The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, December 5, 2011

you dig yourself the hole you're in when you don't know what you want

i was texting her the other day and she mentioned her uncle, another one of her uncles, and i wanted to ask her how many she had before it occurred to me how rarely she talks about, well, that incident. with the bottle and the argument. with, well, everything. i mean, she talks a lot, but most of it's just pretty useless recycled conversation fillers.

and then i thought about what it must have been like to open yourself up to someone and get it all thrown back in your face.

i am selfish, self-centered and mean. i know that. vaguely and occasionally acknowledge that. and when i try to apologize, i fail, because when i was younger, i remember watching the princess diaries 2 and someone said 'power means never having to say sorry' and i somehow got that ingrained in me. and when i try to be a nicer person, people question my motives and just generally not trust me even more than before, so i give up on that pretty easily. and when i try a gradual change into being a nicer person, i get sidetracked, or bored, and it all just boils down to my not getting anything done worth doing.

i didn't realize it last year because i was too busy and caught up in a lot of things. i guess yeah, i can relate to santana. i do get lashing out at other people because you're angry with the hand you've been dealt with. i do get using words as a defense mechanism. and on a sense that i think glee's never bothered to address, i do get feeling joy and pleasure out of other people's pain and suffering. schadenfreude.

so you know what i don't even feel mad anymore. mad at nisa for saying what she did, acting the way she did. mad at pri for, well, leaving, because i left first and being mad, me being mad, in this situation is just so ridiculous, i can't believe myself for it. mad at nadiah for not wanting to deal with my shit anymore. she doesn't think she's the right fit. then there's nothing i can do about it can i?

so many regrets. so many things i did or said wrong. so many things i wish i could take back. but i can't.

i know i am 'not alone'. i know it 'gets better'. i know this because that's what people say.

i know i have maze (who's not mine, can never be mine, because of the fact that i was unwittingly in love with someone else for a whole year). i know i have hanna (despite the fact that she's the most ignorant person on the face of the planet). i know i have hel (who has her own closet problems). i know i have, well, everyone else, who has been there and not been there. i know i'm not 'alone'. i'm not even 'lonely'. i have me, i have books, i have my cat, i have my ipod and youtube and 8tracks. it's hard to be alone when you're me. it's hard to be alone or lonely when you're your own best friend.

i wonder what it's going to be like next year, when i'm in form four, i wonder what that's going to be like. being in a class that's going to be competitive as shit. being forced to be competitive as shit. i don't like me when i'm competitive. i tear people down. i backstab. i ride a high horse. i become everything i feared of becoming and managed to avoid this year. i don't want that at all. and i imagine myself sometimes, if i'm in a class without nisa, and without anybody really, with others already pre-packaged formerly formed band of mates and me, sticking out like a thumb, at the back of the bio, phys and chem labs, sitting farther apart from most.

i wonder sometimes. and then i know that that's not going to happen. i've fought tooth and nail to survive this far. i'm not going to back down and become an antisocial now. i've fought so hard so far just to make sure i'm never alone or lonely, even at the expense of others, even at the expense of myself. so i know beyond a shadow of doubt that if i end up in a class with people i don't like, don't want to like in a million years, i'll still force myself in, integrate myself in, find someone or something to hold onto.

like a nisa maybe.

or a hanna.

or a thivyaa.

and are they friends, really?

it'll be another year of 'excuse me's'? with raised eyebrows, of prayer circles and frosty frostbite stares whenever people go 'but he's gay' and smiling at nisa whenever she jokes it off, whenever she tries to make it trivial because trivial's fine, easy to handle and not in your face queer. it'll be another year as that gay-lover, as a person who'd stand in front of a classroom full of people defending some guy off of some show, because she can't defend herself.

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