The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sudden Silence

And now, what now?

Alas! 
Our dried voices, when 
We whisper together 
Are quiet and meaningless 
As wind in dry grass

So today was a good day. I haven't been having the time of my life or anything the last couple of days, and it was nowhere near as bittersweet as the night before UPSR results. There were no Shitty Witty shows, there were promises and toasts made that I know we wouldn't keep, there's just a whole lot of things that are different now because I'm seeing the world through a different set of glasses. I guess in a lot of ways I used to be more optimistic. And you know what, I think Form 1 me was optimistic to a fault. Like, maybe I always expected the best in people. That's the bittersweet part about it all. The fact that I can remember the last time this happened in my life, three years ago, and it was during a time in which I saw good things in my future, instead of... blankness.

Waking alone 
At the hour when we are 
Trembling with tenderness 
Lips that would kiss 
Form prayers to broken stone.

And now, a list.

  • Maze's birthday thing tomorrow.
  • Going to my paternal hometown on Saturday with my parents and sister. (cancelled)
  • Going out on Sunday to find stuff to make me happy. (cancelled but I found stuff to make me happy)
  • Maybe a family dinner on Sunday night which I'm entrusting my mother to plan but she's never going to get around to doing it (or at least doing it properly) unless I urge her through every step of the way.
  • Find out when my next orthodontist appointment is because I have a feeling it might have been yesterday.
  • That crafty sleepover with Nisa plus a pre-visit to OU. Buy stuff for my pencil box. (cancelled)
  • A separate sleepover with Hanna before school starts.
  • Buy school stuff at Giant: shoes, new shirt, correction tape and top up my ten things.
  • Buy reference books and those small normal lined exercise books.
  • Buy stuff from the Koperasi: socks, about 3-4 sesi tags, 2 badges, Amali books, maybe a GERKO card if they have those in stock.

  • The eyes are not here
    There are no eyes here
    In this valley of dying stars

    Sigh. I don't know what I expected. I don't know how I expected myself to feel. Helena, who was so nonchalant about her results last year assured me that it really didn't matter countless times and yet this year, she was kind of antsy for me. And that made me feel antsy. I went out with her and Maze the other day, right after Johor and right before Raihan's house and we couldn't stop laughing every time we caught each other's eyes because it's ridiculous. Worrying about this is ridiculous. Maze, for his part, didn't have any doubts at all. And between the two of them, they kind of drove me mad. I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to say something, I wanted to do, but of course there was nothing I could do.

    And so I had to stuff all my emotions in a box and forget about them. I had to not feel anything or else I would feel too much. It wasn't worry, it wasn't anxiousness, it was just... the fear of inadequacy, which I think a lot of people feel more than actual nerves. It's a phobia, not a reaction or a feeling, and phobias are much easier to quell.

    We grope together
    And avoid speech
    Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

    When I got the results, it wasn't even a thing anymore. Nisa was crying up a river, so I had to drag her away from just standing there and being a confused little thing, and her mother was like, "Nisa, wait," because Nisa started dragging her mother as well. And then Nadiah was there, and she was happy and huggy and it was apparently obvious to all that we were going to get what we had aimed for all year. And later on Hanna was there, and I don't think even Zayn Malik could put that smile on her face. And when they called my name up, there was applause, but there was more of a silence. Not in the room, more like in my head. I tried not to psych myself up, maybe I'm wrong, maybe they are wrong. But I looked at the slip of paper immediately, an immediate reaction, and when I stepped off stage, people were hugging me and I just can't remember what anymore.

    Because what anymore?

    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends 
    Not with a bang but a whimper.

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