The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Someone Else's Problem

I don't know my days and dates, they all sort of just lump together.

1. For the Most Part
I have been working towards a goal! The completion of my list of things to do during the holidays. I keep adding and subtracting stuff from it but I think I'm going to be able to cross off everything from the list real soon. Actually, I don't know, I haven't looked at it in a while now because I'm scared. I will do a nice long post when I do finish everything on the list (preferably a few days before school so I don't end up adding in more stuff) so until then, you're not getting anything out of me about my holiday activities, no sir. 

2. But Other Than That
I have also been going out. I can't remember when this was, but I went out with my parents one night of this week to get stuff my mother wanted and I also got pancake-making and eating stuff so that when my sister plops by this Friday evening/Saturday morning to whisk me off to, um, Oz, we can make and then eat pancakes. I like pancakes. I also find it appalling that every time I go out, I always see someone I know and my parents always see someone they/one of them knows/know/knew. But not knew, I think, because that would mean that person is dead, wouldn't it?

And then Hanna and I went to The Only Shopping Mall In Existence and I got a wallet while Hanna got a pair of tights, two pairs of chopsticks, black fabric paint and God, I hope that's it but I have a feeling I'm missing something. We watched Puss In Boots and that was hands down, swear to God the cutest thing I have seen all year. I had no idea who was voicing whom in the movie but I guessed that Salma Hayek was Kitty Softpaws and I totally got that right. +1 for Ravenclaw!

And then (wait for it) we watched Glee! Oh, my God, I honestly felt so bad but I couldn't. I mean, Chris was in almost every single scene and I just couldn't. First I skipped skipped skipped like I did for the past two weeks but then Hanna got annoyed so we watched the whole thing except for the Blaine and Rachel duet because I hate the fact that those two have more chemistry than Klaine. I feel bad, sure, but Judy Garland Christmas Show! (Which, I'm downloading now!)

I went to Helena's house today and I think we just talked a lot and watched movies and ate cake (from her aunt's birthday or something). We watched It's A Wonderful Life, The Wizard of Oz, Spirited Away and I had to go halfway through downloading Brown Bunny. I also cleaned the heck out of my room. Seriously, previous years, when I said I cleaned my room, I really meant just chucking any odd bits and sheets of papers I find lying around in any of my drawers or cupboards, but this time, I cleaned out the crud! There's a towering stack of papers in my living room now, as well as stacks of books to be given away/recycled and two bags full of clothes to give away.

And that brings us to right now.

3. And Some Other Stuff
I find it funny because I can worry about it until my hair grays out and I grow a beard but ultimately, there's nothing I'm going to get done. I don't mind being me, other people mind. So now I can only think of one way to move forward and that is to fix the parts of me that I don't like and, like Ellie said, screw 'em. Screw 'em all.

And some other, other stuff, I've been reading this historical book and at first it was so charming and felt like a book of anecdotes instead of, you know, a history lesson, but past the first few pages, it dragged really badly and now I am at a crossroads. To forget about the book and find other, worthier endeavors, or to just stick it out. I'm sure people have thought this about me, as a person, but I'm not a book. Once put down, I'm not exactly going to stay down, am I?

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