The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Interlude: Snowflake

Today was boring and nothing happened. I just want to remind my future self that more often than not, nothing comes from nothing. So I guess the lesson here is, make something out of yourself.

I think you can't keep doing the same thing hoping for a different result. 

I guess I'm not going to apologize, not really, or do anything about it because fact of the matter is, people's opinions change all the time. Maybe I was all gung-ho about making amends during the holidays because I was still a little bit high, a little bit tipsy from the events of last week. Maybe it's just an internal need to fix things because I have always been a fixer. But it's good time wasted to be hypothesizing about all of this, so I'll stop. All I know is that Sunday night, Monday morning, I was in my bed reading fanfiction about missed chances and second chances, crying, writing up 2000 words for Nanowrimo and the next, Monday morning, coffee-less, I saw her face and thought, "No. This isn't going to happen again." And that's the worst kind of thought, I think, the 'again' part, because it's a gentle reminder that things happened before. 

I guess if we're talking about a sense of belonging (and this is a conversation I'm having with myself, so you don't need to bother really), the only time things have ever been steady was in Form 1, when I knew I had Nisa, and Lana and Ungku were unquestionable additions, and Intan as well, and on and off Afreena. There was no need to think twice about it, to feel left out. When it was good, it was good being the four of us, and the thing is, I never felt unappreciated or unloved or ignored. I never felt invisible. That started in Form 2. 

And yet, when asked, I'll answer that Form 2's the year I'd like to return to if I could, right? I guess it's a sense of belonging as well, in a different way. I feel kind of stupid (okay, a lot stupid) for always accusing her of being so oblivious to things when I was committing the same crime. Guilty on all charges. I feel super stupid.

When the scales tip, though, when there's an imbalance. That's when I lose any semblance of belonging I thought I had. And the thing that I've kind of come to expect out of life is that the scales always tip. Always.

And if it's for the best, then you should just leave it be.

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