The glorious and triumphant return of now-19 year old Blogger, the revival of a once-grand and dare I say influential webspace that produced daily content, and the crippling anxiety of a young woman who no longer has any time or motivation to write, and feels like any ability she had acquired in the past through repetition and sheer will alone is now slowly slipping out of her grasp. Brief history of the Blog and Blogger can be found here.

Here be personal journal entries, observations, slices of life, questions and conclusions, as well as exploration of social and political topics seen through the lens of a Malaysian Muslim, feminist, lesbian, Marxist, and horse enthusiast.

Friday, November 11, 2011

I Wish Nothing But The Best

It's so surreal. It causes this sort of choked up feeling of non-feeling in me that makes me think that I'm going to cry, but then I just start smiling and I can't stop. It's, I think, what one would call bittersweet. I mean, like Nisa reminded me, we still remember the first day when she didn't save a seat for me, I got into a horrible fight with two people and Iylia told me I looked off. Maybe we should... revisit?

Like, maybe I expected everything to be so back to normal, that we'd... we'd... I don't know. Do that again.

I still think about it, sometimes, you know, old routines die hard and good memories stay forever. It always puzzles me a bit how I can remember a memory as being something that was so good and honest and pure and others just look at it differently. I mean, how can something that was that memorable to me be just a background moment for someone else. Someone who was also part of the memories. Puzzling.

And that's when it hit me for the first time this year. The first time of probably many, many times. I really, really hate this place.

Preach, sister. There was not a single morning in which I went to school and thought, "Man, I'm happy to be here." There were a lot of mornings in which my head was filled with thoughts of bombings, school shootings and arson, but I don't really think those kind of jokes are very tasteful (they're not at all, actually) so I'll refrain from mentioning things like that. The thoughts occur in my head but there's really nothing I can particularly do about that.

Sadly, I had this freakshow to deal with.

I wish nothing but the best for you, too. Don't forget me, I beg.

Oh, rereading this post: What Did You Expect?, which was the first post of the school year. So, so different now. I still talked to Lana during that time, for one thing. I honestly regret letting her go somewhat. I mean, Lana is quite an awesome person, despite the fact that sometimes my other friends don't like her or something? It's not a surprise, really. Everyone ends up hating someone else (who they might as well be best friends with) at some point. Best to call it like I do: everyone sucks, I suck a little less and let's leave it at that.

It's funny that I still have that attitude after all this time. I can't help it, can I? Nobody bothered to prove me wrong.

I wonder sometimes, though, why people put up with me. I mean, I don't bother to prove them wrong either, do I?

Okay, actually this was not the direction I had in mind for this post. Moving on. Yesterday was the final day of school. This may be a slightly dumb thing to do, but I'd like to revisit last year's last day of school as well. It was very... chill. I can't remember anything else other than that word. I remember looking around at the class and saying to myself that I hadn't really bothered to acclimate myself with these people at all. For the entire year. And yet, they were lovely people. What 2G gave me, I'll never forget. Three really, really amazing people I lost in a span of a year after disbandment. Well, what can I say? That it was a really bad year? I can't say that.

Hanna told me she's moving. At least she's keeping me up to date about things. When Kai told me she was moving, I knew what was going to happen. I thought it would take only a matter of a few months, weeks at the very least. But it lasted somewhat a whole year and I am proud of both of us for trying. So hopefully if Hanna does end up moving (and Cassandra agreed to join me in the efforts of keeping her from actually doing the deed when the time comes), it won't be like this. Rumor has it that Hanna's more important to me than anyone I became friends with last year ever was (or ever will be).

And we had a class party afterwards. I still remember what happened. I thought that at that point the world was ready to let me make my amends. Nah, though, it doesn't work that way. I know I sound so resigned to everything bad that life's throwing me but I'm choosing to look at it a different way. I lost a lot of people, sure, but I managed to keep a lot, as well. A lot more than I thought possible. So I don't know. I mean, I know how self-deprecating I can get but it's not really that sad, is it, when you think about what fun I had today and yesterday? The world won't let me have everything I want. But I can be happy. If I choose to be.

I started yesterday with low expectations, to be honest. I didn't think anything was going to happen beyond getting hurt and disappointed and sappy, crying into my sleeves and trying to surreptitiously wipe the tears away. We had a short briefing for Monday's camp (the PRS and LP3K boards are joining the prefects) (hooray?) (Nisa: so hooray!) and it was stiflingly hot in the BKB. And then there was recess and then, well, and then it was fun.

Xueh Wei, Hanna, Nisa and I had the best time ever. It was impossible, I mean, I kept looking. I just. I kept thinking. All year, all year I kept thinking and knowing that this moment was going to come. Last day of school, when three of my favorite people in the whole wide world would sit around me and we'd talk and laugh and have the time of our fucking lives and I never exactly thought it would be like this. That, I mean. I mean, it was, for one thing, I was not as happy as I thought I would have been. And for another, when you expect something, there's always a level of... perfection to the fantasy that can't really be applied in real life. So it wasn't perfect but I. Honestly, I won't ask for anything more than yesterday. Nothing more than those people. And I don't want to ask for more.

Just like I know that it would do absolutely nobody any favors if I prayed day and night for Chris to be straight so I can get a shot. It's like that. Something like that.

The Ripped Underpants Gang! Featuring: Santralega's expansive knowledge of the act of sex, zippers and Velcro, Klanal sex (uh!), Sonia and Divya calling me nice (shocked gasps and shouts of surprise rang out across the canteen), Nisa saying "I love whoever brought this radio!", Xueh Wei and chicken, among many, many other odd occurrences and not your everyday, run-off-the-mill topics of conversation. I wish I could record everything that was said and done but I think I can just try really, really hard to concentrate all of the happiness and (dare I say this!) fulfillment I felt during that time into a bottle to store in my head forever. There is no denying that bad times make me want to crawl into my sock drawer, curl up and die. But there's also no plausible way for one to deny that the good times make it all worth it.

Somewhere along the way, we decided to have a sleepover at Hanna's. Meeting was kind of a waste of space and plus, so not the last time I'm going to have to act like a prefect who gives a toss. After sending Hanna home, I called up Maze telling him that I am not going to Drama because there is no way I'm going to sit around doing nothing when I could be sleeping at home instead. It's okay because Maze said he wasn't going either. Money put to good use, that was. Swam and slept. I think there's still water in my ears? Needless to say, I woke up and it was already dark outside.

Went to Hanna's house. Found out that Nisa had already gone to the warehouse sale that afternoon. We lounged and talked for a long time before finally getting the projector on and Hanna showed us videos of that One Direction guy she likes and whose name I can't spell. And then I put on The First Time and basically skipped through all the parts that weren't Kurt or Coach Beiste and her boyfriend. I told Hanna, I explicitly told her that I was going to kill her in her sleep if she laughed at Kurt's shimmy dance in the bar scene. She, like, burst out laughing the minute he got started. And we couldn't stop. And it was glorious. Also, Hanna is obsessed with Chris, my Pillopet sheep and she held the sheep up during Mike Chang's scene with his father, so that the sheep appeared in the scene as well and joined in the conversation.

Mike: Then I guess I don't have a Dad. (or something to that effect)
Hanna as Chris the Pillopet Sheep*: I'll be your Daddy!

*Henceforth known as just Chris on this blog. But that might be confused with Chris Colfer... oh well.

Hanna, ladies and gentlemen. We watched Midnight In Paris after that which (despite Owen Wilson) might just be one of my favorite recent movies yet. And then (because Hanna found the DVD inside her laptop's DVD player), we watched The Proposal and I got all tingly in a good way because that's such a feelgood movie. Nisa slept halfway through Midnight In Paris.

Woke up this morning and had an Old Town White Coffee breakfast. Everyone was in such an untalkative mood this morning but once the food arrived, we began talking about memories and trading ghost stories like nobody's business. And when we went to the warehouse sale place at 11, there was already a long line formed. Get this: while I bought a lot of stuff (and needed Hanna to top up on my money because I was short) and Nisa bought a few more items even though she already went and bought stuff yesterday, Hanna didn't buy anything. Like, not a single thing. She was in a mood (afraid that she wasn't being herself because she didn't buy anything from a sale and she didn't buy anything when we stepped into Famous Amos either) until I told her about how "it would be cool if my best friend was married to Zayn Malik" (yeah, okay, so I Googled it). She perked up a bit after that.

Times like those, I feel nothing amiss. I feel like that's how it is supposed to be and was supposed to be and not keep... not want to ask for anything else. So I got home and now here I am and I am in such a daze. It's so surreal. It causes this sort of choked up feeling of non-feeling in me that makes me think that I'm going to cry, but then I just start smiling and I can't stop. It's bittersweet.

I know my happiest days and worst days of the school year. I've known it for quite a while now, actually. And surprisingly, one of those happiest days occurred post-PMR. Chris Colfer's birthday was one of them. The other one's something I'd like to call That Friday. Worst days... probably the first day of school and co-curricular registration day, as well as last Wednesday and some other days I remember, but can't exactly pinpoint the exact time and date.

The thing about the last day of school is just that. There were expectations. And I didn't exactly get to live out my dreams or have the best last day of school ever. It wasn't what I wanted, for one thing, but at the same time, it was unerringly enough? Like, it was what I needed. Or at least, what I think I needed.

Divyia told me something, while I was ranting my head off to her the other day, while I was still angry and I took what she said the wrong way. She told me that with the way I act, with the way I am, it was easy to hate me and that if people are still willing to be my friend, then it's not because they feel like they have to. Not because they feel like they have to repay my kindness or something like that. And I took it to mean that everything was all right and anyone who's insincere enough to not appreciate my sincerity just didn't deserve it. That doesn't make sense and I apologize but it kind of makes sense for me, so. But, of course, I shouldn't have taken it that way because it's not about me. It's about friends. Real or not real, fake or sincere, we are who we think we are. And what I later on got from Divyia's opinion, my thoughts on it right now is that I should just be grateful. Because the world is a pretty bad place. Not full of enough tolerance, understanding, acceptance. And yet there are those who try. And those who tried. So it's weird to think about. All of the feelings related to it just sort of falls in between happy and sad that it doesn't seem to carry much weight.

Sometimes we lose things. Sometimes we find them. Some other times, they stay lost. And if it's for the best, then you should just leave it be.

I don't know. So it's been one heck of a year but I like looking back upon all of it because, like everyone agreed on this morning during breakfast, there wasn't exactly an exact moment in time that was the pinnacle of happiness for us. It was the little things.

Like how I learned that if you wanted something, you can't just sit on your ass all day expecting other people to bring it to you. Like how I realized that despite everything I had friends. Like Hanna saying she'll make a Chris Colfer scrapbook for me. Like Pri being there for me when I needed her the most and not being there when I needed to learn how to let go. Like Zaza and Nadiah who listened to me talk about things that I wanted to talk about without ever really complaining that much. Like Nisa saying in front of a room full of people that a person could like any celebrity they wanted to and not be condemned for it. Like Divya and Divyia for making me realize that I am not the worst person I could be. Like a group of my friends, willingly doing prayer circles for crazy things like Chris winning an Emmy and Klaine post-coital waffles, and singing Chris happy birthday in the canteen. (I wasn't talking about the sheep, by the way). Like God granting me these clear moments of clarity to get my head on straight and put my life into perspective.

Like, yeah. I'm smiling now. That's good enough.

So, to answer my own question about friendships and the feelings behind them. We are who we think we are. We are what we think we are. If we think we're friends... Well, real or not real?

Real, of course.

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