The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Swan Song

Things that are going on that, when added all together, makes my life seem worst than it actually is.

1. Last Friday Night
I don't know why I decided to do it. I think it was because Friday was the worst day I'm ever going to have this year. I can't even remember much of it, I think I blocked a lot of it from my memory. Basically it was a crap morning, followed by a crap and kind of terrible mid-morning, followed by an okay recess in which I got Emily to replace me but I ended up skipping the organic farming workshop we had to talk with Divyia about PPSMI instead. It's basically all Divyia talks about when she runs out of things to talk about, I think, which is okay. I mean, the people on the newspaper look pretty happy to me and at this point, I can't say I care at all anymore. The government's decisions and non-decisions have gotten me in a tailspin. I think that's enough of that.

Xueh Wei and I basically skipped the rest of the organic farming thing to walk around doing nothing. And then we had Open Day duty for the Form 5s. It was me, Divyia and Tabitha at the Serambi and we sat and talked around a bit because there weren't a lot of parents coming in during the second shift. Meeting was a disaster without Farhanah and I'm still confused over the whole UNO cards thing. And then transferring.

Let's not talk about transferring! So there was a lot of crying, both at school and at home, and then even more crying that night. Didn't do Drama because of Reasons. This post is starting to seem redundant now because I'm not giving anything away, I'm just stating things and if people read this blog to hear me state things, they might as well just read my essay books. Had intense discussions with several of my friends: Hel, Mei, Ellie and Elia to name a few. They were helped me make a final decision as to what to do concerning the matter but then I sort of made a little mistake.

We all make mistakes. I think I can forgive myself for this one. It was what one definitely calls 'a moment of weakness'. No one will condemn me for this. At any rate, the decision I had finally settled on that night was jossed the following morning.

2. Saturday and I'm Still Waiting
Hanna told me that she has something to tell me on Wednesday. So that doesn't make me nervous or want to puke or have trouble sleeping or anything. On the bright side, picked my sister up from the airport. She insisted on coming by plane. Maybe just for kicks. She bought me a Pillopet.

3. Sunday: Hidden Plants and Baby Daddies
Sunday in the morning was good, despite my Dad not being there. It was like Eid Raya but only a tiny bit quieter. Saw one too many people at the mosque. It's a regular thing so not shocked in the slightest. My second brother came. And then my mother, my sister, Iza, Kimi, my maid and I headed to my maternal grandparents' place. 

When we got there, there weren't many people. But then over the hours, the house slowly started to fill with more and more people and I just started getting itchy all over. It's never occurred to me that I have agoraphobia or anything like that because I am absolutely certain I do not. I just don't like it when there's a lot of people around. Even family. I don't know how I handle it at school. I guess because they're all peers and I can easily look at any one of them and come up with a reason, off the top of my head, of why I'm better than them (yes, you've now figured out the secret of what gets me through the day). 

So I read fanfiction. All 34 chapters of that fanfiction in which Kurt got Brittany pregnant and they have a daughter named Mary. Some slight grammatical errors here and there but I find the story so adorable, I literally couldn't put the iPod down. 

Also, and this might seem like a small thing in the grand scheme of things but to me it's very important: tara1031 wrote that she was going to quit fandom and delete all the fics (she's gone back on the decision to delete her fics, though, praise God) and I cried so hard, I don't even know what got into me. I guess it's the whole... I guess I just understand where she's coming from. It's hurt a lot to see more and more people leave the Glee fandom over time.

4. Monday's A Good Day to Go Home
I cried a lot this morning and people can think whatever they want, that I'm a spoiled brat, that I just have to learn to fucking adapt, I don't care anymore. I don't like people. I don't like it when the dinner table's full to capacity and I'm expected to squeeze in to get a bite. I don't like the noise little children make when they run around. I don't like how full the house seems even though there's still tons of empty spaces left. And I definitely do not like it when people tell me to lighten up and not let this whole 'too many cooks in the kitchen' thing spoil my day for me. I don't like an over abundance of people and it will probably never change. Instead of everyone making me feel bad about it all the time, why not give a mentally and emotionally unstable girl a hand, why don't you?

Thirty thousand plus words on my Nanowrimo. Also, I hate this layout. 

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