The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

No Good Deed

I was going to ask people to help me out with this but I don't know. It just ended up being this thing that was weirdly personal and I decided that I've never ever relied on other people before and to start now would be an injustice to my image. I've always been honest on this blog. I've always been honest except for two things. I've never lied to the readers of this blog other than about those two things. And I wouldn't call it lying, not really. I'd call it... misdirection. Omission, perhaps.

I wanted to make it big, make it bold and send a message, but I realized that the only reason it worked out so well for the pre-UPSR results was because I was leaving then. I was leaving school and starting a new chapter of my life and things needed to be said. Issues needed to be resolved. But I'm not leaving now, I'm staying. And I know Form 4 is this whole new world and things will be different and who knows, maybe It Gets Better from here on out (although I am seriously not counting on that) but all I know is, there is absolutely no sense of finality to anything.

PMR result is in two days and there's no sense of an ending because this isn't the end and I don't want to seem like a loser and say it's the start of something new because be that as it may, I'm still going to see the same people at school next year. Same friends, although that's definitely subject to change. Expected to change, even. So this isn't an 'out with a bang' thing. This isn't even a 'not with a bang, but with a whimper' thing. This is just a thing that I'm writing up because I'm going to Raihan's house in a few and from there, things will take off. From there, I have to move. I would apologize for thrusting Wicked stuff in your faces more than necessary, but can you blame me? I just watched the show two days ago.

The trouble with school is
they always try to teach the wrong lesson

I started school a different person and now I am a different person. What a miracle, huh? I should write to the paper about that. That's publishable, that is. Anyways, can I just say that thank God I'll never have to step foot inside Sri Aman as a Form 1 student again? It was a good year, though, Form 1 and I know I'm trivializing a lot of things by writing this, all of this, because I'm not in a good mood tonight, but it was a year that shaped all the years to come. I could lie and say that I learned more about myself in Form 2 than in Form 1 just because of what I discovered about myself in my second year of high school, or I could say the truth and that is that Nisa, Lana, Ungku, Afreena and Intan all contributed to a large chunk of who I am today.

And I became close to Hanna. All in all, I sometimes wish I could go back. It was a good year. I didn't feel neglected by people like I did in Standard 6. It was one of the few years in which the drama wasn't the centerpiece of the whole entire year and I wasn't pining after anyone. I mean, there was that thing that I am not planning to talk about, because as we know I have a strict Do Not Talk About That on My Blog rule so fill in the blanks by yourself, if you're so inclined. So I'll ignore that for the most parts of this post.

Or maybe I just like that year because I didn't know yet. Actually, come to think of it, that's definitely it. Right on the nose. I had my differences with Nisa but it didn't disrupt our friendship in an epic way. I just hadn't thought so much about it then and I guess for the most part, I am grateful to have a brief reprieve from her last year (but we'll get back to that later). And as for Afreena, if it's worth anything for my reputation, I would say that I am sorry for making her feel bad. I just didn't think it would be that big of a deal to tell someone that you are uncomfortable with the way they were acting. It might not be the worst thing I've ever done in my life, but I regret the way I handled the situation. I was emotionally ill-equipped to deal with it. I really was. I mean, I had no emotions, for one thing.

I deeply regret how far Intan and I have drifted from each other. I guess I am glad for the earlier parts of the year, sports practice, when I can enjoy some time with her. Regardless of everything that transpired, I actually miss writing her name. Typing her name, I should say. Intan. Intan, Intan, Intan. And like Afreena, I may have let go of whatever little bits of affection I felt for Intan but she'll always be in my heart. It's that kind of thing.

1 Fasih taught me that I was a bitch. Being a prefect taught me that I wasn't going to go anywhere with my attitude towards life and as the months flew by in a blur, it also taught me that I don't particularly care if I don't go anywhere in life if going somewhere meant I have to be just like everyone else. And the end of the year taught me that I should have made more friends, probably, but I was just kind of happy that I was going to have Islamic Studied with Hanna.

I don't want to talk about last year. I mean, I made friends, sure. Now they're gone and I have no idea what to say. I miss 2G a lot, a lot of days in a row but then again, I hated the year for making me, well, for making me into the person that I am today. Not- not in the sense that the year shaped me, molded me and taught me important and applicable life lessons that I've since incorporated into my daily life like in Form 1 (although a little bit of that, too, yeah). But more in the sense of that whole mess with... I don't want to say their names. I know they'll read this and I know that they probably have no idea that one problem inevitably linked to another and I just can't bear knowing that you guys know.

I've learned to live with it and it's my decision. I'm not doing this for anyone else but myself. I'm not living for anyone else but myself so I certainly am not going to hell for anyone but myself. And that's my decision. That's what I chose. And that's why I hate the bejeezus out of you guys for making me choose.

Here I go, back to being a psycho who writes indecipherable, cryptic stuff on her blog. I do not blame you one bit if you decide to stop reading here, good sir. Anyways, yeah, I guess it was a good year. Like that Captain Jack Sparrow guy from Dare to Speak made me realize, once you have the goddamn best day of your life, everything else pales in comparison. Once you realize that everyone actually does care about you, everything else that they do following that realization hurts like pin needles straight through the heart. They can never live up to your vision of them, the high pedestal you put them on, and you can never live it down.

So when I went home from McDonald's where we had our class party last year, I cried. It was... I didn't know that it was over but I guess I had an inkling. That was the last of the happy days. I miss Lana, I miss Ungku and I still do to this very day. I don't care what I think of them because sometimes unfavorable thoughts pop up in my head and sometimes I voice them out. I just know that if things were different, if I were still allowed to keep them, I would. I'd keep them forever. And about Nisa, it was amazing to have a year all to myself. I started it alone, I ended it alone and in the middle I learned how to cope and live my life day to day wondering who I'll be friends with today, just like Standard 5. And just like Standard 5, I came away from the year with abject regrets and a whole lot of pining.

I pined for a 'friend' who I thought was the best option I had, out of everyone else. I pined for her because I learned how to forgive her. I learned that she's a bad person but who am I to judge? I learned that I like her regardless of her way of life and I just, I guess devastated wouldn't be the word I'd use, but I felt sort of betrayed when she told me that she knew all along. I mean, I suffered through a whole year of looking backwards, looking to the left, and why didn't you tell me? Earlier, I mean. Last year, I mean. I could've... I could have not done what I had done.

And what had I done? The same thing I did to that guy I had a crush on in Standard 5. The same thing I did to Maze. Probably, the same thing I did to Hel. Pushed. I am never going to be able to say this to her face or to write this down in a letter because paper burns, but I am so sorry, Pri. It was the worst I've ever done. Even worse than insulting someone just because I was 'in love' with them and they didn't love me back. Even worse than pretending to like someone even though I was 'in love' with someone else. Even worse than what I did to Hel, which has scarred her for life, I know, and she'll probably never ever forgive me, regardless of how far we've come from that point. I'm not going to try for making things the way they were anymore. I pined a whole year and it was worth it just to get that big fat slap right at the end of the road. It was worth it to learn my lesson.

And now whatever ways our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
by being my friend

When you love someone, you let them go, right? I'm sorry and I won't bother you again next year and I'll never delude myself into thinking that things are ever going to go back to the way they were and I'm so happy that you've found a group of friends that treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

I know I didn't try this year. I was busy with other things, other problems, other people's drama that I made my own. I know my class, 3 Fasih, probably has no fond memories of me at all and I know that they don't care for me. And  I am sorry for looking at you like I was better than you, like I deserve better than all of you, because the truth never excuses a person's behavior. Especially when, like mine, said behavior sucked so bad that I probably have a thousand million years to make up for everything. I don't know whether being in the same class as Nisa was for good or whether it made things so much worse. I don't know whether that whole thing with Nadiah was even worth it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore because I am so fucking lost.

Just like that - shot, dashed. End of the year and you think you've got it all figured out. And it's the most important lesson of all, the biggest slap in the face, when you figure out that sometimes it's better to stay silent. Sometimes it's better than honesty.

I am sorry for making you realize things you shouldn't have to realize. I am sorry for insisting and for pushing and for pushing you guys away. I need my space, sure, but I also need to learn how to cope with people when they won't give me my space, or when they give me too much of it. It's too much, too late, and I understand that I've got a long way to go before I can ever truly be satisfied with myself. Thursday's a start, though.

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy

As for crushes and relationships and everything in between, I've learned a lot about a lot of things, but mostly I learned that people are mirrors. And whatever they've done and whatever wrongs they've done especially reflects upon you. I know that I'll never be happy unless I tell him everything I'm worried about and I can only hope he'll return the favor but whatever happens in the future, I'll learn to survive it like I did last year. And the year before.

I was over it. I know that I can't just pray it away and I know that no mater where my life leads me now, I'm going to spend my years trying to wrong what's right. I know that and I've accepted that. Doesn't mean I want to see other people do the same. I was over it.

And now it's here again and I don't know what to do and I can only pray that... well, no, I've tried that. I just... I can only wait and see it out. I understand now what trust means, I understand how it works and I understand what my problems with it are. I'll get past it and hopefully It Gets Better. In order, I'll give credit where credit is due.

Maze, for sticking it out. Syaz, for making it better. Darwin, for making it worse. Hel, for making me realize that there's more to life than what I knew. And let's not forget You Know Who, who I've mentioned countless times up there, who made me realize what a horrible person I am. I learned my lesson, thrice over, and maybe I'll need more reminding in the future. Right now I've got right-wing Maze, to be my alarm clock to reality, and left-wing Hel, to make sure I never get lost in the clouds.

I know how little you guys who are not involved in any of this understand this post and I'm sorry. I have my secrets. And I think I'll keep them.

My future is unlimited

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