The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, December 12, 2011

you're ripping off the wrong tag

i remember when kai and i did our confession thing to each other and gosh that was like last year but it felt like a lifetime ago and anyways i distinctly remember kai asking me 'so who's the guy in your relationship?' and i felt so jarred by the question because it's never occurred to me once that there was supposed to be a guy in a girl/girl relationship. but at the same time the question didn't bother me, like it bothers me so much when i hear it now, because i was so ignorant then. so i just shrugged and made up some crappy answer.

i also remember on the last day of school when i called adline 'man' like a 'take care of yourself, man' and she got offended and said 'i'm not a man'. holy shit, i wanted to laugh because i know she probably doesn't like the scrutiny that comes with looking the way she does, but i was seriously just saying. like, i call my friends dude, i call them man, it's just something to tack on at the end of a sentence. but i guess i understand. if i were her, i would be slightly offended as well.

so i don't know i mean all these things just made me realize how proud i am of myself today because i've learned a lot and have been 'enlightened' as they say. and that's why i like talking about my mistakes even though people seem to not want to do it. for me, if i keep on talking about something great that i've done in the past, what does that say about me in the present, who's doing nothing more than merely talking about something great that i've done in the past. whereas if i talk about a mistake i've made in the past, i know that i'm standing at present as a better person.

and i like being better.

(haha i mixed up my whose and who's again in this post and i'm admitting to this mistake!)

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