I'm not at liberty to even talk about what's going to go on.

What happened today was basically a bad day, but not really, because these days bad days are particularly tolerable and good days always have that dark cloud staining it, making it impossible for me to truly have a good day (or truly have a bad day so praise God). We had a pretty good PE lesson followed by a pretty bad Bio lesson and the rest was sort of in between. Add Math was good, but Physics was bad and it went on and on like that - bad countered with a good. At the end of the day was another bad, because I discovered that a shitload of asshats from my relief class have yet to hand in their Borang Maklumat Murid and today was the deadline. I am dead, I guess. Whatever. Funny thing about having multiple things on your plate at once is that when you slip up in one direction, there are countless other things to think about still and you can't exactly afford to waste time worrying on just one particular thing. Well... hasn't stopped me from trying to worry about everything before. I guess it was sort of good that I finished most of what I was supposed to finish. It could have been so much worse.

Hanna and Nisa were invited over to my house today. We had some of my Chris Colfer cake and spent thirty minutes figuring out what delivery service to order from. Other than the obvious (we laughed a lot because we ended up set to place the exact same order from Kenny Rogers, but then when we finally called them, they said that delivery was unavailable for the day). We did end up with a Domino's lasagna each an hour later, as well as a bottle of Coke and some chicken wings. Everyone but me are enjoying my Maltesers.

Well, since I am not in the mood and I want to take advantage of the rain and burrow under the covers, I think that's it for today. I know I haven't been updating as religiously as I usually do but it's not really because I'm tired. It's more of the fact of how embarrassed I am to be so down in the dumps when I literally have it all.

Except for maybe a time-turner.

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