The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

'N Roll

Finally, we're at the end of the journey and possibly at the beginning of another one (a storm's coming) and let me just say that it has been an exhausting, if not entertaining, journey, from start to finish. I laughed, and cried, and was pushed to the brink time and time again, yet I felt happiness to the point of bursting, and you can't just walk away from any ol' experience having felt all of those feelings. This one's for keeps.

I will say this, though, as a conclusion. I didn't ask for any of this. I neither asked to be the way that I am today, nor did I ask for these friends of mine. It all came to me, unbidden and unthought of, and the only thing I ever asked for, I got, but not quite in the way I had expected. So last year, it was the Evolution and the Revelation (sometimes referred to as the Revolution). As the embers of hope surrounding this year's situation dies down, so does any last teeny tiny shred of whatever I had left for the Revelation depart as well. And it was nothing but a joyous occasion, and there never will be a moment in which I look back and think, "I regret doing all of those things," because as much as I wish the outcome was different, I can't exactly wish to not be in this exact position at this exact time.

But that won't stop me from pining. And that's why I did this, In Mortal Memory, as a reminder to myself that I had given myself twelve posts. Twelve posts to reflect, to mourn, to remember. There is no going back after this because regardless of how much I want things to stay the same, to stay static, it's not possible. It's not going to happen. We've grown. We're different people than we were a few weeks ago. And I'm not going to turn my back on what I have now to go looking for buried treasures in my past. The past, and its events, stay buried. That is the rules.

So in mortal, living memory of someone special, I dedicated twelve posts.

In mortal memory of someone who used to be special, I let go.

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