The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, December 12, 2011

(Ode to) Joy

Do you ever feel like what even was your life before Chris?
- A brain-eating question put forth by Hanna.

And then Hanna and I had A Conversation through text. A very short one, given how our conversations through text are usually much longer. She claimed that she had no life before Zayn and I guess, you know, we are what we think we are. If Hanna thinks that she didn't have a life before Zayn, then who am I to tell her otherwise? If I told a cow that it wasn't a cow, does that change the fact that the cow clearly knows it's a cow? And if I told Nisa that she was a cow, does that change the fact that she clearly thinks she knows she's a human being? I think the answer is no on both accounts. I also think Hanna is over exaggerating because even I know that I had a life before Chris Colfer.

That's not what I said, of course. I told her, "Lol. There was none." and, of course, if I'm being silly and fangirlish, that would be the epitome of what I am today. A girl without a life before her favorite celebrity came into the picture. But I'm not that girl. I wake up in the morning in a house with people I sometimes like, sometimes don't. In a few more weeks, I'll be waking up to go to a school with people I definitely don't like and study things I definitely do not want the teachers at the school to be teaching me. I'll come home and go on the Internet and then do tons of other things. Chris Colfer is nothing more than five percent of my time, two percent of my thoughts. And I had a life before him. I still woke up and went to school and learned stuff and came home and went online and did things. I still read up about stuff on the Internet and went on Tumblr and watched television shows and had thoughts about stuff. But that's ridiculous. Because I've changed.

1. Like I said in a previous post (the one with the Emmy awards and prayer circles and how Xueh Wei wouldn't pray for Chris' Emmy win so I felt like he had been neglected by the Buddhist community), I think I'm better with handling obsessive people. I mean, if it weren't for my obsession, I would never have tolerated people like Divyia and Xueh Wei. I would have ruthlessly and relentlessly tore them down. And also maybe those K-pop loving people. And Nisa and Hanna. Definitely Nisa and Hanna. I used to make posts demeaning Twilight and, well, people, and I still do that (demean people) except now I tell it to their faces and write it on the blog. It's a recent resolution and it's going to be included in 2012's resolution as well. "It's because I understand now, on a level that not many of my obsessions made me understand, how important someone can be to you even if it's just some guy on television."

2. All right. So this one is hard to admit because it's embarrassing, for one thing, and I really hate to bring it up because recently, it's a wound that has had salt rubbed on it one too many times. But I'll bring it up, for the sake of this post. Last year, I was no kinder no meaner than I am this year but I guess the difference is that I felt more insecure last year, probably because of what I was going through and probably all I needed to hear was, "There's nothing wrong with who you are. Just be yourself." which is something that today has been repeated ad nauseam that it's made me nauseous, but I never heard it last year; not from people around me, not from people all the way on the other side of the world. So really, it's been a learning experience for me. Because that's actually really dangerous advice. Because I'm not a good person. Because I'm mean. And because I find it to change and I don't really have that much incentive to change. So, for me, that might be what I had needed to hear last year, but damn, if it isn't the wrong advice. But Chris helps. I mean, definitely. And sometimes I just feel so ashamed because a person like me really doesn't deserve to be a Chris fan, do I? It's not anger, it's plain old schadenfreude. And I've got that in spades.

3. But that's the most important part, though. That I realize it. Some people actually think I am unaware of how bitchy I am. That's not true. I know I'm selfish, mean and self-centered. I know I 'care only for myself'. I know I do everything for personal gain and the list goes on and on and on. But I realize it. People say that that's the first step in rectifying your mistake and I hope to God that one day, I'll find it in me to be a nicer person. I mean, I don't see it happening in the near future but, who knows? I like being a fangirl. It's honestly the best part of my day. And I don't like feeling like I don't deserve this just because I used to be a bully and am still very, very mean to people. I think some days I don't care and some times I do and that's great because I used to not care altogether, all the time! Such teeny tiny little baby steps.

4. I'm good with it now. I mean, there is no way I'm going to be comfortable a hundred percent because there always will be unanswered questions, but I am honestly okay with everything. I'm learning how to cope, how to juggle it and it's fine so far. I haven't hit any bumps or gotten sidetracked. I know what I want now and sometimes I'm going to take a little detour, but for the most part, I know it's not going to go away, I know this is something I have to live with, and I know that it's possible. Whatever I want and whatever I choose to happen is possible.

5. I learned how to be a fan. How to debate. How to string words together in different settings: arguments, persuading someone, calming people down, assuring someone, and the all important and very standard keyboard smash. I know I learned most of this from the Harry Potter fandom but I was nine years old. Nine, ten, eleven and twelve, I hardly knew what I was talking about. I could be analytical when I'm talking about scenes in the books but God, I really had no idea what I was talking about beyond that. Now I'm older and I have better opinions and I love sharing my opinions and it's been a blast to be a part of a community that is willing to listen to those opinions, and also a side community that is willing to criticize them.

6. I know a lot of things now. And that is an understatement, sure, but I seriously can't believe how far I've come. I learned so much about society and The Important Issues plaguing it today. Last year, I had a conversation with a nameless friend about a nameless topic and it makes my face burn red to recall it because I was so ignorant. I was talking out of my ass and it was embarrassing then but it's even more embarrassing for me now. There are certain things I used to say that I don't say anymore. Certain things I used to think was okay to do, that I now know is really, really rude. So it's kind of awful, for one thing, to be hurting the feelings of those close to me and yet be very protective about people I don't even know who're facing God-knows-what God-knows-where, but I think I have my priorities straight. For me. I have my priorities straight for me.

7. Everything that I am today, every opinion and every little bits and pieces of information that I stored away from my time on the Internet, I shaped and trimmed and pruned when I started becoming a Chris fan. Most of the philosophies I live by today, I cultivated when I started becoming a Chris fan. So he's not like, every single part of my life, and I do not dedicate every single second of my day to him, but he's a pretty big deal.

And like I said before, I don't put him on a pedestal because I know what it feels like to be on one. I won't ever put anyone under that kind of pressure. For now, whatever kind of mishmash of perfect and flaw that he is, I'll happily obsess over and observe and learn from, from afar.

So, yeah. I had a life before him. Now I have a better life.

I'm not trying to demean anyone or put down anyone's obsessions or anything like that, I swear. Most of the time, when I come off as offensive or personally insulting, I really am just saying. But I honestly don't understand those people who call celebrities their future husband or wife or whatever. I mean, I get that they're just joking. But let's be realistic here. If I had a chance to meet Chris, sure I'd go for it but even if I had the plane tickets and the venue tickets, there's still no guarantee. It's basically impossible. Maybe it's because I know he's gay and all and even if I were supermodel gorgeous I still have no chance in hell, but I've never wished him not to be. I've never even said that I wished him not to be (except for that once in that poem I made but only because I needed something to rhyme with 'day' and 'gay' was the first thing that popped into my mind). So I understand that deep down, Nisa and Hanna and a hell of a lot of other people know they're not going to meet their celebrity idols, but why even say it, you know? I'm not trying to detract you from your fun. I'm not taking away your rights to have a good time and be a happy fangirl, but I honestly would rather draw lines and have boundaries. Chris and all of those other celebrities are people. Not playthings.

Anyways, that's it, really. I feel like crap now because not only did I just write a lot about how I really don't deserve to be a Chris Colfer fan, I also wrote something borderline demeaning and definitely condescending about my friends.

At least I realize I'm doing it?

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